The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I read Davids post today and It got me thinking.(oh no lol). I go to f2f meetings three different ones, I got one man in one of the meetings. He Is Awesome, he has taught me so much about myself, about Al-Anon, the steps, my behavior, my reactions, my resentments, anger, Omg if It was NOT for him, I would be a walking Time Bomb. So It has made me think, Are men any different from women In Al-Anon. Nope In most ways, we all suffered the same torture, But In one way YES they are.
When I walked Into my first f2f meeting It was all women. I got cuddles, words of affection, encouragement, It felt like I had half a dozen moms(lol).
So how does a man feel walking Into a meeting??????? Do we ever STOP to consider that.
It must be very hard for them, Men are perceived as being macho,tough, so what does It do to a man to walk Into a room FULL of women and ask for help.
Since I came Into this room I have met some men In here.(lol) Im laughing at some memories.
I think our men are BRILLIANT, they are always happy to listen to us, offer help, sympathy, understanding, encouragement,and continuing support for all us (hens) lol.
I have made some really good male friends In this room, I can talk to them laugh with them, at them (lol). And It's all good fun.
I have one special Guy In here who I remain friendly with, he came Into my life at the right time, and Im developing a good, trusting friendship with him,(don't even go there ok, lol).
Some women In here laugh at me and MY men, I ask everyone who comes Into the room if they male or female. There is a REASON for this (lol). I once spoke to someone for days before I realised they were a female, they had a nick which could be used for male and female, and Ally being Ally, I just called them a guy(lol). I can laugh now, but I felt like a tube at the time (lol).
THATS why I always ask okay you lot. So you can button It now>
So LADIES, lets spare a thought for ALL our Al-Anon BABES, keep offering them, especially our newcomers, the love and support they so rightly DESERVE.
So here's looking at you GUYS.
Love you loads
Your wee Ally
Here's how IMPORTANT you All are, I remember your names,(lmfho)
(Paragraph removed due to breaking the anonymity of others in our room.)
(I got help with this (lol), I never remembered ALL you Babes(lol).
To be honest, I think that men face some different issues in Al-Anon.... not any easier or harder, just different..... Certainly, the concept of "reaching out and asking for help" is tough for many of us, for a lot of the reasons you mentioned....
There are, however, some positives for men in Al-Anon, not the least of which are:
1. Attention - the numbers are staggering, so most men don't exactly mind going into a room where we are outnumbered by women 10:1, lol
2. Physical fear - many women have to fear for their physical safety, and that is what keeps them from going to F2F meetings... For the most part, men don't have that fear
Aside from the above, I think the #1 thing I got from Al-Anon - which I would argue is equally applicable to the ladies there - is friendship, understanding, and empathy. There is something unbelievably powerful in learning that we are not alone in this world, surrounded by the lunacy that addictions bring with it.....
Thanks for posting
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I too appreciate the men's perspectives. It is invaluable. Growing up in an A home and marrying an ACOA, I never, never, never knew that men had sensitive sides to them. I find it so refreshing.
So here and in my face to face meetings, I love the friendship of both the men and women.
yours in recovery, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
You definately have it right....It was terrifying for me to go to f2f at first, but there were some other men at my first one, so that helped out a bit. But still, it is not easy, as you pointed out, the stereotype is that men are tough and dont talk about their emotions. Personally, I have come to see that, as being my own denial.....and I am grateful that I was able to get past that. It has allowed me to have much deeper and meaningful relationships with friends; men and women. And also made those few "special" relationships much more meaningful and worthwhile.
You bring so much joy to this AFG, and I am glad to count you as one of my friends
I have learned so much being here. It is the hardest thing for a guy to reach out and ask for help, but, I quickly learned here that is is ok not to have all the answers. I also have enjoyed feeling loved and cared about with out conditions. It feels good. I have enjoyed the support so much and have leaned on it to get me through some really tough spots.
I actually am finding it facinating to hear things from a woman's persepctive since we are different and we think differently. But, I also have learned so much from the other men here that I am not alone and I am not crazy.
well i am a new comer here but i been in AA for almost 17 years and i found out i have a problem one of them is being a man that can be big enough but being co depened is a new game for me my friend in AA say i need help so i came here for that help.
Welcome, Marty!! I hope that you find what you are looking for here...I truly believe that AA and Al-Anon are flip-sides of each other and we can all learn alot from both programs. For me, I go to open AA meetings when I am having trouble having compassion for my A. I also regularly read the Big Book and other AA approved literature to get a perspective from the other side. Don't hesitate to ask any questions you might have about Al-Anon--I think that you'll find that everyone here will be more than happy to share their experience, strength and hope with you.
