The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i have a problem want love from a person who say they dont love me,i feel it might have some to do with my dad i was always trying to get him to love me even up to the day he die,
i thought the person was in this morning meeting,i try to talk to this person when the meeting was over but she would not talk to me it made me nerves and i am shaky to,can any one give me help with this type of feeling please
To start with you say she was at the morning meeting...most people who come to alanon are hurting and in a lot of pain and want to reach out to others and establish a connection. That is fine, except that when it involved a man and a woman, some may want more from that connection that the other does. Some people love everyone in that "special alanon way" which is very sincere, but really don't want more of a personal connection where they would tell an individual they love them.
Some people don't want any more of a connection in alanon than coming to meetings and maybe chatting afterwards. They don't want to start a personal relationship. That was how I felt at first, but now I realize how healing it is to be friends with someone who understands, but that took time. Maybe this person too needs time.
Some people also don't want a relationship with someone in alanon for other reasons, they want someone not touched by drug or alcohol problems when it comes to relationships. Sort of like at least ONE of them should be healthy and not touched by such sadness and pain.
Marty, I and many other people here and in alanon really do love you, we all love and care for each other and really do grow close as we help each other deal with our alcholics. This love is based on compassion and empathy at first, then as we get to know each other it gets deeper to be more personal. However, for most people, it is too difficult to extend that to a personal relationship that extends beyond alanon, anonymity being a factor as well. Also, for some people saying "I love you" means different things at times. To say it to a person of the opposite sex can have different connotations than simply one alanon person saying it to another. Perhaps this person loves you in a very sincere alanon 'friend" way and hesitates to say it to you since you may think it means more that she loves you in a "man and woman" way.
Don't make things too complicated. This probably has nothing to do with your Dad and your complex feelings about him. Not EVERTHING has to do with what is going on inside of us when we are dealing with other people you know...
Marty, many people here and in alanon love you, relax and embrace that and don't worry so much about one single person who may be having trouble sorting out their feelings towards you.
I too had a lot of trouble when I first came here accepting that people really cared about me. I have been here a year and a half and only now can I really feel it when someone says they love me. I can feel it since I know that I am sincere when I tell people that I really love them, after seeing how caring they are towards me. This takes time. Give yourself (and her) time.
