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I am having a very difficult time with my ex-AH and his behavior regarding visitation with our 5 yr old daughter and the legal system. Basically to make a long story short we divorced after an extremely nasty proceeding in which he accused me of many terrible things like drug addiction, being a violent threat to our child etc. He dropped all those charges in exchange for me aqgreeing to his version of the division of property. However now 3 yrs later everytime we have a disaggreement whether it be about our daughter's health, school or who should pay for what. He resorts back to spinning this web of lies about my character and abilities as a parent.
Most recently I filed for mediation so that we could get a court ordered visitation schedule that would work for all parties involved. Understand that this mediator was only there to help us come to an agreement regarding visitation times. He spent most of the hour calling me unfit and saying I had no values and that I was a horrible mother and I did not deserve to have any evenings with our daughter etc. On the advice of an al-anon friend who is also an attorney I said nothing. I did not take the bait he was tossing at me. We left with an agreement that neither of us were really happy with but that is a compromise right? So I then had to spend another $350 to have documents prepared to change the child support obligation. Please note that I am only receiving $22.57 a week currently and the changes in visitation that affect the child support have been this way for a long time. I filed the paperwork with the court last week but he does not know that yet because I have not served him his copy. I am waiting to hear from the court so I do not have to deal with his attitude in the meantime.
Yesterday he handed me a copy of a letter he sent to the conciliation services(mediation) saying he is now refusing to accept the agreed upon visitation schedule. He states that I am an unfit mother and I need parenting classes and counseling so that I can learn to get along with him? Is this crazy or is it just me? He wants us to go to counseling together? Why on earth would I do that? Also you do not have to say why you do not want to to agree with the mediation results. You have 3 weeks to say you changed your mind. So why take all that time to say all these mean and untrue things about me? He says I use our daughter as a pawn because I had her give her dad the envelope for lunch money. He has not paid for his half of her lunches ($40 a month) since August. I am broke and I am tired of footing all the bills. Even if the new child support went through it is only about $320 a month. Barely enough to pay for her food and clothing.
Anyways I have one more issue. He refuses to stay out of my home. I have told him repeatedly he is not to come inside. It only causes more unpleasantness. Last night after giving me that letter he asked to come in and use the bathrom. My mother let him in! How do I hold that boundary when I really do not want to talk to him at all??? I told my mom if she lets him in again I am selling our house and moving to a place where I can control the situation better.
Sorry this is so long and detailed but I am at my wits end again!
I am so sorry for all of this frustration you are going through. I fortunately did not have these problems w/ my ex so I really have no words of wisdom for you. I can offer you support and encouragement that you are doing the right thing in protecting you and your daughter. Understanding that he is angry & bitter and without program goes a long way in how you act around him. By not reacting to his rants you are showing those that matter that he is the one who is unstable. I wish you luck with your situation.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
For one it would behoove you to clear things up with Mommy Dearest exactly what the state of affairs are and what your boundries are. If he's not allowed in the house, tell her so. If letting him in the house will cause consequences, tell her so. Example: "Mother, the next time you let him in the house, I will call the police and ask them to take you and him away." Laugh if you want, but you get the idea.
For another thing, hell, go to counceling. Go for you. A councelor would give you some idea on how to get your ducks in a row and get your life organized, if for no other reason than to keep your self esteem up, keep your self respect, and keep the focus on your child. Some of his suggestions are out from left field only because they're from him: go to parenting classes? Sure, why not. It'll show the court that you're willing to go to any lengths to protect your daughter from a dysfunctional home. Go to court ordered divorce counceling? Sure, why not. It'll show the court that you want a somewhat functional relationship with the father; it'll show the court you understand what it means to be comfortable with discomfort. And, lets face it, because you already know it: alot of surviving divorce is keeping up appearances.
Lastly, there is a step up from mediation and I can't remember what it is. Mediators can only make recommendations where you take them or leave them. But the next level up from mediators you have no option--their word is law. If things are getting so hairy that it's getting to the point that your daughter's getting screwed, perhaps it's time to take out the big guns. And before you go on about the money: most legal institutions have policies that allow for payment plans, paying in increments, and such things. How badly do you want a stable, serene life for you and your daughter?
I haven't had to do any of that yet but adding a prayer for you and your daughter.
Just an observation...
