The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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We are only having polite conversations in my home right now. I am trying not to have any expectations and this has helped reduce my daily disappointment regarding this state of living. Because we are in this state of limbo, I do not want to go to a wedding this weekend with him. It is not a family affair as it is for a friend of my AH. My reason is not because I fear that he will drink too since he only does this when no one else but my daughtrer and me would be affected. I don’t want to go because I see no point in going with a person who shows no concern for the unhappiness his action have caused. I really am struggling with this decision because I want to make sure that I am not really trying to control him or the situation. I want to be doing this for the right reasons. Any insights or self-reflecting questions anyone could suggest would greatly be appreciated.
If you feel you don't want to go for whatever reason, it is your choice. If someone showed me no remorse for unhappiness his actions caused me, I would see no reason to do what he wanted. He will do whatever he pleases anyway. You know this really.
I wonder why you feel you ought to go....are you worried about letting someone down? It's perfectably reasonable to decline an invitation.....
Well, for one thing, you could drive seperate cars. You could also say "I am going to spend X amount of time at the wedding. At this time, I will leave." Not when he starts to drink; not when he gets X amount drunk; no, after an hour into the reception, two hours.
Another thing is you could honestly make other plans. Have you checked the newspaper to see what community events are going on this weekend? What abuot in a neighboring town? If you're truly interested in not being involved in his self destruction, perhaps you might want to get involved in self re-construction. Join a book club; join a YMCA; don't look for excuses why you can't do something, and stand up and do it.
Recovery means doing what is best for you. If it makes you uncomfortable to go, then don't. I drew the line at going places that made me uncomfortable with my brother-in-law. Since my sister is in denial that he still gets high, I just say that I'm unavailable. Do what is best for you. Taking back your life is what recovery is all about.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Elizabeth M wrote: I don’t want to go because I see no point in going with a person who shows no concern for the unhappiness his action have caused.
This will not change as long as he is still drinking. When the alcohol is flowing, there is no growing.
Remember the Katrina flood in New Orleans. They couldn't start cleaning up until they pumped the water out. And there was no point in pumping the water out until they fixed the holes in the levies.
I stop going with my husband to all family affairs. His father is direspectful and touches me in appropriatley, makes rude comments to hurt me on purpose, ie comments about my weight and hair anything to make me uncomfortable. The family tolerates his borish behavior. I havn't been to his family's home in 3 years. I thought that I would feel guilty, his mom is nice to me. but I don't want to be around his family. I can see where the dysfuction comes from. I felt powerful in making the decision to not go somewhere where I don't want to go. Make the decision based on how you feel. My husband doesn't care about my feelings so I look out for myself. So my advise is do whats best for you and leave the guilt behind. Take back your life in ways that you can and be strong. Good luck and take care of you! Oh, I forgot to tell you I work every holiday just because I don't want the abuse, and I am alot happier about my decision. Let my husband go and deal with the idiots.
Elizabeth M wrote: We are only having polite conversations in my home right now. I am trying not to have any expectations and this has helped reduce my daily disappointment regarding this state of living. Because we are in this state of limbo, I do not want to go to a wedding this weekend with him. It is not a family affair as it is for a friend of my AH. My reason is not because I fear that he will drink too since he only does this when no one else but my daughtrer and me would be affected. I don’t want to go because I see no point in going with a person who shows no concern for the unhappiness his action have caused. I really am struggling with this decision because I want to make sure that I am not really trying to control him or the situation. I want to be doing this for the right reasons. Any insights or self-reflecting questions anyone could suggest would greatly be appreciated.
I don't know your story, whether you are trying to remain in the marriage and find serenity or have decided to split or just don't know. So I will share with you about my situation. I came to Al-Anon on the verge of divorce. I did not want one, but couldn't see life getting better. I was miserable. Like many or most of us, I had many many resentments, mostly about the way he treated me, etc. I would say to myself, why should I do for him when he isn't doing for me? Why should I reach out in a loving manner when he only ever pushes me away which caused me more hurt and pain? I built a wall around my heart, my emotions. I stopped reaching out. After some time in Al-Anon I was able to start looking at things a little more clearly. I was able to see that his way of showing love and care was by going to work, bringing home a paycheck, making sure we had a roof over our head, food on the table. That was one thing I had just always taken for granted "its a man's job", that kind of thinking. I began to look at myself and my own actions. To look at that wall I had built. We have the slogan "Let It Begin With Me". Well, I had to apply that slogan to my home life, to my marriage. I slowly began reaching out again. Sure, I got rebuffed at first. Sure, it hurt. But I persisted. Light touches, quick hugs. And over time, it worked. What I learned was, acting and being like him (the coldness, the aloofness) never made anything better. Acting and being the way I wanted to be treated myself, that did make things better. Of course, while there are many similarities in all our lives, there can be differences too. This is what worked for me. This is what helped improve my marriage, and he is still an active drinker. It may or may not work for you. Only you know that.
Wishing you enough, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I think sometimes for me this has to be a day by day decision. This year I am choosing this next holiday to work through it. That is my way to deal with it. I do not want to put in the huge effort to make dinner to see the A drunk. That is what I got last year. It is not enough.
The A I live with does not provide much else but chaos. His finances are always a disaster. he always has some reason for it. The only reason can be he is spending huge quantities on drugs.
We are all different in that respect. Sometimes we can come up with things that work for a while. Sometimes we can't. I respect that this is a very hard decision for you because for me personally the social stuff means that there is no "couple" there.
