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Wow, I have a long long story, so I will try to make it as short as possible. I will tell you about 3 or 4 incidents, but there are 50 or 60 in between these ones believe me!
My boyfriend has had a drinking and drug problem for many many years. He lost a marriage over it already and has a 9 year old son he doesn't really speak to.
I started dating him 3 years ago, and slowly I started to see things about him, that were carefully hidden from me in the beginning.....such as the drugs, terrible lying....almost compulsive....and the fact that he would steal or rip people off by taking money for jobs he would never do.
Last Febuary he called me on his way home from work and said he would be right home.....he didn't come home for 3 days. He left me here (4 months pregnant), with his son who was visiting for the weekend, and never came home. His ex-wife just loved to tell me the stories about what a jerk he was when he was with her, and I had to swallow it up and call her to come and get her son.
Though he returned home and told me he had been on a drinking binge with some guy.....I later found out he had picked up a girl in a bar and spent the weekend doing drugs with her. I found this out because he had given her his cel phone, and the chain I had given him for christmas. She got our home number from his cel phone and called me asking for him. When I questioned her, she hung up. She said she knew all about me but that he had told her things were bad. He also told her very personal things about our relationship. He denied knowing her at first, but 2 days later she sent him an e-mail (which I knew the password to get into).... I e-mailed her back and she called me and told me everything....yes...he cheated, and hearing the details was bad. She lives on the very next street from our house!!! I sent someone to pick up his phone and chain, and once I threw it on the table infront of him....well....the look on his face was priceless....but there was no denying it anymore! Anyway, once I confronted him about the truth, we had decided he would call my uncle (he and other members of my family have been in AA for years) and get some advice. We had then put his name on a waiting list for a 3 week inpatient rehab.
The weekend before he was to go into rehab he went on another 3 day binge....but then finally in April he went into rehab. All went well for the next 4 months, until suddenly one day he went golfing and didn't come home until 5am drunk and high on crack. I was devestaded....I had just began to trust him again. Finally I was able to make it through a pay day were I wasn't tied up in knots all day and having anxiety attacks...worried he was going to take every cent and take off (he is the sole supporter of the family).......but that was quickly desolved.
He quit again for a little bit, but.......I was schedualed to go into the hospital on a Monday to have our daughter.....the friday before that...he took off and didn't come home until Sunday....the DAY before our daughter was born!
Since then he has quit in small bits, but always seem to go drinking when the oportunity presents itself. He'll quit for a week or 2, then drink, quit for another week or 2, then drink. He'll go to a couple of AA meetings, but still go drinking in between. He lies all the time...drunk or sober....about everything!!
2 weeks ago, he took off with his entire pay check. When he does this I have a routine of dropping the baby off at my parents, getting in a cab, and going from bar to bar trying to find him before he spends every cent we have. Sometimes I find him, most of the time I don't. This particular night I went looking for him, but didn't find him. I sat at home until 9pm when the phone rang. It was him....he was drunk. He said he didn't spend ALL the money, just $150 of it. I asked him where he was and said I was going to come and meet him....so I did. I met him at a neighbourhood bar where he was sitting and drinking. I ordered a drink, and decided I wasn't going to fight over it....at least he didn't spend EVERY cent. My nerves were shot, and my mistake was drinking myself to calm them. It seemed like, because I WASN'T mad or arguing with him........HE was then becoming aggressive. He was yelling and trying to pick a fight with me and eventually he stormed out, leaving me there. About an hour later I went home and he was half asleep on the couch....STUPID me thinks, maybe I'll wake him up and we can make nice and no one has to wake up angry. Well that was the worst Idea ever! He got up alright....started calling me every name in the book for like an hour, threw 2 big pitchers of chocolate milk on me, got in my face screaming...and I slapped him.....which resulted in him full out punching me in the face. I ran out the door, and sat in the backyard....I didn't know what to do. I decided to go back inside and just lock myself in the bedroom. When I came in, he was on the phone with the police.....I guess he thought that I had gone to call them. They came, and when they did, I said I had slapped him, but he never touched me (I didn't want him to go to jail). What I didn't know, was I had a swollen black eye from the punch. So the police arrested BOTH of us for assult. He went to jail for 4 days, and I was release hours later after being strip searched etc.
I assumed he would have learned his lesson from this terrible experience. My father, who I made up a completely different story too, telling him it was all my fault, went down and bailed him out. One of those bail conditions is to stay away from alcohol!
One week later, Childrens Aid shows up at our door to investigate our children (I have a 3 year old from a previous relationship who stays at Gramas mostly because of this stuff...I don't want to take any chances exposing her to it). I told them they weren't in the home at the time, but that didn't matter. The came, they found nothing wrong and left....but still....they CAME....to MY house!! I was a wreck! This was last week....Thursday.