I assume you are not a drug addict, or a violent threat to your child... and just him running around saying that does not make it true. All the blasts of "get her into therapy so she can get along with me..." is just what my hysterical wife keeps saying. She has to know that is just a load of bull, that absolutely HAS to be the disease talking.
Remember what Tom tells everyone... "They're either going to ______, or not. What are you going to do?"
You can't control what he does or says, and it sounds like you have a plan for what you are going to do. You are no more crazy than I am... (guess I could have given you more credit than that... LOL)
Just keep right on doing what you know is right. We have your back!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
How invasive. It sounds like your mother does not understand how important the boundaries are to you.
I think it is very hard to deal with when the A spreads rumors,lies and slander about us.
I'm sure there are plenty of people here who can tell you how they managed the child support issue. I do know I deal with someone an A who thinks he can demand and demand and demand and at the same time demean me. Pretty paralyzing stuff.
I have had to learn to not care what he thinks and not worry about what his next plan is.
Obviously you have suceeded in refuting many of the A's suggestions that you are anything he accuses you of. Nevertheless I imagine its pretty hard to know that he continues to exist in such a negative frame. I think many A's exist in that frame of being the "victim". You don't have to be one too although of course it isn't easy to choose that route.
I just wanted to drop in and give y0u a hug. While my daughter was still a minor, I would have pick up and drop off away from my home. This was because my ex always wanted in this house, sadly 5 years later this is still an issue. Most recently he would work on having the kids let him in. I got angry with my children, but then thought about it...pretty hard for them to enforce my boundries...
I quit listening to the bad mouthing...I am a crazy nut job according to him too...LOL That is ok anymore because I might be a crazy nut job...but with alanon I am a happy one!!
I always thought my ex wanted me back so dragging out the divorce and fighting about the kids and all of his other stunts were away to get my attention focused on him...UGH!!!
Sorry I don't have a quick fix for any of the things in your post, I just wanted to let you know I do understand and relate..
As far as I know he can "say" anything he wants about you. Without proof and documentation it means nothing. At any given time if you have the opportunity, blind him with butt and don't listen. If he isn't payng what he's supposed to and it's court ordered, he is in contempt. If it's just an agreement between the two of you then there's not much you can do.
Mom needs to understand your boundaries completely...Who owns the house? Tell X you don't want him inside. If he comes in you can call police so it is on record. Keep a record of what he has not paid. Keep records of everything, the extra money you spend on daughter to make up for him etc. You never know when documentation will save your butt.
take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks so much for all of your kind words. I just needed some support here. This is very hard to deal with and it has been going on for months. rtexas...no I am not a violent threat to anyone but my ex at the moment! I have only a few Rx from my doctor for stress. Other than that I will pee anytime to prove I am clean. As far as unfit...well if he would not talk about sensitive issues in front of our daughter than maybe I would not have to explain it to her after the yelling stops. I do everything I can to avoid contact with him. But he is an idiot and just keeps on coming in like he is my friend or something.
I did email the ex and told him to stay out. But this is like the 20th time! He keeps trying to inch his way back into my life and I won't have it. I also got mad at mom and my daughter for inviting him in. But it is my home and it is my boundary. My mother could not ever say no to a man. She is old school. But she may soon find her butt in a nursing home or alone in an teeny apartment. I have a right to my serenity too.
There is no court ordered counseling for divorced couples. He did not even ask the court he asked the mediator! What does the mediator care except that he is refusing to compromise. Besides he would not go to marriage counseling why should I go and pay for counseling I do not need? We will never agree and we will never get along. He is just trying to get me to bite...then he says.....look see I told you she was unstable!
I have my own counselor and I have already attended the parenting class. What he doesn't yet realize is if we go before the judge which is now certainly going to happen. We will both have to attend the parenting class again. That is AZ law.
IN NC, you can opt out of mediation for custody/visitation if the other parent is an alcoholic or abusive. I don't have to give him any custody or visitation and as much as I want him to see his kids, I don't think he is in a position to do anything with them right now. Also, I have been letting him come here to be nice so he could see them and look where tha's gotten me... I'm thru being nice! Also, with the BS accusations, the court will appoint a GAL to determine who is telling the truth and if you are you have NO WORRIES!! Just the fact that he is an A will go against him!
