The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I’m fed up being in victim mode… I’m fed up with having to hide his behaviour towards me…(cos I look bad)…
He is (when he is in his right mind) a good guy….. The rest/most of the time he has a resentment so big towards me that neither of us can get past it……….. He does stay out/away a lot (especially to drink/use) and I stay out of his way at home, this makes life tolerable…….. (This nice house and area are dependant on his wage which is presently unstable)
Does my recovery just enable me to take more crap whilst sinking more slowly? …… Do I just want some one to stop making waves in my barrel of s**t rather than get out?......
I love him and I care about him (I even like him when he is on form)…. I love our son and I care about him…. I’m not sure I love or care about me much anymore……
Can I love him and leave him?.... Can I take our son, whom I know he loves, away from him?.........
What do I do?... I want to know whats for the best and I don’t know…
I have no career (just a low paid part time job) no prospects or money or security……. My memory retention is shot to h*ll………… I’m physically not on form….. I’m on meds……….. I have no close friends (cant cos of partner and state of house and my past and me being a bit nuts)…
I hide from people in recovery too cos my relationship is something I’m ashamed of (16yrs sober and living with an active A)….. I’m also idle… I don’t trust peoples judgment very much …. Even learned to accept my sponsor is not perfect lol….
My house is a mess figuratively and literally….
Ps I guess surprisingly, I’m also grieving cos my mum (who needed but never got recovery) died a few weeks ago at only 65 after at least 3yrs of bad pain and suffering.
I would be mad at the whole world but I never seem to have the energy.
Blessings Just for today I am warm dry with a roof over my head My six yr old only has a tummy bug and nothing more serious I am able to do a part time job even if it is badly I can walk (I couldn’t do that for a while there) My car is back on the road God helps me keep my mouth shut sometimes so not everyone knows I’m nuts My daughter is not even more messed up My eldest son is not even more messed up My sister is my sister again and would gladly look after my little one if anything happened to me I have a working pc and can get to online meetings etc
If you've been in recovery with AA, then you have taken the first step for yourself - acknowledged that you are powerless, and that your life was unmanageable. Looks like you're hanging on for dear life to control over his, though. Probably the most important thing we say here is - You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. It's not yours, it's his. All of it, including the shame.
If you start small, taking baby steps towards letting go of his disease, and looking at your own, it will become clear to you what to do, eventually. You didn't get to this place overnight, and you won't get better all at once. We have a lot of 'double winners' here - people who use both programs to help themselves toward a better life.
I recommend that anyone who is committed to working the steps for themselves at their own pace at a complete honest level first and foremost get a sponsor. You are not married to this person firstly--the most important thing this person is going to do with you is take you through the steps. Period. They're not going to give you a kid or a kidney (hopefully). They do not give you money or marital advice. They do not direct you to an attorney or to an apprenticeship for a job. They take you through the steps and through the literature; they give you hints on how applying the steps and the literature will help you practice these principles in all your affairs.
I also recommend if there's no al anon, or no reliable al anon in your area, go to open AA meetings. Just as you would listen to some one for their experience, strength, hope in an al anon meeting, do likewise for an AA meeting. They will also take you through the steps.
