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Hi all,a little recap,h got depression,started drinking ,had the worst time of my life,threw him out may,since then he has been living in a salvation army refuge,been attending AA although i dont think regular,getting good councilling,i believe he has not been drinking for at least 10 wks,his whole outlook about what happened has changed ,i have not seen him for 3wks due to us both not being well.
This week he visits me to sort out arrangements for our grandsons christening next week ,i was shocked,he has lost so much weight,and i mean big style gone from a tight 36 inch waist to a 32 needing a belt,he is fretting to come home so bad its making him ill.
He can see how strong i have got(thanks to you all),and says hes glad im getting well,he knows i wont take anymore crap.
I know im strong now and i let him know on no uncertain terms,what he did to me after 36yrs of marriage with no drink involved,was totally unexceptable.
BUT infront of me stood this weak broken down ,gaunt looking,ill guy ,fretting away,
This is so hard ,how do you forgive someone who has ripped your heart out ,and lost you all your dreams and future.
I am stuggling with forgiveness too. It's so hard when you keep re-playing what happened in your mind and there's a wall up that you've created for your protection. I guess all we can do is keep going, one day at a time and keep close to people who are there for us. Good luck and God bless.
Hi dear, did he ask you to forgive him? I mean really why should you? What do you have to forgive him for?
It was a disease that took everything away, wasn't the A. He had no control over it. That is what brings us to Alanon. We have to learn to take care of us and not allow this awful disease to pull us down too.
I don't blame my A at all. The disease did major damage to me. And still is. my friend just said yes it is a gift that keeps on giving isn't it?
Yes feel very sad for him. It is eating him alive. Just love him, look past the disease. Just have empathy. He is a very sick sad man, being killed by a disease.
It will make you feel better too not to be bitter towards him.
I don't know how many times I said to my AH OH I am so sad for you. How horrible to go thru this.
He feels guilty enough.
Anyway many many hugs to you and your A. Maybe ask your hp to forgive. love,debilyn
The more I learn about the disease, the easier I find it to forgive. I remember the "aha!" moment I had, when the man that I knew, with no doubt whatsoever, loved me and our children, was raving and threatening to kill us all. Suddenly it all came clear - "He isn't doing this by choice - THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM!" Gee, ya think? All of a sudden it was like a light coming on "Oh, I've got it - he isn't an asshole, he's an alcoholic!"
I would take it slow if I were you, you need to take care of yourself, but you may find, if you talk about recovery to him, whether he really is getting better, and how much you can afford to let him back into your life. It's natural, and wise, to be wary, but forgiveness isn't just for him, the person it will benefit most is you.
Thanks to those who answered my post,i have been here 6mths only ,and have learned so much,when i first came i couldnt see the keys to type through the tears,i am working on forgiveness,it just that my moods seem to change from day to day,i couldnt even amagine what it would be like if i hadnt stumbled apon this site that one evening,i read all the posts every day.
I send each and every one a hug,and hope one day we will all find peace
I am so sorry for your pain. It is so very hard to forgive, it is like the disease rips everything from you, trust, love, all the good things. But you don't have to let the disease rob you of these things. You are a good person, just be good to yourself also, and foremost. Take it easy and take care of you right now. I know the pain of seeing someone you love hurting so so much. Just rest in knowing that he is where he is supposed to be right now, he is in his HP's hands. Imagine him getting better. The truth is we have no control over what happens, but we can control our reactions and happiness. It is such a challenge to find joy when worried about someone, but every moment we spend worrying we lose in this, our life!
