The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
sorry i haven't checked in, in a while.. i am going to be totally honest with you all... i hate coming on here... not that i hate all of you coz i don't.. i love ye all to pieces and appreciate all that ye did for me, ye were always there when i needed adice, help and emotional support!
i hate the fact that i have to come to this board... logging on here reminds me of where i was in my life..with my A and now..its like i can't escape it..i will always need you guys...and i hate my A for putting me in that situation... the mere mention of "Al-anon" makes me anxious and sad..and i dont want to be.
i tried sooo hard to leave that part of my life behind and its impossible... i didn't speak to me A since August. my choice. after one suicide attemt too many and his confessions to serial cheating with hookers etc... i broke free... emotionally.... or so i thought....
...every time i thought of him or my situation..i felt so much anger and rage i wanted to smash his face in... where i live, i see his slappers that he slept with behind my back, i see the sniggers the smirks, i hate him for that! i want to slap him, hit him, shake him..
i want him to hurt like i hurt... i loved him soooo much, would have done anything to make him happy...thought he was happy... but it was all a lie, fake and a joke... he played me for a fool,
how did i love this guy for 2 yrs...why did i let myself love him, why did he hurt me, why did he manipulate me, why did he pretend to love me, why did he have to f**k everything up.....
im sooo f**king mad!
he left a voicemail on my mobie last week saying "hiya, its me, hope ur o.k..im off to rehab again, take care of urself, bye"
WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT ALL ABOUT??????? only to make me think about him again.....
why am i constantly here...what did i ever do to deserve this crap! i hate all alco's, im mad at the whole world, and i am angry that he can "blame" a stupid disease for cheating and lying and manipulating.... cancer patients dont do that, and thats a disease too.... its like an easy escape for them.. "oh yea he acted the rite prick..but poor him..he's an alsoholic, he cant help it" HELP IT..MY ASS...
IM SORRY for taking all my feelings out on ye..its not yer fault, i really needed to vent 2nite b4 i burst wit rage, and im sorry for cursing...but it was either that or break a few windows :(
I have a lot of those feelings about my wife. The manipulation of feelings is the worst. That's why he called you. To let you know that all the bad things he does and says are attributable to the "sickness". He's manipulating your feelings and he got you. You are angry. You are manipulated.
I've been painting walls in my house for therapy. It has kept my mind from the frustration. You don't have to be angry.
-c-
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I know how often I've just wanted to "stuff the past". To "forget it all even happend." I've made valiant, admirable, comical, humilating, even cinematic attempts at my denial; and what always happens in the end is inevitable: my denial breaks. I find my past repeating itself in my present.
Will Rogers once said "People spend money on things they don't need trying to impress people they don't like to gain popularity they never wanted." This, to me, is applicable to our attempts at denial: the more, and harder, I try to force myself into believing what I call "nonsense" (read: my feelings, fears, and pain about my past) I really find myself saying "See? I"m fine! Steel nerves Sarah! I can survive anything! And it won't get to me! Nothing gets me down! Hahaha!"
But who am I trying to impress? What good does it do me?
Feel your pain. Be angry that you had to come here. No one came here on a winning streak. I know I didn't drive to my first meeting in a Mazarati Convertable. Nor with a check from Publisher's Clearinghouse in my back pocket. The healing is in the feelings. The feelings are freeing. Let yourself be free.
