The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I helped my son get to Florida today. He gave me his car to sell and I bought him a ticket and gave him some cash. I could have refused and let him sell the car and buy his ticket, but I wanted him to leave so badly. I know he will drink anywhere if that's what he wants to do, but he has been sober for a few days, and sounds determined to make a change. Maybe the last 5 weeks of livng on friend's couches, or in his car and not having any money was the bottom for him. A year ago he had a wife a house, a good job and money in the bank. Certainly he has never been in this position before. He drank, but he managed. He says he has lost sight of who he is and wants to be himself again. Who knows?
As for me, I need to have him somewhere else. When he is near me I know what he is doing. I know where he is hanging out and all the drinking and drugging. I worry night and day. He has always been up front with me and I desperately try to change things. I have been much better since finding this site and f2f. I know the 3 Cs, but I am never at peace.
Maybe it's a false hope to think that moving away will help. I keep thinking about sunshine, flowers, the ocean and a new start. I want him to be healthy and strong again and I don't think he can do it here, with all the old people, places and things.
It seems like I have 2 sides battling around in my head. One says I didn't let him do it all for himself. The other says I did what was best for me, because having him nearby was such torment for me. I don't know what's right, or maybe there is no such thing as right.
You did what you felt was right at the time. You made a decision based on the knowledge you had and that's the best we can do Hun. Don't beat yourself up over it.
I totally understand the feelings. When my 36 yr old son lived with me last year and I saw the shape he was in constantly, I went crazy. I actually begged my husband to put me in a mental hospital just so I couild try to sort things out!!!!! Actually, then my HP ( God for me) showed me to the doors of al-anon.
He lives in the city now, an hour away, and yes, he is going downhill, much worse off now it seems, but I don't see it every day. He has been staying with a friend but is very, very close to being thrown out of there. Easier for me to detach when I don't have it in my face 24/7. Hopefully easier for God to work. (without my help)
I see and feel so much pain on this board and in my f2f meetings too. Sometimes I get bogged down in it all and have to take a break.
Think of this as a loving, gentle break for all of you; and who knows, God is in Florida too!
(((laura))) Wow, it must be so hard having to deal with your child (even if they are grown) having addictions.
In my case, my daughter is 30, and is not an A, but when she was 20 she moved out with her boyfriend, who was into pot and all his friends were. It was hard knowing she was living in that place, but I didn't see her often, as our work schedules prevented it. I always just assumed she was doing OK, that she was tucked safely into bed at 9PM. THEN she moved back home. OMG. I thought I would go crazy. By then she was 21. She always worked and paid her bills, and I never saw her doing anything I would disapprove of, EXCEPT she liked to go to the dance club, and often I would leave for work at 6 am and she wouldn't be home yet. It was awful. I just knew she was dead in a ditch somewhere.
There is something about having your kid (even a grown one) too close. You worry yourself sick, and you cannot control their behavior. And, as Irish said, you did the best you could. You know the 3 C's, so it really doesn't matter if he's here or there, as far as his using goes. But, if it helps you cope, maybe it is best for him. He must choose his own path. I know, as a parent, that is tough to swallow. We love our kids, raise them the best we can, watch their baby steps, and then too quickly they are grown up, and we have to let go. HP is in charge of him now. Turn him over, and let go with love. It sounds like you are doing that already. Good job. Now, just let go of the guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You love your son, and he knows it. Keep coming back.
My son just called from Florida and we talked for a long time. He says I didn't know how bad the last few weeks have been, sometimes staying with a crackhead friend and sometimes in the car. He was in the worse part of a terrible city. We talked about how terrible he looked when he came here Friday. He is too thin and has dark bags under his eyes. He thinks he hit the bottom and he will go to NA with his friend. He feels like this is a new start and he is back in his real world of people who work and take care. He is definately sober, but then again he is a binger.
I know I've heard all this before, but the last few weeks are the worse he has ever lived, so maybe there is some hope.
I had a better day today. He wasn't in my head all the time. I knew he was safe today and that he felt more hopeful. I cleaned and started preparing for the arrival of my grandsons and some company on Friday. I am not making Thanksgiving because my mom is not mobile enough to come here so we are going to her and taking her out. It's the first time ever we are having Thanksgiving in a restaurant and I am hoping that it will be a day that I can enjoy because I won't be worried and scared.
I think a good move, at least if it were me, I would figure out a boundry from here. Like, is this it? Like, "I helped you get to florida; you're on your own from here in" Or, and this is something that a lot of parents I know do, "I will pay for rehab; I will not simply send money."
Maybe that would help end the voices. I know journaling and talking to my sponsor also makes a big difference for me.
I can't pay for anymore rehab. I've paid for 4 rehabs. On 2 of them I paid the part that insurance didn't cover. On 2, I had to pay the whole thing because we tried another type rehab that wasn't dual diagnosis so insurance didn't pay. We thought since the first 2 didn't work out, maybe the totally spiritual kind would help. He was thrown out of the first one for getting drunk. A "guest" of a resident brought in a bottle and my son got bombed. So we moved him to another place that looked wonderful. He claims he learned so much there, but a month later he was drinking again.
He is on his own now. I am out of money, - cars, lawyers, fines, tickets, car insurance, weddings, houses, apartments, and rehabs.
I don't want to think about what will happen if he needs another rehab. I hope and pray it won't happen again, because i can't do it anymore.
