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So the silence has finally ended and last night we hugged for the first time in 3 weeks. Now what? I haven’t asked him to stop drinking and he has not offered to. Don’t want to slip into denial but can’t live with the silence. Does anyone have any self-reflecting questions I should be asking myself or have any words of caution.
Not sure what you're asking for Elizabeth. Are you attending Al-Anon meetings? Are you working a program? Are you focusing on your own actions and behavior (rather than his)? Do you have a sponsor?
We learn to live one day at a time. How do you feel today? I often have to remind myself not to project, to stay in the here and now. To enjoy the good days. To know that bad days do happen, and if I'm in one, well it too will pass and I do have the choice of "starting" my day over at any time with a better attitude or allowing myself to feel whatever it is I'm feeling that day.
Silence - I sometimes have my own days where I need silence. It is okay for 2 people to have 2 different, separate moods on the same day. We need to learn how to detach from other's moods and realize just because they are feeling ______, does not mean we have to feel that way too. You're not responsible for his moods. Nor is he responsible for yours.
Dunno if any of this helps ya. This program takes time. Be gentle on yourself. We're always here for you.
Wishing you enuf, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
When I first heard those words it sounded like turn the other cheek, or ignore everything you don't like. But in my F2F one day someone decided to share what it means to her.
It went something like... I am going to live my life to the fullest, seeking out my dreams and aspirations, when roadblocks get in my way I will work with my HP to see if I knock them over or if there is a detour around them. I will live my life like someone would someday write a book and feature my story as one in which the example would be " she made mistakes, but she led a long and happy life and everyone she came in contact with was better for it." I will not live in the past and allow resentments to rob me of my future.
I will live.... and not get in the way of others doing the same.
I probably didn't get that all right, but I was completely moved by her strength and the beauty of her goal. Hope she won't mind me paraphrasing.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
yes going to f2f and will talk to my sponsor tonight. I guess I am really asking how to stay married to an active A without having your heart broken every 1 to 2 weeks. How do you connect on an emotional level with a AH and still stay detached? Is it even possible?
rtexas...what if those dreams include my AH...do I get new dreams? modify them ? How? If anyone knows please share ...Till then I will listen for my HP
Elizabeth M wrote: yes going to f2f and will talk to my sponsor tonight. I guess I am really asking how to stay married to an active A without having your heart broken every 1 to 2 weeks. How do you connect on an emotional level with a AH and still stay detached? Is it even possible?
One word: Expectations.
Usually when my heart gets broken, it is due to my own expectations of another. I need to be realistic, brutally honestly realistic. Have to ask myself, did I expect more than I knew he was capable of giving? Did he really fail me, or did I set that up myself by expecting more than was realistic? Have I truly accepted him for who he is, as he is... or am I still expecting him to be different (wanting him to change)?
I personally think there is a difference between Hoping they will change/find recovery and Expecting them to change/find recovery.
I think detachment comes with awareness, acceptance, understanding, and compassion. That full phrase is Detachment with Love. I can connect emotionally with my A when I am using all my Al-Anon tools. My grandmother once said to me, "A healthy relationship is not two halves coming together to make a whole, it is two wholes joining together to share life." Am I expecting him to fill part of my emotional "whole"? That's a heavy burden to put on anyone.
My key to staying married to an active A and being happy/serene: Acceptance. That one tool covers a whole lot of territory.
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Now that's an interesting question. You are in much the same situation I am in. Even if our relationship does not work out, my AW will be part of my life forever. We have young children together.
What I am trying to do right now is to take care of me, my health, my finances... and getting towards my future planning and even some fun. I don't have to change all my plans if my AW is able and wants to participate in them.
I still want to be healthy, I will not do things to go broke either way. If I am living my life and get things sorted out for myself, I expect she will want to join in. And if she doesn't... then at least I am not blaming her for not taking care of myself.
For so long everything I did, everything I said, every plan I made... was to try and appease the disease in her so she would not be so upset and depressed. Did that to the point of losing my mind.
I am trying very hard to look at this like my AW is my best friend. I am happy for my best friend to come along and enjoy my dreams. I don't expect my best friend to squash my dreams or make me feel like I don't deserve to have them. If he/she did, I would do it anyway.
I think the only silver bullet is to keep growing. Just being here and asking that question means you are growing. You may not have all the answers at once, but there's nothing wrong with that.
Give youself a break.... a lot of times I think we are just not meant to know all the answers. If I can't figure out an answer to something, sometimes I just have to relax and forget about it. Poof, the answer comes "out of nowhere"... (that's what my HP likes me to think LOL)
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
It is hard enough to try to connect with a sober A, much less an active A. The active A is controlled by the disease--it is more important than love, security, friendship, loyalty, fidelty, family, honesty, etc.--if any of those things get in the way. One of the things that I didn't understand until after I learned more about the disease is that an active A lives a life fueled by shame, fear and guilt. I don't think that they have "dreams" like the Al-Anon does because, deep-down, the A does not believe that he/she has a right to be happy or to have a future. Once sober, the A has to learn how to live life on life's terms, but sober. Hopefully, the A works the 12 steps and deals with the guilt and fear from which he/she has been running and instead, allows his/her HP to replace those feelings with, among other things, hope and selfless love for others.
Here's the kicker, though....we have absolutely no control over whether or not any of that will happen. So, what do we do??? As you asked, how do we keep from having our hearts broken over and over again?? If we decide to stay with the A (active or not) then we have to take control of the only thing we can--our own recovery. That means: working the steps with a sponsor, attending F2F meetings (AA meetings can be helpful too), dailing readings from our CAL literature, service work, developing friendships in the Al-Anon family and learning how to live our lives for ourselves and not "for" the A.
For me, that meant learning how to apply the Al-Anon slogans in my relationship with the A and others in my life...Let Go and Let God, Live and Let Live, First Things First, How Important Is it, etc. It meant learning to live my live with serenity whether or not the A was drinking or not.
Keep coming back, there is hope!! This program works if you work it and your Al-Anon family is here to support you on the journey!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
