The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
...and now I'm planning again, but terrified of failling (again).
I had planned to leave my AH in September. We talked about it, I gave him a date so he'd know when he would need to start taking care of the bills on his own, etc. When it came down to signing a lease on my own place, I panicked. He said all the things I needed to hear to keep me from leaving ("I'll cut back on my drinking, I'll try to be more affectionate..") plus he played on my fears ("You're going to be broke all the time, you won't know anyone there, you don't have a job lined up...") and I stayed knowing that those things weren't true.
Now I'm once again accepting that I need to leave, but because of money issues, I know that I can't leave until after the first of the year. I've not discussed this with him, because the tension becomes unbearable and his drinking escalates. But I feel like I'm being sneaky by not just bringing it all out into the open, so that's causing tension on it's own.
Combine my fear of failure with the fact that I still love him (just not in "that" way anymore) and the fact that I'll be losing my best friend...I'm living my life in constant fear. Fabricated fear! Because I know (logically) that everything will be okay, and that whatever is meant to be will be, but I can't seem to make my heart understand that.
I'm mostly just trying to spill this out in the hopes that it will dissipate...but feedback, and a means for fighting the fear, are absolutely welcome.
Don't feel bad about where you are at in your process at the moment because we have a slogan for that also, "One step at a time", "Easy does it", "Let go and let God", there is more and you get them by coming back. "Turn it over" (to your HP) might be a good one for now and let me suggest that you do get to face to face meetings and get around recovering people in your area. Look for a sponsor; someone that you can lean on and who will support you when you feel alone in what you are doing or trying to do. Sponsors, good ones, are tremondous sources of guidance.
Fear, for me, was my biggest problem and kept me in the problem most of the time. I found out in the Al-Anon Family Groups from my area that "the opposite of fear is faith" and then I got a definition for faith from a member that I still use today. Just mull this one around for a while on your way to your own definition, "Faith is not so much the believe in a thing without proof but the trust in it without reservation." Worked for me...might for you.
I agree with Jerry, cut yourself some slak. I would also talk with some professionals in the financial arena. Their job is to make sure that all decisions are legal, floating and obligitory. So you know, if you're already uncertain of "Who's on first?" as Abbot and Costello would say, ask for help! Isn't that what al anon is all about?
