The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
2 days ago my A son decided to move to Florida, new place, new friends etc. He will take his dog and some stuff and drive from NY. He has a sober friend he can stay with till he gets settled. He has been driving without a license for months.
The Problem: His car is registered to my husband and the insurance is in my husband's name. My son owns the car. Today an upaid parking ticket came in the mail and my husband blew a fit and says no car registered in his name is going to Florida. My son should sell the car, fly, crate the dog and fly him too and find a way to get and register a car in Florida.
I am torn to bits. I want my son to go to Florida and make a new start. I know my H is right, but as usual I am scared that if my son doesn't get what he thinks he needs, something terrible will happen.
I would let him drive to Florida with the understanding that he has to find another way to register and send the plates back in 4 weeks. My H says no.
I can't stand the anxiety. My H feels that if something happens to the car or a person, our insurance wil go sky high. I just want him to get to FLorida because he is at a dead end here. He blew away his good job.
I would have my son rent a u-haul and just drop it off when he gets there. I would even pay for it if he did not have any money rather than going against your hubby on this. My h would do the same thing...I am sure of that. If something would happen you would be even more upset about letting him do it.
Ok - now, I know we want to help our adult children, especially when we see a chance for them to be around people in recovery, but there is recovery in NY as well as there is in Florida. The AA Big Book talks about geographical changes to try to solve spiritual problems (that is not a direct quote - I'm just quoting from what I've previously read - I'm sure someone with time in that program could give you more info on that.)
You said that it's your son's car, but it's registered & insured in your husband's name, sounds like maybe it's between the two of them - As much as we would love to be a moderator between our loved ones, sometimes we have to step aside and let them work out their problems among each other.
As a parent, we so want to fix things, but maybe pray about this - seek direction from your HP - this may not be something you are suppose to fix - Maybe you can Let Go & Let God, Live & Let Live and Keep it Simple - It's not about me.
Even if you can't do this all the time - try it a day at a time or even a minute at a time,
Keeping you & your family in my thoughts & prayers,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Difficult situation, however, your son got himself into this without a license now he has to figure his own way down. Your husband has the option of cancelling the registration and insurance on the car. Allowing him to take the car is enabling him. If he choses to drink over it that that is on your son - nothing you do will prevent it or cause it. Please keep in mind that if you knowingly let him take the car knowing he does not have a license - you could be liable should something happen.
Please remember that you did not cause your sons disease and you cannot cure it with well meaning intentions and you cannot control the outcome by continuing to protect him. Good luck.
Karen
__________________
Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
My daughter totalled my car in a DUI accident a few months ago. She was covered under my policy and had a valid driver's license. There had been some claims because of her in the past. Following accident, I met with my insurance guy. He's covered us for several years, and we've always paid on time. Long and short - I am lucky to still have insurance, and my premium will go up. When I buy a new car and it needs to be insured, I will have to go in and sign waiver, restricting my daughter from driving it or being on our policy.
Do you feel that your husband cares for your son, and has his best interests at heart, even if you do not agree with his methods? Then this has nothing to do with you - it is between them. Hard, I know, but one of the most valuable lessons I have learned (and I have to KEEP learning this one, it seems) is that not everything is my business, and I don't always know best.
I am scared that if my son doesn't get what he thinks he needs, something terrible will happen.
If your son DOES get everything he thinks he needs, something terrible will happen too. He will never get the chance to see how strong and capable he is, he will never get practice dealing with adversity and disappointment. He will take longer getting well, and spend more time in the hell of his addiction, because he is not being allowed to hit bottom. There is a reason your son does not have a license, and I bet a nickle it's not because of something you or your husband did - it's because of a choice your son made. Until his bad choices hurt, until he has to face the consequences of his actions, he will not start to make better ones.
I'm a mother too, I want to cushion every blow that falls on my children However, I have to face that this is not always in their best interests. Buy your son a train ticket, if you want to help him out - the dog travels in the baggage car, and your son can walk him at every stop.
So sorry you are in this position. I have been in the very same situation.
My experience was learned the hard way. If the insurance and registration for the car is in your Husband's name, then he is definitely held accountable for anything that might happen. Learning this one was very expensive for us. Please don't go there with your son.
If the car is your sons, then take it out of your name and off your insurance now. Once your son gets his license back then let him get his own. You do not want to be held accountable for his actions.
From your postings that I have responded to before, your son is in a position to make choices. Let him make them.
Let them both,...your husband and your son ...know that you love them both, but this is a situation involving them, and do not let them put you in the middle on this.
God knows the past, present, and future. Trust Him.
