The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"Sometimes the choices I make are not as important as the fact that I make them." Hope for Today, pg. 341
((((Everyone))))
At my F2F meeting this was read, we were discussing the 11th step. It was an important meeting for me -- the day before I went to the Attorney's office. I was blown away at how this meeting went and how it applied to me, the 11th step -- praying only for the knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out -- it's all I seem to want. The above quote made me cry, because I had made a decision, not sure if that's exactly what HP wanted me to do but my motives were/are good. Taking care of myself and my children, stepping out of the disease and putting us first, it all seemed right -- still does. I'm so confused.
So I made the appointment, patiently waited for almost an hour and this is what I got. "There are three types of people I don't like to work with Alcoholics--they don't think straight, two, abusers and three Engineers because they are too exact at splitting things." Now, everything was going along fairly well and I didn't mention my husband was an A until half way thru our meeting. Then everything stopped. I was left with "try mediation, placate your husband and it will give him the power he thinks he has." period. That was it. I had already told this attorney that my A wouldn't deal w/ a lawyer and it was up to me to start things. I finally said at the end, so if he won't do this then what, their response "Then it will be up to the man upstairs and the man in the robe." AUGH. I paid my money and left with nothing.
I'm sorry, I've walked this road, I know my house is built on sand. My A is a high functioning controling person. And he controls us by controling our income. All I wanted was to have something on paper so I knew where I stood, something that I could count on ( which I think is almost laughable because he could at any time lose his job.) This was a big stretch for me, to do this. I know that by stepping out of what my A wants and doing what is best for me, there would be waves. I was as ready as I could have been -- and here I was told basicly to keep doing what you are doing. I just don't understand.
So tonight was my A's night to visit w/ the kids, I hadn't talked to him in 3 days, neither have the kids. He comes in tells me he's put extra $ in the bank, gives me an expense check to apply to what he put on the credit card (which he's never done) and then runs out to the store for me because I was short an item to make dinner. He's planning on picking the kids up Sat and taking them to swim and then out afterwards -- It's almost as if I have this fantastic person in my life, almost.
My A even asked me about a ring I was wearing on my ring finger ( I had taken my wedding band off about a yr ago. -- it just felt like such a lie to wear it, though it also feels like a lie not to wear it since I'm still married.) He say, you'd ask me too if I wore a ring on that hand all of a sudden. The thing is I didn't even really notice that I was wearing it on that hand. I just put it on, and I don't normally wear jewelry. Why does he care?? Does he care?
I sit here and I think, what is it that HP wants me to do. It's not like I have the money to be tossing about trying to find a lawyer that will take me. Geeze I remember once someone saying "Oh, you have the good A." I thought What?? what is a good A? I have the multi-personality A, and I'm tired, I'm just tired. I don't want to try to figure this out anymore. I just want to have some peace. This weirdness has got to stop....can I make it stop LOL.
Some parts of me are so angry, crap -- this wasn't an easy thing to do and just to walk out of there more confused than when I walked in. Then w/ my A being so great this evening I start thinking "well maybe." But that's been the fantasy that I've been trying to step out of. I'm so confused.
Now would be the time to ask HP for a burning bush... if only He worked that way.
Okay, now that I've gotten that part outta the way....
What the lawyer said to you was crap. I know that we are not supposed to give advice, and, dear Luna, you know how to reach me to shoot me if you don't like what I say. So here goes:
Tomorrow, call the lawyer's office. Ask the secretary who he sees--who does that lawyer that you saw see when he needs any legal things done? Write down the number. Write down the fees.
But Tiger, you say, what if the secretary doesn't budge? What if she gives me a "non answer?"
Ask for a referral within the practice--a partner; an associate; an anyone! I don't care if it's Mother Theresa re incarnated. And do the same thing. Write down the number. Write down the fees. Start making phone calls.
I am a surgeons daughter. And I know from personal experience, that professionals at this level, getting paid this much , are obligated that if they refuse you service on any grounds, they need to tell you who will serve you. Period. End of Quote. OMG Luna, I'm so pissed off and I'm not even fighting your case.
I wonder at times if income is the sole thing the A can control. My A was so angry last week that he left for 5 days, he called me asked if I had spent any of the money he deposited two days before. When I told him yes I wrote a check at the grocery store he said "well you better figure something out because I am taking that money out of the bank account. I swore right then this will never happen again. When he puts money in the account on payday, I will transfer the money to my account (which he does not know exists) the next day so I am able to pay the bills. I no longer trust that the money will stay in the joint account. I have days when I think all will be fine. Tonight instead of him stopping at the bar he came home because he said I have been so down. When I explained what was going on, which had nothing to do with him or his behavior, he sat there quietly. When I asked why he wasn't saying anything he said he is learning how to listen to what I was saying....but he still didn't look at the bills or tell me everything would be okay....I will take charge. I found a job, and am looking on my time off for something better. I can be in control of my own life. Hang in there, be gentle with yourself.
I'm sorry your meeting with that lawyer did not go well. I have been amazed at how some professional people have treated me over the past few months. I contacted a legal aid clinic, not only are thier fees much more reasonable, everyone there also seems to have some empathy or experience in living with an active addict/alcoholic. Even when they needed to refer me out of their office, the lawyer I met with on the financial problems I have was accepting of my situation and extremely helpful. There are good ones out there who truly want to help.
You wrote about not wearing your wedding ring. I took mine off 2 years ago, after some items were missing .. pawned, I put it on my husband's keyring and told him to pawn that next time he felt the need to. When he gave it back months later I could never put it on again, it felt like a lie. Not wearing it felt wrong too. Strange how a little piece of metal can take on such meaning to me.
I am so sorry for your lawyer struggles/troubles. I have found that where there are bad lawyers and doctors--I seem to find them all! I hope you can continue to look around--first consultations are free many times, or maybe legal aid will have someone who is good for you.
I do wish you all the luck!!! You are in my prayers!
We run into lots of blind alleys along the way. The key is resilience. I know getting out of the A's way is hard stuff. One minute they are fine the next obnoxious. Carving out a life for ourselves can be hard.
It's the crazy cycle of dealing with addiction....I so understand the needing some peace....and about the ring...even though you are married on paper are you married in you heart????? I no longer wear mine either....been a long time for me....what the hell...the a's put the addiction first us last....and that is just a simple fact....
Take care of you hon, don't let him con you ...... they are great at that...
Okay, now that I've gotten that part outta the way....
OMG Luna, I'm so pissed off and I'm not even fighting your case.