The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know when I am enabling my A son or when I'm helping as I should.
Here's where we are:
I just lost thousands because I signed a mortgage for him and his wife and they stopped paying and I sold the house for thousands less (my money)than was owed. His wife is living with her boyfriend but calling my son 20 times a day. She is toxic. My son is now in an apartment, sleeping on the floor because he hasn't figured out how to get his stuff which I had put in storage. He stayed drunk for the move and didn't participate. I drove away from him that day determined not to enable anymore.
He has a good job, but he is deep in debt.
I don't know if he is drinking or not. He is a binge drinker and cyclical.
Yesterday he called crying that he doesn't know who he is anymore or how he got to this point. (lost house wife friends belongings.) I stayed flat and just suggested AA or therapy because it's hard to do it by yourself. ( I did send money and then regretted it.)
I am in torment, worrying and wondering if I am doing the right thing.
I think he goes to work everyday.
I want to rent a truck and help him get his stuff and fix up his apartment and do all things I know I shouldn't, because he sounds so helpless, but I know he has to figure out the basic parts of living himself.
I can't stop thinking about him even as I go through my day doing what I need to do. I am afraid of the phone because it might be him in trouble. I am going to f2f twice a week and it is helpful, and surely coming here is too.
Give yourself time - Recovery & learning a new way is a process - changing our focus from them to us is a difficult task - When my minds begins to stay focus on my loved ones & their business - I try to apply the "Next Right Thing"
As what is the next right - do I need to try to eat a good meal, take a relaxing bath, go for a stress releasing walk, do the dishes, clean my house, wash the clothes or even do something nice for me - the next right thing. Sometimes that helps take the focus off the chaos of the A's in our lives and that unmanagability of the disease.
Remember when you feel overwhelmed to Breathe, Just Breathe & no matter what you & Your HP are going to be ok - even better than OK!!
Progress not Perfection,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Nothing is more difficult in my mind as having a child suffer this disease. That said, this message comes to you from a mother of an A. I pray what I share gives you an idea of how important it is for YOU to get HEALTHY....1) You didn't cause him to drink. 2) You can't control his drinking. 3) You can't cure your son! (no matter how hard that is to believe and hear)
This disease is one of physical, emotional and spiritual issues. No matter what you do you can't MAKE him see the reality unless he elects to, and honestly he may never!!! (again, not your fault...it's no reflection on you as a mother)
The hardest thing I have ever had to do was to allow my son,my child, my baby, the young man that I had given birth to and nurtured all those years fall flat on his face ( hit bottom) for his own good. Read on...
Each time we call a boss for them and make an excuse, make a house payment or rent payment for them to cover their housing or mortgage payments, each time we buy them groceries or bail them them out of jail...we are actually "stealing their dignity" ...listen now...It gives them the message that "we can't trust them to be responsable for themselves". Yes, I realize from their past behavior it's a no brainer they haven't accomplished what needs done.
I pray you let him "hit bottom" an A term for having lost everything you are willing to lose and feeling ready to give up........then, and only then will he (your son ) realize he needs to reach out to others for help. It has to be HIM that wants it badly enough.
What I had to do as a mother of an A, was walk away (set boundaries, ask myself if I would have ever allowed anyone other then my child behave that way towards me) when the answer is NO then you have your answer ...no one, NOT EVEN your child should be allowed to behave towards you as he has.
Trust the other posts here, do the face to face meetings every night and day if you must. Get your hands on "Courage To Change". This is a family disease. It will take you down too. I'm sure you already know that feeling by now.
Know that it can get better. Know that you matter. Know that you must give him the room to make his own errors for HIS LIFE'S sake!!!
You have to LOVE him enough to LET him grow up and get healthy.
Trust me, call a gf go for coffee, take in a movie, get your nails done, buy a new purse, do whatever you must but give him space and room to be responsible for his own actions and feel the repercussions of his own failures.
