The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We had an awesome f2f meeting today around the Nov 18 reading. As I was driving to the meeting I was thinking that I should speak up when they say do you want to do a topic or forum favorite. Then I thought, no, let your HP lead the way. Boy, did this reading hit home. I hide and hedge and do not communicate with my AHsober honestly and openly. I guess that is a form of manipulation. And I am afraid of his reaction. It also says to particpate fully in life. I half ass it most days because I am afraid to take my place on this earth. To this day my family of origin does not talk about the alcoholic that we grew up with. It says be as open and honest with others as you can.
So I met my AHsober before I drove home. I just knew he was going to pull something. So I went in there prepared. He says so how are you and I thought "fine" like I always respond. I said I was tired and stressed out and didn't sleep well. Well, at least he got honest answer today. He says he is ready to negotiate the divorce. That I am the only thing holding him up from a freedom. That I never allowed him to do anything when he was with me. I said this is like talking to a drunk. No way am I negotiating with a drunk. And that I am not capable and not ready. I said that you can't put things on the table to negotiate when you have made all the decisions for 2 years and then chopped up the table to boot.
Well, that is about as calm as I have been in a long time with this man I call my husband. He even called to see if I made it home all right. LOL. Pulling out all the stops. It says participation is the key to harmony.
The shares of pain and joy were so powerful today. I feel like I grew a little today. And by the way, on this day 25 years ago, I quit smoking. If I can kick that addiction then I know I can kick this co-addicted relationship that I have with my AHsober.
I thought as I was reading that reading that it took me a little bit of time and a lot of practice to figure out who was safe to be direct with; who was safe to be direct with in what ways; how being direct was different than being verbally abusive; how verbal abuse is NOT loving and it is not being honest OR direct with my needs; how voicing my needs and my problems do NOT have to be honored by the person I am voicing them TO, but DO need to be honored by ME. These are big things to learn! I'm still working on them!
I always remember what Melody Beattie says on this subject: "We can trust direct people even if they unsettle us a little bit, because they are being authentic, something we strive for in recovery."