It seems a theme in AA leads, but it seems persistent that everyone feels a need to go to California or Flordia to help "solidify" their sobriety. Not that CA or FL doesn't have rehabs; or AA; or NA; or Al anon...quite the contrary. But the pattern in the AA leads is the same, and your husband is right, as some have mentioned: your son is seeking the external solution to the internal problem.
If it was really, absolutely, God ordained necessary for him to get to florida--as in, he needs an organ transplant and the only qualified surgeon is in Florida--the road blocks that are in his way wouldn't be there. The parking ticket? The suspended liscence? The insurance disasters? These are clear signals from a Power Greater than Him that this is not the time to go.
As for your role? MYOB! You already have a game plan for him to get to Florida, never mind that your husband has already asserted that "No" you don't have the financial means to send him, nor is it in the family's best interest. If your son is adamant about getting to Florida, let him fund the fiasco; let him find a way there; let him make it happen. So long as you continue to intervine on his behalf you are standing in the way of God's will for him, because sobriety for an individual is between them and God.
I hear the term, my husband. I hear the term, my son. I hear they, he, them. One of the things I had to learn in Al anon is if my name, my title, me personally was not involved then it meant it wasn't about me.
I also learned it was a red flag for me to stop and ask myself what was the motivation for getting in between the husband and sons. Did my husband have my son's best interest at heart ( you bet) Did we always agree on how to raise them, (no way) Did I feel like I needed to push my noise into things that those two grown men (husband & son) were dealing with (no way).
I had to learn to ask myself, why I was trying to make this or anything with them about me???? Interesting, were my motives properly placed or was I trying once again to fulfill my needs of feeling needed, useful, required, fixer. (ouch not fun thoughts)
Was I trusting my HP to love them as much as he loves me?
Was I trying to clean up someone elses curb instead of my own?
What was I really worried about? They would either work it out or they wouldn't. (Period) Either way, I was not involved.
Did I have manipulating issues to be concerned with? If so why? What was I getting out of all the drama? Was I addicted to the drama? Was it a comfort zone that if it really wasn't my issue I had to make it mine so I could be controlling?
Thank you all. I see more clearly now. I had reverted to my old ways.
I will leave this all to my husband. It was his decision to insure and register the car and his decision to end it.
Whatever my son is doing will go to Florida with him so it isn't the quick solution I thought it was for just a moment. I was looking to releive my own anxiety in a way that wouldn't work for any of us.
I am focused again but of course terribly worried about him.
Good job regaining your focus, Laura - hang in there - Progress not perfection, keep those prayers & good thoughts going to your HP, attending meetings, stay in touch with your recovery - the worry will lessen to be replaced by peace, serenity and sanity.
Easy Does it,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I look at this from an whole different perspective. My daughter and her two friends were hit head on by a young man, who was not drinking. He just made a bad move. It was an accident. All three girls were hurt badly, actually my daughters best friend died. Do you know the first thing my insurance agent did? He checked out who owned the car, if it had insurance and if the owner owned any real property that we could attach. With that car in your name, you are liable because you are the owner. Drinking doesn't have to have anything to do with it.
My brother who is alcoholic always was moving to find a cure. He went from west coast to east coast. North to South..The moves never got him straightned out. However, we as a family, we paid for a few of them, and sent a car with him to Texas once too. When he decided to really try and get sober, the funny thing was he hitchhiked all the way from Florida to Oregon to get to treatment close to his family.
I guess the truth is if they really want it they will find it with no help from us.
Someone gave me this when I was worrying about my daughter (when she was actively using and was engaged in all sorts of self-destructive activities). It helped to soothe/lessen, but not eliminate, my pain from worrying. I hope it will help you, too.
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off. It's the realization that I can't control another.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome in not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself. To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go is not to fix, but to be supportive. To "let go" is not to judge but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept. To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. To "let go" is to fear less and love more.
((((((((((((((((((Thank you all again)))))))))))))))))))))))))
I stayed out of it. My H told my son that he needs the license plates back and that the insurance isn't valid when the car is driven by an unlicensed driver. He called back this evening to say he has someone who will buy the car on Friday and he will fly to Florida and buy a motorcycle to get around on. I didn't say you will have trouble getting a motorcycle license there because it's probably reciprical. Let him find out.
I feel much better today because instead of jumping around and trying to fix to make him happy so maybe he won't drink, I came to my senses and tried to do the right thing. It feels better knowing I am right.
Laura..you sound so much better today....well last night. That was great detachment! Of course you son will still be in your head. I still wake up in the middle of the night and cannot stop my mind from thinking about him. I keep trudging along daily asking my HP to help me to let it go...to let him find his way without me.
I agree with Gailey! You did great! Give yourself a great big pat on the back! And don't be surprised if you still think about ways to fix things. That's normal, however, staying out of our children's lives so they can learn life lessons isn't easy.
