The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am sticking to my plans not to cook thanskgiving for the A.
Last year I almost killed myself making a gourmet meal.
His friends came over and devoured it. I paid for all of it of course.
I did not get a hand with anything, not one cup did he wash up. He did his normal supervision stuff of what he thought a turkey should be like.
I did a superb job and I deserved far more than I got.
So this year I am surrendering on Thanksgiving. I have argued with him over it long and hard
what I wanted. I have asked for what I wanted.
One year we went away. He sabataged that nicely.
I let him I was not feeling very well at the time.
I have talked to him about other ideas. I have decided I do not want to spend the money
If I do anything with him it always invovles me spending, never him. he can't spend on anyone but his friends.
So I am opting it. It feels right. I feel taken care of. I do not feel deprived.
I do not feel like I am pushing this huge boulder up a hill and expecting something I am not going to get.
I also think it feels real. The A is incapable of giving to me, he can give to his friends, family whoever he does not give to me. I have stopped trying to get him to do it.
That feels like a huge amount of energy I can use for me.
I am trying to find work to do over the holidays.
One job I have at the moment shuts down for the Christmas week I could try to work then some and make some more money. Money helps me to feel better I can get new clothes and more. I have not bought myself anything for years. Every penny has to go on some new A emergency (he is so so happy when I have to spend on an A emergency).
He has some speeding ticket that is due in December. In theory at least there is a possibility the truck could get impounded by this. He is notorous for not paying his tickets.
I want to have money to protect myself so in theory working all the time helps.
Of course lately the A has become concerned about my working all the time he can't dump on me as much since I'm either at work or asleep. I am not going to play to his new found concern. He has never given me a penny for my things my needs. Anytime I have helped him and he was suppposed to pay me back he never did. I would be a fool to believe him.
I will just keep doing my own thing and give up on him being there in any way physically emotionally or spiritually. I don't even care what he does for the holidays. He has never cared what I did. So I have given up and for me that feels right. I have given up trying to make him think of us as a couple because really we never were. There was always a more powerful companion for him alcohol and his friends, his friends were always so so much more important than I was.
the central office here locally is having a thanksgiving dinner. Well, technically one of the meetings is. Is it possible that you could have a thanksgiving with one of your al anon friends? With some of the folks from AA?
I garentee your husband will still be there when it's all said and done.
My priority right now is working as much as I can so I have put in to work extra hours. In theory I will be sleeping. This year, for the first time ever, the A's mother is gone. She has gone off to another state to marry someone else. He is at a loose end. That is not my responsibility. My only responsibility is to me and to my own mental health.
I am no longer willing to kill myself to cook for someone who can not even say thankyou.
I am also no longer willing to be trying to make him make it a day I can work with.
So I gave up. Surrendering is actually winning. I may not want to work all the time but the reality is because of the A and my own issues I am broke. So I am going to just work all I can and sleep the rest of the time and not even think about it. Some year I will have a thanksgiving it is not this one but I will have a shot at another one but not with him, no not with him, no I am not going down that road anymore at all.
Sounds like you're doing what's right for u. I'm working this Thanksgiving (3rd year in a row) and I'll be working Christmas Eve overnite as well. I'm pretty much alone up here right now, so I'm hoping something good will come my way for the holidays :) But, I'm grateful I have my job to keep me busy for now.
You know in the past I would turn around and redouble my efforts for the A. I remember coming home from a business trip last year and being met at the door with some insane demand from the A. Oh one of his friends wanted to move in and he needed to have unparalleled access to the house. I was tired and anxious and wanted at least a "hi".
I didn't have al-anon then. I redoubled my efforts, went out bought a bunch of food, I made a huge effort to cook something really lovely. What did I get not even a thankyou.
The A was totally out of it on some substance.
That was all he really wanted for thanksgiving to be loaded.
Why not be able to recognize that.
I do now. I know that I am not important to the A in any shape or form.
My money is, my truck is (until he destroys that too) and my animals are (he can turn the love for them on and off like a tap much like he does for me) and his friends and family are at the top of the pyramid (thats a constant idolization and since I was once idolized (briefly) it doen't sit too well with me of course i know its all sick but there are bettere roles to play than the piece of excrement he wipes his shoe on. The only reason he will give me a ride to my work tonight is that he wants a friend over so they can party some more. My being around puts a crimp in his plans. He always has plans of course but none of them include anything but "using" me. None of them is for what I might want, not even a bottle of coke or anything. And anything I want or need is a huge inconvenience and I should remember that at all times and at no time more than when I've had to pay for something he should pay for like the insurance for the truck (which he has already crasheed 10 times).
My sickness is that I believed if I could love him and try harder it might make a difference, it didn't it just got much much worse and I felt totally suicidal.
Mareise.
I feel devastated to surrender to that I can't "try" anymore. At the same time I know tyring is destroying me.
