hello Alberta rose , key word to me in your post was   * while * he was drinking. That was then this is now , sounds like your both doing the right things  AA and Al-Anon .  I was told to not miss the good days by worrying abot what  ( could ) happen tomorrow.

Sobriety is difficult I know but for me it was learning to trust myself and the God of my understanding . what my husb agenda was , was his problem not mine. so I look after me  go to meetings read the litetature enjoy the day  and regardless of what he does I know I will be okay.

I am assuming you are talking about fidelity , if he says he didn't believe him .  don't go looking for trouble = trust is earned and his actions will tell u what u need to know.

And again promises made when drinking are fruitless , they simply cannot deliever. but he is sober so relax and enjoy!!!!!

Albertarose,

I know just where you are coming from, and I have been struggling with a similar issue.  When these thoughts pop up in my head, I have to remind myself that even if something did happen, I cannot change it.  Then I have to ask myself if it would change my feelings for him.  The answer is always no, it wouldn't. In the end, I remind myself what I realized a long time ago--that my husband was no longer himself, he had been taken over by alcohol.  His values were being run by his illness, and forgiving his behaviors while drinking is the best thing I can do for myself right now.  I am not saying that I shouldn't know the truth--I have a right to know--just that I have to try to let this process work.  When we are ready, I hope to have some marital counseling, where all of this can be worked out with a trained professional, because I know that attempting to work on in without help will only have negative results. ( I am a throw in everything but the kitchen sink fighter)

Hope that helps

 

((Albertarose)),

This is how I take the trust issue - Please take what you like & leave the rest - This is how I get through living with a recovery alcoholic/addict . . .

For me, it was not so much as learning to trust my A as much as it was learning to trust my HP again - Everyone finds out what we need to know when we need to know it - if my A is not keeping his promises, I truly believe that my HP will reveal that to me at the time I need to know it.

I know that it is dangerous to get caught up in the "What if's", but for me, sometimes I had to look at the "what if's" so that I could name the fear to be able to work through it - My worse fear was that my AH would relapse, I would be alone, & financially broke.  Well - That's where I was 3 1/2 yrs ago, when we seperated & he went into rehab - My HP got me through that & if it happens again - He will somehow help me through it again.

So, I take it one day at a time - I have a Plan B - even thought we are back together - I have a seperate bank account with a little money in it if I ever have to leave, I have a couple of friends that I can call at any time if I need a place to say, I have an emergency credit card - this Plan didn't come together immediately - I just started working on it - A safety net, a Plan B if sobriety doesn't work in our lives.

So, do I have that blind trust? - no, but I don't search the house for drugs/alcohol or anything else anymore - I just try to trust in my HP & that I will know what I need to know when I need to know it and when all else fails, when the peace won't come - say the Serenity Prayer a lot, post on MIP & call my sponsor!!

Hope this helps - Give yourself time - recovery is a process for you just as it is for your A.

Just my e, s, & h,

Rita

 

Hi Albertarose

Whenever I find myself starting to let those perceived "past issues" start running in my head I have to stop and remind myself that there is not one darn thing I can do to change the past. The past is so best left where it is. I know this is not an easy thing to do, to quiet the mind when it starts wandering into those dark places but by just becoming aware that it is MY choice to do it or not to do it, I have found a lot of relief. I just "change the channel" the best I can. Get out some literature and read. Call a program friend or just get out and go for a walk.

As to the trust issue. I trusted my ex-wife completely. I never doubted her loyalty to me or to our marriage. Sadly, I learned that it is not safe to ever put complete trust in another human being. We are raised to think when we get married we will be with someone we can trust with ultimate blind trust, or at least I was. But, for me at least, that has changed. What I mean by this is simply, that during my marriage I would have these feelings pop up, messages from inside that might be throwing up a warning flag at me, but I would choose to ignore them. Stuff them down and deny I had ever even seen or felt them. I am learning to listen to those inner voices now. They may not always be right, but they are worthy of a good listen at least!

The only Blind trust I possess anymore, if there is any such thing, is that trust I have in my HP whom I call God.

People are imperfect beings. We all make mistakes.

All that said, I am still an extremely trusting person and I trust people until they give me a reason not too. People who have done untrustworthy things to me in the past, that I still choose to associate with get a clean slate to start over with every time, just as I hope I get with them. I trust them til they prove untrustworthy again.

For me its a choice. If I am still going to associate with someone as a spouse, friend..whatever, I am going to take them at their word, while being ever mindful of watching their actions too. The rest is up to me. Take what I like or leave it!