The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel so terrrible today. It is as if My A son is lost in the wilderness, in a big fog and I can't reach him.
I know I am doing the right thing for me and my husband and my A son. He has plans for abandoning everything except his dog and going to Florida. He is selling his car that is registered to my H so we can have the plates back. I don't know if he is drinking. He is a binge drinker so he might be sober, or perhaps not. I am offering nothing-money advise help. I am 100% sure that that is right thing to do, but I am hurting so. I want to grab him up, and lock him in a room until his brain is restored. Other times I feel like a big bomb is about to fall on me and it makes it hard to do what I need to do for me and the rest of my family.
I am going to f2f and coming here and talking to a good friend who has been there, but I am still so afraid.
Heard in an AA lead: "When I came home from that thing that I called my 'job,' there were my bags, packed on the front porch. There was my mom, standing there, phone in her hand. She said that I was leaving, I wasn't coming back, and here was my stuff. And if I caused any problems, she had the cops on speed dial, and had no problems about calling them. What that woman did was the hardest, the bravest, and the best thing that she could have ever done--she sacrificed me so that the rest of the family could have some sort of normal life. She let me go suffer so that when I was totally ready to quit living that way, I would do right and stop screwing up. "
Of course you're hurting. Of course you feel guilt ridden. You're not performing your accustomed to role in this dysfunction--you're not rescuing, fixing, manipulating or anything else; you're changing! It's uncomfortable to change! Pat yourself on the back. Be extra nice to yourself. Do something extra loving to yourself. Because you are doing God's will, not yours, you are realizing how uncertain it can be to do the next right thing sometimes.
I plead with you, keep coming back! Don't quit now! Call your sponsor; do step work; pray. But, of all the times to run, this ain't it! Many people say that these were the times when AA meetings helped in addition
laurab, I know the pain you have. I went to a counselor last winter when things started to fall apart so badly for my son, his marriage, etc. I was terribly uncomfortable with the counselor because he told me things I did not want to hear and things I did not want to do. Actually, I am that kind of person. I went there expecting to be in control of the session like I have always controlled everything in my life, my husband's life, and tried with my son. Anyway, this counselor made me quite angry actually; had I followed his advice I probably wouldn't be in the situation I am right now. But that is another story. The point I want to pass on to you is the one huge thing that stuck with me from the session and still does. The counselor said this as we ended: "Never stand in the way of God's chastisement. Your son's HP is working with him. He may have to suffer. Through that you will suffer. But don't stand in the way. Sometimes suffering is the only thing that will bring an A to the realization that things must change. So don't you, mom, stand in the way." Each time I decide to step in the make things more comfortable for my son, I hear that in my head. Usually I can back off and stay out of whatever the situation is. I try just to reassure my son that I love him but that he is the only one who can deal with himself and his problems. Hang in there. I think of you daily and the pain you are in and the change that is happening.
I am also seeing a counselor. 10 minutes into the first session he said I had to prepare myself for the worst. My son might very well die, or kill somelse with the car, or wind up crippled. It was quite a blow to hear this. I did a few sessions and then we switched to group therapy, same therapist, but a group of 6 or 7, all with life living issues. I find that very helpful. It's not just about me, yet there are similarities and it's good to be part of a group.
They do love to run off don't they? I think their plans generally tend to have a lot of holes in them personally. I think they are also sometimes manipulative too.
The A I live with is always talking about running off somewhere don't know where but it is his version of sulking and manipulating to get what he wants.
I think it is incredibly difficult not to take this kind of behavior personally. I think its also difficult not to live with an A and have a sense of impending doom. After all around every corner is a new crisis. It is pretty difficult to live with. When I gave up trying to control him it helped. When I realised yes he may end up dead, he may destroy himself, he may wind up in prison as hard as it was I faced it.
Unfortunately they do tend to take it out on those around them. Somehow they never seem to see the pain around them till they get sober. That is why going to an open AA meeting is sometimes helpful because one can see that the A cannot see anything much while they are using except their next "fix".
