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My wife is still not working any sort of program and simply asks me to be patient while she searches for her 'right solution'. My family has expressed an interest in seeing her at our Thanksgiving because they haven't in two years. She is getting sicker by the week, she is 93 pounds and last weekend her eyes started showing yellow tints. By this weekend the yellow was darker. It is breaking my heart and I cannot bear to watch the process.
Her self destruction has prompted me to move out and I should have a place by the end of the year.
I know that she doesnt want to be alone during the Holiday and would like to come with me to the beach. But she will not commit to limiting her drinking for the two nights we will be there.
Why should she go vs. not go? Control? For yourself? Family? Embarrassment? Will it ruin your day? Is it one of your boundaries to not be with her when she drinks?
If it's one of your boundaries then I say stick to it. If it's embarrassment, then , well..it's her problem. You don't have a part in her actions. People will think what they do and say what they say.
This program is all about our happiness. Do whatever it takes to have a wonderful holiday.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Yeah, I'd look at the motives for taking/not taking her. Best to stay away from punishment, manipulation, controlling, etc. Set aside any hoped-for effect on HER of your choice, and look at the effect on you. Look realisitcally at what it will most likely be like, based on past experience rather than wishful thinking, and decide whether that is something you would like to do, or not.
Jeeves , asking a A in the state that u describe her ( yellow eyes ) etc to not drink for 2 days is totally unrealistic it simply is not possible. If you truly want her with you on the holiday take her but don't expect her to NOT do what A's do , Drink !!!!! You are not responsible for her behavior while visiting your family .
I suspect that even if you asked she would not go , when my husb was drinking 24 -7 he could not leave his normal haunts for any length of time== as a recovering A explained to me he needs to know where the alcohol is and away from home is way too much pressure , he has to devise a way to get what he needs in a strange sorrounding. She is asking because she is pretty sure u won't take her with you .
Just my opinion , been there done that many times. In sobriety my husb told me he used to make himself sick waiting for me to ask him to join our sons on a holiday , he knew he could not go . And keep the secret of exactly how much he was drinking from us . His solution was to always pick a fight just before we were to leave , so he had an excuse to not go. Thank God I learned about plan B . go anyway
Thank you all for taking the time and the thoughts to reply. As much as I do not want to think about fixing her I guess I am thinking about my family's feelings. We have been married 18 years and started dating freshman year in school so she really is like family.
I think it would make me happy for my family to see her one more time. It might be their last and my wife has not seen my neice and she is 2+ years old.
Hate that you are having to watch your AW suffer, but it is awesome to hear the healthy compassion in your post.
If you do decide to bring your wife to your family thanksgiving, is there a place that if she is "acting out" that you could take her, then go back and enjoy the remainder of the holiday festivities with your family?
Might be a boundary you could set "I'm hoping you will join us for the family celebration, if you exhibit unacceptable behavior, we will leave immediately. I'll bring you to ________, then return to finish my Thanksgiving meal with the family"
Probably won't stop her drinking, but it may help her to understand that unacceptable behavior, causing a scene, etc. is not within your boundaries.
Another suggestion is seperate vehicles if possible. My AH's family sometimes can get out of control on the holidays or at any other family gatherings. Usually to protect my serenity and sanity, I usually drive my own vehicle - that way if I am uncomfortable, I can leave.
That is just my HP giving me the wisdom to change the things I can.
Just my e,s, & h,
Praying & sending good thoughts that you, your wife & your family have a blessed Thanksgiving holiday,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