Love you for your share, understand your pain, don't give up coming, share then share then read then share somemore. Let him live, walk away!
What is it I hear a lot....if you have to think about it and wonder if it is right or wrong.....it probably is best you don't do it.
I know this is tough. He is going to have to stand on his own two feet. I wish my Mom would let me do that at times. She pretty good about pushing in there to help whether I need it or not. The most loving thing we can do is not to enable.
I heard a man at a f2f meeting one time. He was talking about how he was chasing all these bad checks his son had wrote on his account. For him and his wife it was tough. They finally had to stand up to him and file charges.
When his son called from jail his dad told him he loved him more than he would ever know and nothing he could do would change that. He told him not to call him when he is in jail. Not to call him if he was in the hospital. Not to call if he needed money. Not to call if needed something.
His dad told him to call when he was able to stand on his two feet for himself and be sober was when he was welcome to call and come see him. "Never forget that I love you".
Wow, my heart broke to hear this. The man also said he knew, it was only up to his son to become sober, he also knew that he may never get sober, and would die. Him and his wife needed that peace in their life.
I came away with a new understanding that day. Enabling was not love. By not enabling he was giving his son the dignity to stand on his own. Dignity. Hard to think of when you deal with an active A in the middle of their sickness and insanity.
I hope your son hits his knees and finds sobriety for himself. I hope that you are able to find some peace in your life. You truly deserve it.
Good program Laura!! Tough love and practicing trust. Sounds like the first three steps and the reliance on an HP. Here is a "take what you like and leave the rest" thing I learned along the way to today which is just a short progression trip. "If the alcoholic has the time, ability and facility to be responsible and I step in and take over?....thats enabling. If they lack any one of those three things AND they ask for my help? that's helping." Another part is knowing when to stop and let go. You seem to have that part down good for now. Another reality/inventory item is, "If they haven't changed, chances are it won't change. It will only take me with it." That last one was scary for me when I came to understand that I was just a s addicted to my alcoholic as she was to alcohol. It did take me with it and it almost cost me my life. Hope this was a bit of awareness you can try.
What I realized with my daughter is that she used drugs and alcohol to deal with normal everyday stess that she didn't know what to do or how to handle things. I also realized that I wasn't helping her by stepping in and "doing" things for her. That was sending her a message that I had no confidence in her whatsoever which reinforced her low-self-esteem.
I changed what I was doing: I began to tell her how I would handle the situation - and then let her know about one other option she could try to resolve a situation. I then stepped out of her way and let her decide how to handle the situation. Sometimes she did it my way, sometimes she used the option, and sometimes she came up with a third option to resolve the problem (that didn't involve drugs and alcohol). She would call me and say, "This is how I ...." with the same excitement she had when she would show me a drawing she made as a child.
I praised her - and continued to "help" her by using this method. As her self-esteem grew, she was able to do things on her own without my input. She still has her days where she feels like she has no options to resolve and issue - and that's where I come in. Otherwise, I am just here to love her and let her know that she's doing fine.
Peggy's answer was spot on! I've learned with our 20 year old son, that as hard as it is, letting go, relying on tough love etc. is the only way. No money from us, etc.....they find their own way. It has definitely caused our son to grow up and start taking responsibility.....no more excuses. He does want to remain clean and sober, so I think sending him out on his own was one of the best things we could've done for him. God is a part of his life and has made a tremendous difference. Things aren't perfect, but on the right track. We have hope! Our faith in God has sustained us. I will be in prayer for your family and your son.
Mom of an adult A here too. I know what you are going through and how you are feeling.
It was the hardest thing I ever did, but what they are saying here is so true. You have to let go and let God. Let them hit their bottom, let them deal with their consequences, it is the only way.
You concentrate on you right now. Do something healing and peaceful for yourself.
I will add a prayer for your family to mine tonight. God has not let my family down, He has walked us through some tough stuff. Hugs to you hon.
