The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I’ve been reading through the posts for a while, finding so many similarities between peoples’ stories and what I have been going through. I am hoping that these messages will give me the strength and courage to do what I need to do.
I have an A b/f – we’ve been seeing each other for 6 months. A lot of our time together has been apart for various reasons so the extent of his dysfunction was not obvious for a while. Plus there’s always that overlooking that happens early in a relationship. He was in the military, in the process of getting out for medical reasons. He drank a fifth of booze in about 30 minutes one day, ended up in the ER when he couldn’t wake up. Had a blood alcohol level of .5 something. He spent 2 months on restriction because of this and specifically was not allowed contact with me since he told his commander that I bought him the booze (which I did not). I thought that this restriction was a good thing – he did actually sober up for a while and was taking pills to help with withdrawals. With a great deal of trepidation, not really wanting to hear the answer that I thought I might get, I asked if he was going to drink when he got off this restriction. He said that he would like to. I should have gotten the point then but I guess I didn’t have a clue about how distorted As thoughts are.
His drinking history: First, he drinks hard liquor like water – guzzling it straight from the bottle. Most of the time he can’t even wait to get home before he cracks the cap on a bottle. He usually drinks about a fifth a day – sometimes more. He’s tried to quit but gets so sick that he wants some booze just to take the edge off. Unfortunately it’s so out of control that he never drinks just enough to do that. He drinks himself back into another stupor and just starts all over again. When he first started staying over at my place, he would want to go back in the house when we were leaving in the morning, on the premise that he wanted to use the bathroom but didn’t feel comfortable with me being around. What he was actually doing was hitting my liquor cabinet for a guzzle to get him through the day. Several half gallon bottles of liquor that I have had for 4-5 years are now gone - this in the course of about 4 weeks. If he can stretch a fifth out over the course of a day he's functional. If he tanks it and drinks half a bottle or more within a few hours he obnoxiously drunk.
When he finally got out of the military, he stayed with me for a couple of weeks and then went home to visit family and his son for about 5 weeks. When he was here he was drinking heavily every day, usually passed out by the time I got home from work. He insisted that he was going to quit when he went home since he was going to be spending most of the time with his son. Lies!! Not only did he drink, but when his son spent the night with him and he was responsible for his son and niece, he was so drunk I could barely understand his phone conversation when he called me. Whether he was going to come back here or stay at home was up in the air. He said that he wanted to come back here, but I always assumed that once he saw his son and family that he would change his mind. And for his sake I felt that staying there would be the best for him since living here is much more expensive. But he decided to come back and in a way I was glad because he really is a great person aside from the drinking. I think the main reason he came back is because he didn’t like his family nagging him about the booze.
He has been back here for almost 3 weeks. He has been drinking every day. At first he controlled it because he knew that I would get pissed if he was really drunk. He also made an effort to do things with me because I had complained that he was always getting drunk and passing out so that we couldn’t do things. He really does try to cut back - but when he give in to the alcohol he calls me and tells me that he failed. Literally in those exact words.
But this past week has been hell for me. He calls me at 9:00 or 10:00 AM and he’s drunk. As the day progresses he gets increasingly worse. By the time I get home he’s usually passed out. He’s got bottles hidden all over the house because he knows I won’t let him drive or take him to buy more booze if he runs out. (He's going to the store when I'm at work) And if I find any I either dump it or hide it. I just woke up at 3:00 AM because I could hear him trying to hide a bottle under the bed that he just finished taking a swig from. It was about 2 thirds gone – I dumped the rest out. I have another bottle, unopened that I found when I got home last night, and another that was empty. He hasn’t fond a job – he’s looking but doesn’t know the area that well so it’s hard for him to get around without getting lost. Even if he did get called for a job, who would hire him if he goes for an interview smelling like booze?
Last week he gave me his ATM card so he couldn’t buy booze. That lasted for about 4 days. By the end of the weekend he had taken the card out of my purse so he would have it for this week.
He’s not a mean drunk. In fact, he gets really lovable – annoyingly so. He DOES get angry with me when I ask about the drinking or question him about it. He’ll might say mean things – not putting me down but saying that he’s leaving. Or if we’re on the phone he’ll hang up a lot. There are a couple of times when he has been really weird and kind of hostile, but still not mean. It's almost as though he is halucinating or something.
I just can’t deal with it. I have a teenage daughter and I don’t want her around this. I’m in grad school, forking out $1500. a semester and I haven’t even been doing my work because I am so physically and emotionally exhausted. A few days ago he called me at work and said that he was packing his stuff to get a hotel for a couple of days to clear his head. He didn’t think things were working out because we were arguing all the time. It was really just that I was getting mad at him for being drunk every day. I think that he really had no intention of doing that (getting a hotel) – he just wanted to see if I cared enough to ask him not to go. He really is a great person. He cares so deeply for people and will do anything for someone who needs help. He's loving and affectionate and helpful. But he just doesn’t seem to care for himself at all and he doesn't realize that his problem affects other people around him.
