A couple of years ago, if you had asked me to define what a crazy person was, I would have described to you someone you might find in an institution. Then a year and a half ago I joined Alanon and learned a very different definition for insanity. Albert Einstein once defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. For me this definition is probably more scary than the definition you will find in any dictionary. It actually applied to me.

At the time... in my first face to face Alanon meeting I didn't even realize how insane I actually was. I didn't think I was the person with the problem. I thought as a lot of spouses of alcoholics do, that I was completely right, and all of the problems in our marriage were all his fault. He was the one that was out of control. All of the fights we had he was to blame for, all our money problems, everything was his fault, and if he would just clean himself up everything would be fine. It was true to an extent.. that was half of it anyways.

I have had to take a long hard look at my own behavoir, how I chose to participate in the arguments. Yes, Dave was out of control. He needed to get into a program. But I was out of control tooand I remained in my marriage. Lots of spouses do stay with their alcoholics, even when the A doesn't stop drinking or drugging. A lot of people also do not believe that alcoholism is a disease. That the person with the addiction has all the control in the world over their actions. If that person wanted it bad enough they would do something. I personally thought all of these things at one point in time. I figured if he loved me he wouldn't keep putting me through all that. I figured if I harped on him enough, threatened him enough, controlled everything enough, that he would have to shape up. I become obsessed over our problems. Raged against Dave, hated him at times. Dave used to referr to himself as Good and Evil Dave. It was actually kind of a joke between us in times when he was sober. Evil Dave was the drug addict/ alcoholic. Good Dave was my best friend. I loved Good Dave. Good Dave made me laugh, helped me bear the burden of our troubles, helped me raise my children. Good Dave would often be heard in my home rough housing with the kids, reading stories to my daughter,.giving advice to my teenager, helping Brenden with his homework. Good Dave sometimes cooked dinner when I didn't ask him to and did kind things for me that he knew I would enjoy. I couldn't be happier when Good Dave was around. Life was almost perfect for those two months or so in between his drinking and drugging binges.

It was Evil Dave that I hated, and I mean HATED. When Evil Dave was around I couldn't stand even being in the same room as him. I was cold and mean and wretched to him. I wanted to smother Evil Dave in his sleep. The sound of Evil Dave's breathing grated my last nerve as I would sit obsessing over what this latest binge was going to do to us financially and how we were supposed to get by. The sickening smell of beer as it came out of his pours made me so enraged I wanted to snatch him bald after he had passed out wherever. I was just one big ball of rage. I was mad at the world and everyone in it.

I remember our first marriage counseling session, and cringe. I dumped 3 years of rage, hatred, sorrow, my feelings of betrayal, destroyed expectations. I let it all out. The venom, and poison that had been festering in my soul for all that time. I think that was probably my most insane time. Those few months around that first session. I cried all of the time, I was depressed, I was just one big vulnerable bundle of nerves. I was so out of control, and the saddest part was that I was in as much denial about what was going on as he was.

I have learned so much in the last 18 months. Found a peace and serenity at times that I never thought I would ever find. It was hard at first... the lessons came hard and my forward motion sometimes was non detectable. At one point last winter I thought it was hopeless and I was finally ready to throw in the towel. I made all of my plans... for a clean break from my marriage and made one last desperate plea to him to get some help. And shocker of all shockers he actually agreed to go to AA. He went kicking and screaming at first... I think he wanted to go atleast a little bit.... otherwise I would never have gotten him through that door in the first place. I am not sure what he discovered there... maybe some connection to some those there that had walked in the same shoes. I remember crying my eyes out that first night after he went. I realized that this was it... it was so close to the end... either we were going to be able to go forward together... or we would have to separate. I felt so guilty for pushing my agenda and it had finally sank in that he had to want this for himself. That what I wanted for him didn't matter... he was either going to pick up the reins that had been dropped at his feet... or he was going to go back home and never go back to AA. Either way I was going to have to keep walking forward. Keep moving away from that lifestyle. Keep catching myself pushing my own agenda, keep stopping myself from participating in the madness and biggest of all MIND MY OWN BUSINESS.

Thankfully he did decide to walk forward. It was scary at first. There was a good chance that in the end we wouldn't have a solid enough foundation to endure. I was scared I was making a huge mistake. That it might just be easier to leave and start again with out him. There are no guarentees in AA. There are no promises that he will never relapse. But uur counselor said something to me a couple of months later... After we had decided that it was worth keeping and that we could make things work. She told me that Dave is almost like the other half of myself. I am the worrier, he is more light hearted. He can shrug most stuff off, where I am a grudge holder. I am not trusting. Dave is the comforter, and I tend to be hard and ungiving a lot of the time. The thing is... We balance each other out. He shares my worry with me... and he helped me be lighter at heart, to try to let things go, not hold grudges. I sometimes think he is better for me than maybe the other way around.

I think AA and Alanon have saved us. Well... I guess in the end we all really decide to save ourselves. We both still have a long way to go, but as long as we keep working at it... we keep getting better.

So thats pretty much where I am at now... My issues go so much deeper than I had ever expected. I am dealing though. I don't blame anyone for what happened to me anymore. I may still get angry at percieved wrongs and I don't understand how some people can be the way they are to their own flesh and blood. Those are my issues though. I know in my heart that everyone has always just done the best they could with what they had to work with. I do know that. Its a hard pill to swallow sometimes, and I have made plenty of my own mistakes. I guess as long as I am learning from them that is ok.

I don't know if this will help anyone else and I apologize for the small book... lol I haven't posted here in a long time... I just wanted to post something positive. I know sometimes for people who are new to Alanon there can be so much negative everywhere. Just keep coming back... it does work.

Hugs
Jessyca