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I’m new here and have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head I’m not even sure where to start.
My husband drinks. Is he A? I don’t know, and I don’t know if it is for me to say… he says he’s not.
However, after 5 years of being together, with him drinking more than I’m comfortable with… sometimes not buzzed, many times buzzed, and occasionally black out drunk… I’ve finally realized that it doesn’t matter how he views his drinking, my responsibility is to take action for the way I feel.
When I watch him get drunk, I feel AWFUL. Nauseous, heart sick. He doesn’t get that it affects me, and now I realize that it is ok for him not to get it. I get it and I need to do something about it.
What I realize is that I need to LEAVE his space when I feel he’s had too much—for a night or two, not long term. I will leave not because I don’t love him, but because I love both him AND me. I’ve contacted a friend and asked if I can go there anytime of the day or night if I need to escape my situation, and they willingly said yes.
I suppose my question is, when do I tell my husband my new action plan? Do I tell him when he is sober? Do I tell him when he’s drunk and I’m ready to leave? Do I tell him where I’m going? I don’t really want to, as I don’t think it is his right to know, and I don’t want him to get weirded out about the relationship we have with our friends, though I know they won’t judge him, and they will continue to love him. That is why I chose them to ask. I’d like to ask him to call me the next day when he has shaken off the drunk, largely to make sure he hasn’t hurt himself, does that seem like a reasonable thing to ask?
He is really high functioning man, and for that reason I don’t know if he’ll ever hit bottom, or ever change his ways. Fortunately I don’t fear for my physical safety, but I do worry about his when he gets that drunk.
Just the other night he came up stairs to talk with me and got a bit off balance and fell smack over. Nothing but a small abrasion to his forehead, but one other time he started to fall down the stairs here and caught himself with his face by the railing. Nice black eye and a couple deep cuts.
I know this is wordy, but like I said, I have so much going on in my head and this is the first time I’ve chosen to find a place to talk about it.
One last question… Is drinking a gallon of Vodka in 5 days excessive? About 1/3-1/2 of it was drunk on one night after 4 pints of beer. I know the latter is excessive, but even so, a half gallon of Vodka in 4 days seems like a lot… and he never really even seemed buzzed those other 4 days…
Hi and welcome AFP. I will answer two of your questions. Whether he is an A or not is not really the point. If his drinking adversely affects you, which it obviously does, there is a problem with his drinking.
"… I’ve finally realized that it doesn’t matter how he views his drinking, my responsibility is to take action for the way I feel." You said it all right there!
Attempting to talk sense with a drunk is like talking to the refrigerator! Except that no light comes on when you open the door. You'd be wasting your breath. Whether or not he is open to discussion with you, he must be sober before you even try. If you don't want him to know where you are going, don't tell him.
Come back here often where you will find many, many people who understand and care. And Al Anon meetings in your area would be a tremendous help as well. I wish you every good thing.
With great caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I've thought about doing what you were thinking about -leaving when it gets too much for you. But I thought to myself is that any way to live?
My partner and I have been separated a while now but have still been seeing each other. If I go to his house and find he starts getting obnoxious from drinking I have left. But it starts to become intrusive, like if you planned to have dinner together - it's either sit through dinner like that or leave. I've left and had to go home and make dinner for myself. We have a child together so I was hoping one day we'd be married but I can't imagine growing old like this.. Reminds me of that Stevie Wonder song Part-time Lovers..
Also one might think that given they are smart people/"high functioning" that they'd realise what this is doing to you and your relationship, but I've come to the conclusion that they won't.
After I posted my thread, I ended up reading yours. Sounds like we were on the same track when you said you left after about an hour.
I don't know that leaving for a night will be a long term solution, but I'm also talking about someone who gets to the point where I need to head out maybe 3-9 times a year. Like I said the rest of the time it isn't so bad.
It sounds like your circumstances are vastly different, especially with a baby involved. Unfortunately you still need to see your ex whether you want to or not.
Most of the time I'm quite happy hanging around with my hubby.
