The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I posted recently my hubby just got back from Alaska on Wednesday. We had a great week together. I was able to see how charming he is, how attentive he is, and remembered why it is that I am so in love with him.
Tonight he called to see when I would be home so that he could have dinner waiting. I got that weird feeling in the back of my head, because I am normally home at the same time depending on traffic. But I pushed the feeling down and said about 5 minutes because I had just got the kids.
When I got home and saw that the table was only set for four of us, again the bad feeling came up, and again I pushed it down. He said he wasn't hungry and didn't feel like eating. Then I looked at him and saw the same old red tint to his eyes that I have come to dislike so much. He was stoned. And I tried to hide the disapointment, the hurt, and the fear. I don't think I did very well. I didn't say anything, but he could read it on my face.
I love this man so much, and it pisses me off that love isn't enough to fix this. I know that he needs to choose recovery, and I can't make that happen.
I am scared. I am so scared that he is going to kill himslef. He sunk so low last time that I thought he was dead at one point because he took off and was gone for 3 days. He hadn't done that in years. I don't want to watch him die. I can't watch him die.
I think I hear HP telling me that it is time to let him go, really let him go. I have been praying about this ever since hubby went out tonight. I don't know if this is HP talking or the anger talking.
I know I don't have to make a decission tonight, I know that I need to think and really listen to what HP is saying. I know that if I hang with all that I have on to him, he will drag me down with him. God that hurts so much. So I have been really working on just loving him.
This disease is so hurtful, I have watched steal my hubby for years. I hope he reaches his bottom soon and that is doesn't kill him
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Well, as the old timers of al anon say "Moving out is not signing the divorce papers. It's moving out."
And like I've told many another woman, I have never heard an AA lead that goes "And when she let me back into the house, I realized I was shuch a dumb but...."
I cannot count how many leads go "And when she threw me out/When she packed up the kids and left, I realized I had to get sober...."
I am so sorry, and know exactly how you feel. It used to be that every once in a while the disease would pop it's ugly head up. Today I only see my AW for herself every once in a while. The pain of realizing that is so intense, it's unreal.
You are in my prayers my dear.
Take care of you and those kiddo's. His HP is likely trying to have a talk with hubby right now. I will pray he hears ....
Love in recovery - r
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
My heart breaks for you and your hubby. It is so hard to watch them destroy themselves. The choice to let them go was the most painful thing I ever did. I kept asking myself: "If he had cancer, would I cut him loose?" Of course not. But then again, cancer patients don't do things to make situations unsafe. I had to remind myself that this wasn't about not loving him. It was about doing what was right for me. There is a small part of me that will always fill guilty about doing it. But I am glad I did it. It gave me a strength I never knew that I had. He did get better, and my the Miracle did happen. I know now that should his addiction overtake him again (knock on wood), that I would be able to do the same thing again. I will keep both of you in my prayers. May you find the answers you are looking for.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I pray for you and your husband to both hear HP's direction for your lives and learn to walk it. May HP pour out his wisdom on you as you walk this difficult road of recovery. Just know you are so cared about and we are here for you.
I can so relate to that feeling of being disappointed and angry when they are doing so well and then all of a sudden they feel like getting high. Just something that comes over them they cannot resist. It is a hurtful disease especially when you watch someone you love suffer because of it. I agree easy does it. I know when I'm angry I'm quick to make rash decesions, but then I calm down and get my wits about me and usually its that old pattern of reacting instead of thinking calmly about the situation and then responding. At that moment program tools fly out the window. It takes me doing something different to relax and get connected to HP. Sounds like you are giving yourself that time you need to make the next right choice for you. That plan B is so important, you may not choose to use it now and its going to be o.k. if you don't. If you can detach with love and nurture you and the kids, while the A is sorting out what his next choice is, you may get some of that joy back for you. Hang in there, we are all here for you.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
It is so very hard to watch the ones we love self-destruct in front of us. I found for me that keeping busy and staying focused on me. I gave my pain away to the meetings and this board so I didnt have to carry with me all the time. I had help to carry it - a lot of extra shoulders helped me to live my life one day at a time and at those really bad times it was one minute at a time. It still hurt to watch what my husband was doing - but I had the choice to sit around and watch it or get busy. When I stopped paying attention to him he took notice and things changed all around. He has had a few one day relapses in his sobriety and they were horrible - but they were his choices and they didnt reflect on me. I dont like the way he works his program but that is not for me to say to him. And I have to remind myself that Just for Today he is sober and that I have a program.
Karen
__________________
Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
I am so sorry for your pain... it is almost unbearable to be let down again, but remember, it is not personal. He has a disease, he cannot place anything else first. It is such a harsh reality, and heartbreaking when they seem to be doing so well.
Just know that we are all here for you and you deserve happiness and serenity...
I am so sorry for your pain. I hated seeing those red eyes and in my case the burnt eyelashes. It was just another sucker punch to my gut! I know he wasn't doing it to hurt me, but it did!! I hope you just keep taking it a day at a time. Your HP will show you what he wants you to do. We are here.
I'm really sorry that you are having to go through this. Hang in there. Keep the focus on you and listen to your HP. Remember courage to change the things I can....though easier said than done. A big hug to you - we love you, keep pouring out what you need to here, we are here for you!
(((())) Mandy I have been reading all your posts and I know how much it meant to you when your husband got his life back on track again and went to Alaska. Just one small thing he may have slipped up but you haven't, you are still the same strong amazing girl who got this far and whatever plan HP has for you I know you will have the strength to get through it. Just remember one day at a time and your decision for today is I don't have to make any decisions. Luv Leo xx
