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I am so disgusted. My 19 year old daughter got drunk (she's away at school) and basically got nasty and violent. When friends tried to calm her down, she hit one of them. The girl elbowed my daughter trying to get away from her, resulting in a swollen face/bruised face. Then she walked into the side of an open door.
I threw up. I cried. I took a shower and called her back. I told her calmly that I was sorry she chose to drink, that given her father's history it was a bad idea, told her to go to the hospital and get checked out and advised her to seek counseling. I did not go to the school. The next day she told me she was not coming home for Thanksgiving, I told her that it was her choice but she would be welcome if she changed her mind. I did not ask her why. I told her she would be responsible for the co pays for the hospital and the emergency room fee. I think that shocked her. It will be about $300.00.
Today she called and said she made an appointment for a counseling session and she would be coming home for Thanksgiving.
I have never had a day of "real trouble" with her before, I am hoping it was a bad judgement call. I'm hoping her anger is b/c she just broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years. I'm just hoping this isn't the writing on the wall.
I thank God and all of you and all the brave souls in Al-Anon who share their stories, believe me two years ago I would have been running to her side blaming everyone else including me for her decision to get drunk and fixing it all. Believe me, when you share, it helps someone. Although you may not ever know it.
I'm sorry you had to go through this but you sound very strong and like you handled the situation with grace and detachment. Good for you. Keep us posted. We're here if you need us.
p.s. I too am so grateful. We really are blessed with helping one another.
You did wonderfully! Sounds like, from what you said, this is the first time something like this has happened with your daughter. What a great getting off on the right foot! Letting her know she is responsible for her own actions...AND that you still love and care for her!
Wow! What a super job! You are making sure she knows she is responsible for her actions! You still let her know you loved her! What a great mom!!!! Keep up the hard yet wonderful work!
I think on the one hand it's "normal" to some extent to experiment when one is away at college, but on the other hand it sounds like your daughter is in alot of pain. I think also, at least for me I know this is true, no one really was able to put into words hands down how difficult college was. It really wasn't until my 2nd year (if even) that I started to feel good about being in higher education--I was like "Should I be in a sorority?" "Should I be in this major?" "Should I be in this school?" For the first time I was making major decisions by myself and it was incredibly lonely.
I also think, if your daughter's school is sceduled around quarters like mine is, theres a certain relief that comes with this time of year: I've gotten the major "stuff" outta the way, I'm back in the swing of things, with my friends, with my professors, and I'll be okay now. And now that I'm back into the program....we break for Christmas. For over a month. So again, there's alot of confusion, ups and downs. I also know for me this quarter was very different than my other quarters because I wasn't doing as many of my "major" classes as I did last year--I've taken care of many of those, so I've been outta the loop on alot of big events within the department. And if your daughter has any similiarites to me, there's always a feeling whenever you're not involved in the intimates of the department of being "the outsider."
And of course, I think parents forget this, I know people who've been away from school forget this, but college is work. College is alot of hard work. It's a combination of butt kissing/butt kicking/getting your own butt kicked/and paying people to kick your butt for you. Right there that's a hard concept. So throw in the lab fees for a biology major; throw in the book costs for a literature major; throw in the computer fees for an engeneering major, PLUS the tuition, room, board, whatever, these things just add up to the stress. I know as a drama major it was a huge shock to my system to see that I was charged a pretty penny per term to use the stage for my classes, the dance halls for my classes, PLUS I had to buy the shoes for my dance classes, the scripts for my acting classes, the books for my rhetoric classes....
So, in sum, I applaud your assertiveness with your daughter. But I also hope you'll cut her a little slack. I can see very easily where she might have had a break down and didn't mention it. I can see also where she felt alone and needed to be "in."
my daughter has fought alcoholism throughout her college years. very difficult place to be when you're suffering with addiction issues. she found resources for counseling and aa meetings on her campus, but found it hard to stay sober - too many opportunities and wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too much peer pressure. her friends basically dumped her when she tried to abstain. she was very lonely and angry. and would party again, just to be "in the crowd." college students cannot expect to get support from their roommates, friends, etc - they all have their "own problems"?
she did not go back to her campus this fall. it was her decision, and a smart one in my opinion.
i hope your daughter can find the support she needs on her campus through the counseling center, health services, etc. if not, she may need to consider another college plan?
I am soo sorry to hear about your daughter...Just know you are doing the right thing by not going to her aide. I believe you are truly a strong person. Keep coming back!!!!
Lauren
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~life is like a box of chocolates you never know whatcha gonna get~
Good for you evey! It's hard to do the right thing sometimes, especially when it comes to our kids. We love them so much, that sometimes we think that helping them, by bailing them out of problems, giving them money etc., they will appreciate it and learn from it. We've learned from our own experience that is so wrong. When are kids are made to be accountable for their choices, and behaviors, that is when they truly learn. We have spent the past 2 years dealing with our 20 year old son's addiction. Making him move out of the house was the best thing we could've done for him, along with the Teen Challenge program he was involved with. God has changed his life, and he's realizing what it means to be responsible for his needs. He knows he has to solve his own problems, he can't come to us to rescue him. As hard as it initially was, we are experiencing peace like never before. We no longer dread weekends, because he doesn't live here. He is holding down a full-time job, paying his bills, and keeps in touch, stopping by regularly to visit. He's changed his friends, and goes to Church several times a week. We don't ask questions anymore, he just willingly shares. We have much hope for his future.....but are not blind to the fact he could stumble, although we pray it doesnt' happen. God has seen us through a very tough time, and we are so blessed. I will pray for your daughter that she can get the help she needs. College is such a hard time for a kid with addiction problems.....my son would not and did not survive it. Take care and God Bless....