Diva-- I like the refrigerator analogy. =) OK, I'll talk to him when he is sober. I really don't want to talk with him about drinking any more at all, but I'll try to make this discussion be the last for a while.
It feels great to finally realize that I CAN take care of me first, rather than him. Easy to say now, as the day after the binge he left for CA for 10 days and I'm loving being on my own without having to go anywhere! It has been a great time for rumination... I just hope I can stick to my ideas when we see each other again.
When you do talk to him, make it about you and not his drinking. How it makes you feel is the issue you want to focus on. Keep "I" in the conversation. Using "you" never seems to work out real well.
When you do leave..remember you have choices. You don't have to just go to your friends house. You can find something fun to do too! Do different things. Try out some local Alanon meetings and make some new friends. See a movie. Treat yourself well .
take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I agree with Diva. He is going to have to come to that assumption whether or not he is an alcoholic. I haven't met one A (alcoholic) that told me they were an A. That is just my experience. It has come to be a problem for you though.
I watched my previous A hurt himself all the time. I watched him one time break his ankle. I watched another time fall on the bbq pit and burn his arm really bad. Fall down and do massive injuries to his hand trying to keep himself from falling, and the list continues. Not one time...not once! Did he ever say to me, I think I have had too much to drink. Any other reason but the drink.
For my A, I used to think he only had about a 6-pack of beer and the not so often bottle of whiskey. Yet, he still continued to pee in the bed every single night. My children's therapist pointed out he was more than likely passing out once he got into bed. So, I came out of denial about how little he was drinking.
He has been gone since Jan. or Feb. and I still find stashes of empty cans and bottles in places I would never have dreamed of hiding my diary at.
I am not saying you should stay or go at all. This came down for me on how much was I willing to tolerate. After I got into the program and started workig the steps did I decide it was time for me to end it.
I stay to continue to work on me. I don't ever want to go back to the way I was before. Completely in denial that I had any kind of problem, that it was just my A.
I hope you keep on coming back and go to some face to face meetings. Find a sponsor and work the steps. You deserve that much for yourself.
One of the reasons I came to an online support situation is that the nearest face to face meeting is about 55 minutes one way.
I spend a lot of time with my husband, we are remodeling a house together, and do some remodeling for other folks now and then, and I don't feel like I can say in the middle of hanging sheet rock or setting tile... "hey honey, I'm heading to town, I'll be back in 4 hours"... thus the joy of online.
Is it reasonable to even think of requesting a sponsor even though I haven't been to face to face meetings or haven't been involved with this for very long? (Like, one day, in fact! =) ) If so, how would I go about finding one? And would one work with me solely over the phone and web?
I'd love to have someone totally neutral -- as I don't want to expose too much garbage to friends and family, as most of the time he is a great guy--to talk with when the need arises. Or even when there isn't a need.
How in the world do you detach from you loved one hurting themselves so badly, especially when there is NO RECOGNITION of why the accident happened?????
However you also seem to defend it or give reasons why it isn't that much or isn't all the time or isn't that bad..
I think you came here for a reason. And that reason isn't something that defining whether he is an A will solve. I think that if his drinking is a problem for *you* then it is a problem.
I found your post kind of contradictory or like you are denying what your heart is telling you, so I think you will only find the answers by listening to your gut/heart and not what your head or anybody else says is 'right'.
I read through some of what others here are going through, and my situation seems so insignificant in comparison. I keep telling myself that I really have nothing to complain about, so I should just buck up and deal with it. I mean hey... it only gets bad a few times a year, and who cares about a lost night of sleep or two.
That is the crux of my dilemma. My brain and my socialized atmosphere are telling me that I'm over reacting, but my body and heart are telling me I'm not.
I came here looking for support, and because for the first time in 5 years I'm actually willing to reach out and talk about what is going on for me, regardless of how often it happens or how severely.
At this point I'm not interested in his definition of his situation, nor am I interested in labeling him. I guess I just wanted a reality check... and it sounds pretty unanimous that letting him be who he is, and taking care of myself in all situations is the way to find peace with this.