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
The men I have met through alanon are also pretty special. I think, because reaching out for help is not really something men in our culture are encouraged to do, for a man to walk through that door means, already, that he is willing to put himself on the line. It takes a little extra bit of courage to ignore those expectations, and they are mostly pretty great guys.
yes i sls we can help each other in some way both program are the same
the one way i want you to know i am talking me for the most part you think you are getting back the same person that you lost before he drank,
well i can say for my self in order to keep my head on right i need two
AA meeting a day and i pray and i read my big book for 15 min, and stop and mark the page,see i got a sponce with 31 years clean i told him i enjoy reading the big book so i kept on reading he told me he want me to stop when the alarm goes off and pray and medetate for a half of a hour this is what it takes to keep me going and i get the 12step meeting
The one thing that struck me about Al-Anon, it is and extention of your family. I love my family very much, but my life is now all about ME, and the thing that keeps me on the right path is my NEW FAMILY. You don't have to keep asking for help anymore, It is always there for you when you need it.
I understand about family beeing far away, but this lot in here are on this site 24/7 Cj. We have a great respect for each other(most times lol), we offer help when we can, and most times someone will have been in your situation. So come in and join us. We have meetings twice a day and chat ALL day long, there is always someone in here.
Don't suffer ALONE anymore, Im sure you have done plenty of that. Come join us and you will find the things you need to restart your life, YOUR WAY.
I gotta agree, I love getting the guys perspective AND it gives me hope that there are actually some good ones out there. I keep getting the A's and the guys here remind me that they're not all A's!
A little thing about the extension of family---I love my family. My parents are the BEST!!! BUT I find that I prefer to listen to people-"family" hear more when dealing with my ah b/c you all really understand. My father (bless his heart) is a great wonderful man. I have seen him with tears in his eyes maybe 3 times in all my life (I'm 34). He is strong and wise and has no problem standing up for what he believes in--so he really can't understand when something grabs ahold of somebody so tightly and they aren't successful at "fighting" it off. He gets so frustrated and angry (I;m sure) at my ah and he gets pretty mad about all the stuff I put up with and deal with. So while I love my father I don't like to really talk to him about everything b/c to him everything is cut and dried. (Maybe things really should be cut and dried, but I never acquired that part from my family--I think I'm the only one who didn't.)
So for me it is so great to get a man's perspective and explanation into things--let's face it for those of us who have alcoholic husbands sometimes our problems aren't just always the alcoholic but are also male and female perspective and understanding things!
My favorite scottish nutjob, boy did you hit the nail on the head. (In a good way)
For me the best benefit I get from the men in the rooms of alanon and other 12 step groups is trusting a man. OMG I can actually do that. Some of my biggest hurts were healed by something they have said.
Also men think differently than we do. And that is good because of the different perspective that we can get. I just like to look back and reflect how everything I pick up here, at meetings, at different forums I belong to, and see how it all fits into place.
I see my recovery as one big giant puzzle, but all the pieces don't have to fit a certain way. Each person I meet shows me how to pick up a piece and add it, and it fits no matter what.
Keep coming back ya nutjob, your perspective is great and the laughter we share is so much appreciated.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy (Bootsie, but only you can get away with that)
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Thanks dudette... it was realy weird to go into my 1st few AlAnon meetings... the tone of the meetings was so overwhelmingly feminine. There is a lot of nurturing in our twelve-step program. That's good & it's not good. I think we need both the masciline & feminine roles in our lives. Moms protect & nurture... Dads will let us screw up & learn from it. Both love us equally. Men & women balance each other. Difference in our wiring - not just our plumbing. We need hugs & an occasional boot in the butt.
hi lin you are right i feel i need alanon because i have a low self esteem and more than likely a whole lot more as you read i am coming up on 17 year on 12-26 of dec. because i am a alcoholic i been out there 33 years,and i was one of the bless by GOD with out GOD we all would not be here,i thank you for your reply and you do get a lot of love here and i am glad i am in alanon
I'm going to my 1st f2f tonight (supposed to go Monday, but weather cancelled). Ally, this particular post has given me both perspective and hesitation about the f2f. I'm a bit scared of being 'the guy' that showed up. I don't want to cry and be fluffed, I want to learn and be healthy. I want to be strong for when my wife either returns to me or leaves me after rehab. I don't know what the f2f will provide for me. The truth remains that I will find out only if I go.
Pride has a way of getting in the way of us (roosters... or cocks, si vous prefere). I'm fighting it, and realizing that it is an easy sandwich to swallow. After all, where do I start building if I don't give myself a foundation.
I know, I know... enough with the metaphors. Anyway, thanks for this posting. You are a good person.
((Ally))
-c-
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
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