The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Had a really great day today, for no apparent reason! Enjoyed and appreciated it just the same!
The A called and left messages twice. I called him back. Someone had told him that I had been in town all week (I was there for a few hours Mon.). I have a good idea who that was. He also knew who I was with that day-though he had heard I'd been with them all week. I apologized about blowing up at him. He was good with that. He apologized to me for misleading me. He then gave me the lecture about how I have to get over him, he's a drunk, has nothing to offer anyone, and there are tons of great guys out there who would be so much better for me if I would just get over him. He said he is not with anyone and does not want to be with anyone. He is working on him. He calls me from a blocked # even though he's on his cell. He does not want me to know where he is. Told me he is bouncing between here and there. I did not tell him that I knew he went back to his apt. He did not tell me he was back at his apt. Said he does not want me waiting for him because he may never be there. I told him how I feel and that I am not a child. My feelings are real and they are what they are. He said he doesn't want to see me wasting my time. I asked him if we could still stay in contact and he said he would call me, but he needs to work on him and doesn't want to be around people. I told him I always enjoy talking to him. He said he would call me, but all of his calls will show up blocked. I told him he'd better leave a message so I know it's him. I told him I'm bouncing for the moment too, and where I am moving and why. He thought it was a really good idea and then didn't seem too interested in the lecture anymore. I asked him if I could talk to him about some things sometime and he said he has no use for talks, they go nowhere and it is all bs. Told me he is not even supposed to even think about relationships for a year. Told me if he did come to me talking about one not to listen because he would be drunk. I told him he's told me the same things drunk and sober and he told me that apparently I shouldn't listen to anything he says. I asked him if it was ok if I called him once in awhile. He said if he saw my # he would pick up.
That's that. I guess we're friends?
I'm still having doubts and fears and looking for motives, but I'm pushing them aside and didn't mention any of them. I just keep pushing them out of my head. Is that okay to do? Are they all going to pile up and come out at once later on? I'm aware of them. I know I don't need them. I can keep my mouth shut about them. But then what do I do w/ them?
I'm really bothered about why he went back there. Typical thoughts-it's easy to drink there, he is still interested in the ex, blah blah blah. Maybe he just needs space of his own. He's never really had that.
: ) I found a possible positive there-he may need space of his own.
Anyways, I'm still in a good mood, but with some sort of undertone that I can't quite describe. The undertone isn't comfortable. I guess that doesn't make it bad.
Is it okay for me to be friends with him? Even though we both know how I feel?
I think it is pretty normal to want to be friends with the A. After all at some point there was an attraction. I also think there are times when they can hear what we have to say, the resentments the issues and more. I do not think they are in the disease 24/7.
I also think that there is a balance. I do not have balance with the A. He can try to convince me at certain points he is going to be reasonable then he is right back in his diseae again. Then he is total self absorption there is no room for anything but him and his needs, or rather this grandiose fantasy needs because they are all about him and his issues.
I also think it is totally the norm for the A to triangulate. They do that very very well. Somehow it seems they can give to others very very freely. I think that is an A trait and it has to be named as that. I think they play it as a way to create an illusion that its something about you. I do know its not about me. A willing partner would be willing to deal with issues. An active A is not a willing partner they are a player.
When I met the A he was the one who was gungho to be in a relationship. He was the one who was lonely the one who wanted me. I think now that was all an act to get me to a certain place to get me to a place of commitment when he could reveal his addiction in safety.
I was tremendously over committed to him for years. I tend to be over committed in all kinds of relationships. I have had to learn to pull back, detach and reflect. I would urge you to think what kind of friendships do you want. I think it is fine to be on friendly terms with A's but for those of us who are codependent what does that mean. My loyalty towards dysfunctional people is incredible. For me at times it has been almost deadly and I have had to learn to start being most loyal and loving to myself and then to others afterwards. I know I like to give love compassion and understanding but somehow I'm last on the list of the giving and I tend to give it all away and have none for myself.