He keeps insisting that he will quit (or at least cut back) when he gets a job, or when this happens or that happens. But after reading these posts, I know now that he probably won’t and that this relationship is doomed to failure. Actually, I shouldn’t even call it a relationship because the only relationship that he has is with the booze. He knows that he has a problem, he admits this, he wants to quit but he says that it’s just so hard. He gets the shakes and throws up and can't sleep. He has Campral but doesn't take it - and you have to actually quit before you take it anyway. I keep thinking (and he keeps saying) that once he starts working he won’t be like that but I just don’t have any confidence in that. I’ve made up my mind a million times that I just need to throw him out but then I don’t and I can’t understand why. Why don’t I have enough sense to do what I know I should, what I need to do? I feel bad about it because I told him that I wanted him to come back and now I want him to leave. We’re on an island here so leaving isn’t that easy – or cheap. And he could not afford to live here without me - or someone else. I just don’t want to fool myself into believing that things will get better. And I definitely don’t want to keep living like this. I just can’t understand how I got myself into this situation. I’ve been through so much in my life already. I should know better. I’ve done a lot of spiritual growing the past 10 years or so. I haven’t been in a relationship in 4 years. Why did I choose to start with such a dysfunction?
I'm sorry that this is so long - and I was even holding back. I think I was just holding a lot of things in and needed to get it out. I'm glad that I finally found this site.
It sounds that you and your BF are miserable. I suppose if you've been reading the posts you've happened across the 3 C's. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. You said you were dumping and hiding bottle..How's that workin for ya? It's useless, they just buy or find more. We say the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. Someone has to change and since you only have control over yourself, it has to be you. Fact is, HE is the only one that can do anything about his addiction. You will drive yourself nuts trying to help and change him.
Alanon can help you deal with the affects of alcoholism. We don't suggest you stay with him or leave. That's your decision. You know what is right for you. Here, you can learn about enabling, detachment, how to handle the anger, anxiety, frustration, the lies and manipulation. Even if you decide this relationship isn't for you, the tools and steps you learn here will prevent it from happening again (hopefully) by recognizing what is within you that allows it.
Keep coming back and find a meeting!! Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Welcome, I am glad you are here. MIP is a wonderful place, a safe place to share our feelings, and benefit from other's experience.
I'm sorry you are going through this right now. Being emotionally and physically exhausted makes eveything in our lives seem impossible to deal with. Try to take a little time to do somethign nice for yourself, it's amazing how much better I can feel afterwards. And to my shock the world and my A did not fall apart while I took time for myself.
You're right, the stories are all the same. Not only that, but it is a progressive disease and only gets worse as time goes on. Don't feel guilty for changing your mind, with new information come new decisions! You made a decision before based on information you had then, you now have new information.
Thanks to everyone for your great posts. They really are helpful. What is hard for me is that my b/f and I really aren't miserable. I just get ticked off when he gets drunk and he gets ticked off when I continually ask him about his drinking. Outside of that, our relationship is very functional and we are both happy. So that makes it hard to stick to any decision that I make about ending the relationship.
Last night was a test for me - to put into practice what I have learned here so far. He was fine all day - we had a great day together. When he got home he took a guzzle of booze and that did him in. He wanted to be affectionate - I didn't. It was hot, I was tired, and I wanted to sit and relax with a movie. He kept bugging me & I didn't give in to his needs. He got mad & went in the other room, probably expecting me to come after him. When I didn't he kept coming back in. I'm realizing that a lot of what he does (especially if I'm mad) is just a ploy to get attention or sympathy. It's not working anymore. I did what I wanted and ignored him. He said he was going to sleep outside on a little metal 2- person outdoor glider. I let him go, he stayed out there for about 15 minutes. Then he gave me a wad of cash that he said was mine. It was actually his. I just took it & figured I'd talk to him about it when he was sober - or not.
Then he woke me up at 1:00am for some completely stupid thing that he wanted me to see. I refused to even aknowledge him since I had to get up and work in the morning. I'm just thankful that I don't have to deal with any of the financial issues that some people are going through. I keep my finances completely away from him. I did the same when I was married. I already told him that if he was going to spend money on booze I would never, ever help him financially and I make him pay for his share of everything.
I guess I'm just ranting or venting right now. My sister's husband was/is an alcoholic - they've been married for almost 35 years. Now I understand what she must have gone through all these years. Then he had a back injury, got hooked on pain pills, she weaned him from those, and he just started drinking again.
As for dumping/hiding the booze - it does work a little. Unless he's really drunk & thinking that he can just drive to the store for more, he does hold off on drinking. But on the flip side, I think that it also causes him to buy more when he does go to the store and then just hides bottles around the house. So if I find one, he still has another somewhere else.
I've never believed in feeling sorry for people - I think it's insulting to the other person. But this is definitely different. I see the struggle that he goes through - wanting to quit but then having this uncontrollable urge. He hates himself when he drinks - he even tells me that. He calls me and tells me that he is so pathetic for being drunk again.