You have done the very first step of our program. "Admitted we were powerless over alcoholism and that our lives had become unmanageable." That is remarkable for you and for some of us that have been around for a long time it is also what we had to do. Here is my experience. "Take what you like of it...leave the rest."
I went where the program was and it is everywhere. I got literature as was suggested and literature is everywhere. I read the literature and "was she an alcoholic?" the literature convinced me that she would easily qualify. And then still questioning I was told something you already are aware of. "Her drinking was affecting my life...terribly. I didn't know how to handle it." This was the qualifier that I needed to be in a recovery program. She had her own perceptions, denials, fears, justifications etc. She continued to drink even after taking the test (23 questions only and if you answer yes to three of them chances are you have a problem with alcohol) that suggested that she get help. She tried and then went back out.
55 minutes away may be a good reason to seek other entry paths for help or it could be something you do for yourself because you really need the break from the problem and a source of change that is most important to your peace of mind and serenity. Compare it to the break taking you were talking about. You can get a meeting schedule and take your breaks at a meeting. Several hours break. You mentioned the possiblility of maybe a day or to. Maybe this fits into that?
From my experience as a certified substance abuse/Behavioral Health Counselor at a Alcohol and Drug Addiction treatment facility and who has done many assessments? If his drinking has developed to the point you describe he maybe closer to terminal than you realize. This is a fatal disease. They die, go crazy or recover. This is not a cureable disease. It can only be arrested by total abstinence. Only one of the post marks for abuse is drinking over an ounce in an hour (most "normie" drinkers do more than that at the bar or infront of the tv) before having another. Alcohol is not a food source. It is a great intial source of refined sugar but doesn't have any redeeming health values. You don't get enough energy from the sugar because it is also a depressant and an anesthetic. (It brings you down and makes you feel numb.) One of the things that contributes to it being progressive is that it doesn't quench thirst...it makes you more thirsty. A thristy drinker.....drinks more. It is a very powerful solvent. It doesn't need to go to the stomach to start it's affect. It can penetrate the blood/brain barrier. That means it only has to travel the distance from the tip of the tongue to the central cortex in order to give the inital affect. That is about 6 or so inches? First thing most drinkers of alcohol feel is a relaxation of the muscles at the shoulders and back of the neck. This just also happens to be the location of the central cortex...just about.
If your man is or has been going thru blackouts and showing signs of physical injury. He could be (not counting the grace of God) closer to the grave than you or he suspects. By the way I have seen this disease kill more innocent victims and family members than a person would care to imagine. That means that your own life and safety is at stake regardless of how much you care for and love him; how cute and fuzzy (some program sarcasm) he/she appears to be from time to time and how much time you think you have before it could possibly happen. I have a very intimate relationship with alcohol and what it does and doesn't do. This is the nastiest disease I have ever encountered in my life. It took my grandfathers, father, uncles, aunts, cousins and is in the process of taking out my brother, my nephews and nieces. It has totalled my family and continues to do so for those who still practice drinking. Some of my family is safe for now because they have arrested it with total abstinence just as I have. I sponsor a man who is living your story. He is at a calming place because he has adjusted his thinking and expectations to the realization that his wife will die because of her drinking. She cannot control it...it controls her. It no longer controls him and he has made the decision to remain in the relationship. He truely loves his alcoholic and is completely powerless over her drinking and the consequences it is having on her life. She is a lovely human being. She is a beautiful woman and person. She is a child of God. She is an alcoholic and is dying as a result. We think of her as you think of your own partner. We love and care for her inspite of the disease. We are doing what were are supposed to do...with her and for ourselves. It doesn't have to kill us if we choose not to let it.
I am grateful for you coming here and being unafraid to ask for help. That is the first condition of recovery. My suggestion is take the 3 - 4 hours out of your entire life to get to the meeting and then keep coming back often. Get as much literature as you can from hospitals, doctors, offices, the DAs office, police department. Its everywhere and this site can lead you to much of it. You have turely come to the right place. Tell us how you are doing.
(((((Hugs)))))
ps. One could interpret you initials as an anagram for Al-Anon Family Program AFP
