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This is the first holiday season I've had to face since the marriage started falling apart - his drinking, etc. has changed the situtation from drifting apart to speeding apart.
I thought I was doing pretty good switching from angry detachment to compassionate detachment - but last night I ask what I thought was a simple question.
Are you going into work tomorrow (his job allows some flexiblity, but he has been going in regularly) or will you be working at home?
Oh, I'll be at home again - I have a bunch of vacation days to use up or will lose them at the end of the year. Now to be honest he also has a small business he works from home and stays in his office most of the time - but he is still HERE. His plan is to take 4 day weekends and go in 3 days - charging those extra days to vacation so paycheck will look the same.
He drinks every evening and frequently stays out very late or over night on Fridays. We share the same house but that is about it - but it still causes me a lot of pain.
Luckly it was Alanon meeting night for me or I would have been a mess.
I hate this, but have to deal with my health problems before making a decision on the marriage. He won't go to marriage counselling.
We are suppose to look to our HP for guidance, be thankful for what we have. But right now I just need a plan for the holidays. I have a teenage daughter - who avoids her father as much as possible.
What I'm I suppose to do? Pretend things are OK for Thanksgiving? I can probably do that but that long Christmas break with daughter home, and the memories of happy Christmases compared to a Mid-life crazy, drinking husband now.
I just don't know what to do - how do I talk to him - I'm praying for help but some input from you all might help. so help me please
I found that the best way to deal with holidays was to keep expectations very low. Until I learned that, holidays were among our worst times - I would expect him to act more like a regular person, and he would react to any pressure by acting out far worse than usual. The only holiday that he ever could be relied on to spend at home was Christmas Day - I was grateful for that for many years, until I realized that all the bars were closed Christmas Day....
I don't really like the idea of "pretend things are OK" - it's so hard on you, and really serves no purpose. If your daughter is old enough to be away, she is old enough for a certain amount of honesty from you. Instead, I would opt for "face reality" - this is what reality is at your house right now. Plan activities that can go ahead with or without him, and if he doesn't want to join in, go off and do what you would like to anyway. My kids grew up in a house with active alcoholism, and still have many happy memories of Christmas - we decorated cookies while Dad was at the bar, we went out tobogganing on sunny Christmas days while Dad slept in front of the TV, we went to Christmas concerts where Dad "couldn't make it"... This may not be ideal, but it is what you've got - you're not ready to leave him before the holidays, so find a way to live with reality that does not rob you of all joy. You can enjoy spending time with your family without your husband by your side, you can enjoy activities without him - keep it simple, don't torture yourself by wishing for what you haven't got, and you'll be fine.
Do you think that knowing what you know now, would you have left sooner?
I have only been with the father of my son for 4, nearly 5, years. Yesterday he asked me what is going to happen with him and I and after being separated the last 10 months I said to him the thought of another holiday season in turmoil is too much for me, I've had enough, it's over. Our son is only 18 months old. I couldn't imagine another 4 years of this. I don't know what's worse Xmas alone or Christmas together but resenting him and a constant knot in my stomach.
I'm going to go shopping for Xmas decorations with my son, for my apartment and start a new tradition of Joy and Peace like it should be on Christmas at home.
Why beat yourself to smithereens. I have done the I'll work till I drop holidays. I got nothing for that. This year I've opted out. I am trying to work through it. That is it for me. The stopping fretting about it helped. I don't know that you just stop. I think for me personally the fretting has been part of the grieving process.
Is there any way you could get involved with a church or some other organization for their holiday planning? I know, for example, the American Jewish Council in Cincy does an interfaith thanksgiving with ALL of the denominations across Cinncinnati there--that's alot of people in one place. They would need help!
The other thing that occured to me is to look to your community to find ways to get out of the house, to find emotional fufillment, to feel stable. Looking to your husband to fill a void that he denies is there won't happen--and counceling won't work so long as he won't stop drinking.