This past Friday.....ONE DAY after childrens aid had been here....he goes to help his friend with a roof, and decides to go out and get plastered!! I was PISSED.....after everything that has happened....my FATHER putting up $2000 bail AND my uncles house to get him out....and the amount of appreciation and respect he shows is to go out and get drunk with his buddy!!?? I was phoning his friends cel phone telling him to bring him home because if something happens while he's out there getting drunk and God knows what, and he ends up arrested the sh#t will hit the fan! FINALLY he comes saundering in the door, drunk, like it's no big deal. The next day (Saturday) we have a big fight....he makes his usual big speech about how he is going to go to all kinds of meetings and he's "really" going to try this time etc, etc. So I forgive....AGAIN. The Sunday comes and he has to go help the same friend finish the job they started on Sunday. I give him the "look" and he says "Don't worry, there will be no drinking today....I promise" Our daughter was at my moms and he promised he would go pick her up in the afternoon. At 1pm he phoned and said they would be about 2 more hours.....at 3pm he phoned and said he would be less than an hour and then going to pick our daughter up.
So I call my mom and tell her to have the baby ready for about 4pm.........4pm, 5pm, 6pm....come and gone, and no word from him. I call his friends cell phone and he doesn't answer. So at 7pm I spend the only $20 I have and take a taxi to pick up our daugter (I can't carry all the baby gear on the subway). I couldn't get over the fact that he just left our daughter there.....ditched her like she was some piece of garbage!! Finally at 7:45pm I get his friend on the phone who completely denies knowing where he is....says he only gave him $12 to go get smokes and has no idea where he went from there. I told him about our daughter and how he just left her there, and he goes on about how terrible that is, and says he wishes he knew were he was....blah, blah, blah!! At 10:30 my boyfriend calls me soooo wasted he can barely speak! Says he's coming home....oh, and his LYING friend knew where he was the WHOLE time because he went to the bar and then later to another guys house to drink...WITH him!!
I was disgusted.....by all of it....the lies, the fake promises, leaving our daughted there like she was nothing....on bail, childrens aid....nothing stops this guy!!
I don't go to Alanon, I never have, so I don't know the "steps" or what it is I should be doing....with the new baby it's hard...the only meeting is far and at night. He has mentioned that maybe I should go and they can teach me how to deal with this. He made it sound like he wanted me to go so someone can teach me how to be "Ok" with what he does....which is never going to happen, but never the less I would go. I am hoping that this board can be my way of experiencing alanon while still being at home with the baby.
What I really want to know is.......am I enabling him to continue this behavior by cleaning up the messes he leaves behind, and constantly forgiving him? I love him....I do. He IS a great guy who does BAD things. I know if I throw him out...he has nowhere to go....his drinking buddies are only good for that....drinking! And truth be told......I just....I don't know.....my heart has been broken a thousand time....but I just hate to give up on the guy. I don't know what the "right" thing to do is?? How much is finally too much?
You won't be alone with this stuff any more, so just come to our chat room any time, and meetings here twice daily, including tonight Sat. at 9 eastern and Sunday evening 7 eastern.
Your story is heart-wrenching... just like mine and the others I've seen here. To be blunt about your question, I'd say YES, you enable him. Trust me, he knows what the court order states. My wife did, too, and she drank the day after getting out of jail. She knew that I wouldn't put her back in the klink, because I LOVE her. He is manipulating your feelings, and to put responsibility towards a child into the equation is embarrassing and cruel.
I don't know the meanings of all of the steps, but I have learned tough love. When he drinks against the court order, it is a crime. Call McGruff. The most common character trait I've seen in here, is that the addict has no concept of rules, etiquette, and acceptable behaviour. It isn't "like" dealing with a child... Most "ARE" children. The maturity that takes place in most of us has been either stunted or even recessed. My wife started drinking heavy 20 years ago, at the age of 14. That is how she acts.. especially when she's ripped. I'd bet a bowl of chili that he is in the same boat. Tough Love, honey. Do not let him break the laws given to him. He is responsible for his fate. Call the police. Call your Dad and tell him the full story. Tell your family to come to this website and read your post. I was swallowed whole because I kept this all from my family.
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
This is my very first posting - I have not even introduced myself to the group and to be honest, I'm not sure if I will. I like to take these things slowly. Your story has really touched me. I can only imagine the fear and anxiety you are facing - especially with 2 small children. I am not sure what your "Higher Power" is or what your beliefs are, but I know that I get all of my peace, confidence and grace from Jesus Christ. I'm not even sure if I am allowed to talk about Jesus on this board or not - I may get kicked off. But if I get kicked off having given you this message, then it was worth it!!!
Tonight, just know that I will be praying you and your family! I do know that my husband and I could not have made it through our relationship AT ALL without our faith. Without a doubt, it has been our glue, our strength, our absolutely everything. And with it, I can experience joy and peace, even in times when others may seem feel hopeless and scared.
