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Hi I'm new to the board but not to Alanon. I have been attending f2f meetings for over 2yrs now. I have been married to my active A now for 3yrs. We seperated a year ago and are currently trying to work things out even though he has not quit drinking. I have learned alot thru Alanon. It has helped me have more compassion for the alcoholics in my life and I have learned alot about the disease of alcoholism. I still find myself getting frustrated with my A though. I know it's progress not perfection but I still find myself holding onto some resentments. Like for instance our sex life sucks!!!! He has told me over and over that he knows it's his drinking and that it has nothing to do with me. Well I appreciated him being honest and not trying to put the blame off on me, but the thing is he keeps saying this but doesn't seem to want to change it. I'm not asking him to quit drinking but it would be nice from time to time if maybe he wouldn't drink as much maybe once or twice a week. Another thing is his maturity level. When he drinks this 50 yr. old man turns into a 14 yr old raging teenager. It really gets on my nerves. I don't say anything to him about it when he's drinking because this would start an argument. I try my best to ignore it but that can be so difficult sometimes. You may say go to another room but that doesn't work for me. He wants me right by his side when he is drinking and for me to go to another room would start an argument. Any suggestions?
(((((FairyTales))))) <==== these are hugs by the way
Welcome to MIP! This is a wonderful place full of caring people who relate to what you are going through. I can't say enough what this board and it's members have meant to me.
I am sorry you are frustrated, boy can I relate to the "... it's hard to work my program when he/she is like that, but they won't let me leave their side." So many times what they want is not good for us, (or them).
I admire the strenght it takes to know he is still drinking, and making a go of it. I believe with this program it can be done if you want it to. I couldn't do it with my AW actively drinking in our home. There was just too much chaos, but I know that I didn't do everything I could have either.
Like you, I didn't turn my back on the crazy talk and "get away from it". I felt I couldn't for several reasons. Some of them were true, but the most compelling reason was because I "thought" she wouldn't permit it.
The truth is, she doesn't have to permit it. I am a big boy and I can make up my own mind on what I do. That includes leaving the room, leaving the house or ending a bad phone conversation.
These are just my thoughts... take what you like and leave the rest. But please continue to post and share here. This is a great and safe place to share and grow. It has quite literally saved my life, I am sure of it.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
You're a very astute observer, Fairy, dear. I hope you continue to go to the f2f meetings by the way. What you've observed is actually normal.
When alcholics drink, they return to the emotional age that they were when they got drunk their first time, and it sounds like the first time your partner got drunk when he was about 14. This is expected. Until someone commits fully to long term sobriety and a form of "cognitive behavioral therapy" they will never be able to move past the age when they first began using and abusing alchol. So, while it's admirable that you have come to terms with how he may never "stop" completely, it may very well take him "stopping" for him to really be able to handle something as mature and as significant as an adult sexual relationship. It is perfectly reasonable for a spouse to want a satisfying, physically fufilling relationship with her partner; however, given how young your partner was when he first began abusing alchol, he may not be able to give you this until he commits to changing his attitudes about drinking. Think about it this way: when I was 14 sex was a mythical, scary, but very exciting thing to go through, and I wanted to do it (I realize I'm assuming a great much, so feel free to correct me, FairyTales); but, I didn't have an adult attitude about it. I didn't have, for example, any resources if, say I got pregnant, or got an STI (which, lucky me, actually happend). Because my attitudes at the time were so immature, I wasn't able to understand the full gravity of my actions like an adult would. The same dynamics are at work here.
Speaking only for myself, Fairy, I want you to be loved at all levels, by someone who respects you, adores you and worships you at all levels. Someone with the emotional maturity of a 14 year old may not have that. Additionnally, so long as he's drinking, there's not going to be anything that counceling is going to do--it's counterproductive, in fact. One of our members observed, "It was like night and day. He would go to the councelor's office and be so energetic, so willing. We'd get home and he'd be hateful, mean, and blame everything on me. I thought I was losing my mind. "
About the seperate bedrooms: which is more valuble--a full nights sleep, leaving you feeling better and ready to face the world, or the way you're sleeping now? Many of our members have shared that purchasing hunter's earplugs, putting a lock on the guest room door, and similar tactics have allowed for a formidible boundry, allowing for a simple, yet direct "When you are drunk, I will not do X, Y, or Z."
Please, keep coming back. And consider, if you will, going to open AA meetings, such as speaker meetings. Many of our members have found them most helpful. (((HUGS)))) Keep us posted.
I can definitely relate to your share. Married to my A for 7 years, in Al-Anon for 3 years and he's still active, and yes, it affects sexual performance/ability. This isn't a topic we see much here, but it is a common issue.
I came to Al-Anon because a cop said to me "You allow it." I've thought of those 3 words quite a bit since then. What it comes down to for me is this. I've had to decide what I can and cannot live with. What I will or won't accept.
After some time in Al-Anon I began standing up for myself. Yes, sometimes that causes waves, so I always have to consider "How Important Is It?" Is it something I need to be firm on, or can I compromise? If he is drinking and it is bothering me too much, yes, I will leave the room or house and go do something else. If it causes waves, oh well, too bad. My feelings count as much as his do. The funny thing is that he has come to respect me much more since I began to stand up for myself. Let me note here that I am not in physical danger from him - that's an important note - someone who is in that type of situation would have to be very careful what they do and should seriously look at getting out to safety.
As you know, no one can tell you or should tell you what you should do. The choices we make are all very personal. Only you know what your acceptance level is.
One thing to consider on the sexual problem: Men can be extremely sensitive when they are unable to perform. They can begin to build up that fear of "what if it doesn't happen/work?" which just serves to compound the problem. A lot of A's are self-sabotaging. They drink to avoid facing issues. For them it is easier to go ahead and have that drink rather than risk the chance of having "performance failure". It doesn't help for a woman to nag about it either (not saying you do). Sometimes when we take the pressure off, things work out just fine.
A lot of couples forget to take the time to really work on the romance side of their relationship. Remember when you were dating? Was it different? Did you both try harder? It's no different after marriage - we still have to make those efforts. It's like any fire...without fuel and tending, it will die out.
Keep coming back, and thanks for sharing.
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Think about it this way: when I was 14 sex was a mythical, scary, but very exciting thing to go through, and I wanted to do it (I realize I'm assuming a great much, so feel free to correct me, FairyTales); but, I didn't have an adult attitude about it. I didn't have, for example, any resources if, say I got pregnant, or got an STI (which, lucky me, actually happend). Because my attitudes at the time were so immature, I wasn't able to understand the full gravity of my actions like an adult would. The same dynamics are at work here. 