(((((All)))))),

I have been thinking about a concept brought up by a group member in one of my home groups. She talked one night of how we often in a relationship give people 'custody' of things. Giving someone 'custody' is not always a bad thing, in fact if it's balanced and in context of a healthy family system, it can mean that everyone in the family has a positive and important job in the family. Parents, for example, may share 'custody' over the financial, spiritual, and emotional health of the family. Mom and Dad may both earn money, they may agree on a spending plan, one may parent may pay the bills, the kids may have to live within the means of an allowance, etc. Of course, in family setting with addiction, often giving someone 'custody' can happen in ways that's not healthy for the family, and I have been thinking about this in my own life in regards to how I give unreliable people 'custody' and then get mad at them when my 'stuff' is held hostage.

More specifically, here's a minor example that is representative of MANY in my most recent relationship: We broke up roughly a year ago, but then there were some months of trying to work it out, and now it is really over, over, over.  One last piece of business we have is that I had left three boxes of my stuff there (we live in different cities) before we split up, and a few weeks ago we agreed she would send them to me. I am frustrated that she has still not sent them, and I resent that I am potentially back in the role of relationship NAG. LOL. I was often nagging for things to be on time, for her to remember stuff, etc. I realize now that I have, in essence, given her custody of these boxes. She agreed to seal the boxes, address them, and pay for the shipping, and haul them to the shipping place. I am on a limited income so her offering to pay was very much appreciated. But, I realize now that it may be MONTHS before I get these boxes--she'll forget, not get to it, whatever, and that I will probably nag and repeat myself and carry on before I get them, and that's not a road I want to see myself go down on. It's the last issue between us and I very much so want it resolved.

SO, I have created a plan "B". I have called the various postal outlets (FEDEX, UPS, etc.) and figured out that there's such a thing as scheduled pick-up, I can pay for the postage on-line, create the labels on-line, send the labels to my ex, and she can simply tape the boxes up and leave them in her building lobby. Much easier for her, and a much saner approach for me :--). This requires her cooperation, of course, but even before she sends the boxes back, it feels like it gets the boxes back in my custody. I left the boxes there, I should really take responsibility for getting them back to myself by doing the postal legwork necessary.

This example, may seem trite, even silly, but for me it represents MANY, MANY, MANY times in our relationship when I didn't fully take responsiblity for my stuff--for example, I didn't want the responsiblity of a car (payments, insurance, etc.), so during our relationship I never bought my own car, even though a 2nd car would have made a TON of sense.  Instead, we shared her car that she paid for,  but then I got mad when she was late to pick me up, made more stops on the way on then I wanted to make, didn't want to go out of her way to drop me off at my holiday job, etc. Likewise, I took custody of stuff that didn't belong to me, or at least didn't belong fully to me--for a long time, for example, I believed I could make her happy, or tried to take charge of her health by being SUPER helpful on her health issues (can we say controlling? LOL). None of this stuff is so terrible if it's in balance, or for a short period of time, etc. but in my relationship it got completely out of balance, and over the long term the relationship deterioated significantly.

I am thankful for my Al-Anon home group that gives me a chance to hear things and apply them to my life. As I look forward in my life, I plan to be more careful who I give custody of what to, and to strive for balance and true partnership.

Thanks for listening!

Cheers,

BlueCloud