No doubt, that no matter what your "Higher Power" is, you certainly have some tough decisions to make and I am truly sorry you are left to make them alone. I too have had to make some tough decisions and once I made them, Jesus was there to carry me through them, when I was ready.
My heart goes out to you, your story sounds so much like you are talking about my son that it is eerie. Five years ago my son had his own business, was making a net 6 figure income per year and now he has zip, nothing and it is all due to alcohol and drugs. He has lost two wives and four children along with all of that as well.
The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. If you stay around here long enough you will soon learn that you cannot fix him you can only fix what damage his disease has caused for you. I did not understand this concept for quite awhile but when we drove our son to rehab the doctor pulled us aside and told us "Above all the things you remember in your lifetime, please remember this. You did not cause this, it is not your fault and your son has the only disease that people will yell at him for having. Go home, go to Al-Anon and learn to heal yourselves."
That was almost two years ago and hubby and I have a second family now, it's called Al-Anon and we still go to three meetings a week. We are getting better and in the process we are passing the miracle along to others. Our son? only my HP knows if he is ok. We talk occasionally and there are times when I feel he is doing good and other times I can hear in his voice that he is giving up. It breaks my heart and the Mom in me wants to save him but I know I can't. I have had so many people in program tell me that the best thing I can do for him is absolutely nothing so that is what I am doing. If he gets himself into a mess he has to figure out how to get himself out of it. It's hard on him and I know that but I am doing what I feel is best and taking care of me, I have to.
Even if you can't get to regular face to face meetings, I highly recommed that you purchase "One Day At A Time in Al-Anon". It is a daily reader and it will help you tremendously. You can even order it online, just go to Google and type in Al-Anon books and you will find the links. I've seen used ones at Amazon for $2.
Remember
You did not Cause this
You cannot Control this
You cannot Cure this
and
keep coming back it works if you want it.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
All I can suggest is DO go to an Al-Anon meeting. It is for YOU - not him. Perhaps you could leave the baby with your mom? I have to go out on the road at night too for my meetings, and I don't like it....but it is SOOOO worth it!!! One meeting and you'll ~know~ what I'm talking about!
Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I will do my best to try and get to a meeting and I will definetly look into getting that book.
He didn't drink this weekend, and he has no money on him (I take the money when Ican, and the bank cards). So I guess I can breath at least until Friday (payday).
It's my youngest daughters first Christmas and I don't have a single stitch of x-mas decorations up. Usually I'm a christmas NUT, but this year I don't even feel like putting up my tree I guess I'd better suck it up and get it done for her. I haven't even done any christmas shopping, and I need to get that done....including his stupid presents....even though I KNOW he won't be buying ME anything......he's never bought me a gift, flowers, card...nothing, ever...not for my birthdays, Christmas's, valentines day...nothing....ever! But Cristmas is about giving, not getting so.....
I know how hard it is to give up on them. I have been having thoughts lately of giving another chance (I moved out 3 mos. ago). My daughter reminds me of how things REALLY were. Funny how we sugar coat every thing and make it seem like it was good. I would have to agree YES you are enabling. Mine recently went to jail, I left him there. He still got out nonetheless. Every decision should be made with the answer to the question is this what I want to do? Is this best for ME and the KIDS? Like I said, I know it's hard!
Hi, alora - Your story sounds a lot like mine in many ways. One thing we say here is "Nothing changes if nothing changes". And another is "A definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results."
He has no reason to shape up - he knows that you will continue to take this - sure, you'll yell at him and make his life miserable for a few days, but so what? He has shown himself to be completely unreliable, and yet you keep relying on him - at some point, it stops being his problem, and becomes yours. Those babies deserve one sane parent, and believe me, it ain't gonna be him, so it had better be you.
One of the best things alanon did for me is to let me face reality - stop wishing and hoping for something that was not so, and instead look at my life clearly. When you accept that this is the way he is, then you can decide how to do what is best for you - make backup plans. This may mean leaving him, or it may mean just some ways of protecting yourself from his unreliability
I'm glad you are here. I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. When I started some wonderful people gave me a list of books that has helped me so much maybe they would you too. How Alanon Works, The Language of Letting Go, The Addictive Personality, and Getting Them Sober. Information and knowing I was not the only person experiencing these things was such a relief after years spent feeling so alone. You and your children are in my thoughts and prayers.
....sorry for the SUPER long post 
I guess I'd better suck it up and get it done for her. I haven't even done any christmas shopping, and I need to get that done....including his stupid presents....even though I KNOW he won't be buying ME anything......he's never bought me a gift, flowers, card...nothing, ever...not for my birthdays, Christmas's, valentines day...nothing....ever! But Cristmas is about giving, not getting so.....
