The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am trying to detach with love and that's fine as long as my phone calls with my A son are casual and leave me feeling hopeful.
Today he called at noon, crying at his circumstances (no money, sleeping on the floor because his stuff is in storage and he can't figure out how to get it, his dog is being boarded because until this week he was sleeping on a friend's couch and now he doesn't have the money to retreive the dog.) He doesn't feel like himself and he can't believe his life is so awful.
I didn't offer anything except "I'm sorry you are in a difficult position. Perhaps you can go to AA or a therapist." That's all. Then I ran to the PO and sent $50.
I know that's not detaching with love, but I can't stand the thought that he might be hungry. My H would blow his top if he knew I did this so I am a sneak too.
What's done is done - beating yourself up will not change the fact that you have sent your son the money. All you can do now is work forward - What do you want to do now? Only you can answer these questions, if you have a sponsor or a trusted Al-Anon friend that you can work with these on it might help.
Do you want to continue sending him money? If not, what can you do to help yourself not do this in the future? Can you put these actions thru the the first 3 steps?
I am powerless over my inability to stop sending money to my son.
I believe there is a power greater than me, that can restore me to sanity over this matter
I am willing to turn this over to the care of my HP.
These are some steps that I try to take when I have done something that I realize was not healthy for me or other people in my life. It is just a suggestion, You may not be ready to work thru it yet - you may be at the point where you just need to feel the emotions - That is the beauty of the program - You have the freedom to "Take what you like & leave the rest" For me, I have to work thru it as soon as possible so that my HP can restore that sanity & serenity in my life.
Learning to life Happy, Joyous & Free - One Day at a Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
You are right Rita. I was like a machine running to the PO to send him money. I am still powerless when I think he has fallen so low and it hurts me so.
He is so messed up now in every way that I can't imagine how he can move along. I hate it when he cries. He probably knows that and manipulates me with tears and I fall for it.
I still can't believe that my beautiful smart child is such a mess.
You said... "I still can't believe that my beautiful smart child is such a mess."
Take heart dear lady... he is still beautiful and smart. If he gets some help with his addiction he will be right on track to have a wonderful life. It happens, and as many of our AA friends remind us constantly, they didn't even want help until they had lost everything and felt they just couldn't go on that way any more. Up until that point... they didn't have a drinking problem, everyone else did.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Yes, I did the very same thing with my brother in May, can identify fully, be gentle on yourself, you did what you did, do something nice for yourself now.
I know how hard it is when it comes to thinking someone might be hungry. Maybe if there is a next time you could send a grocery gift card??? Just an idea.
Laura, I wanted to say, for me, my maturing in Alanon comes in stages.
I used to hand my A a twenty or so. Then I realized I am not helping him. I am helping the disease hurt him.
The worse they feel the better. Your son has to figure it all out for himself. He knows how to work. There are temp jobs. If he chose to go to AA he would learn from others what to do.
It has to be so hard on you being his mother. I believe that has to be the hardest. I had to send my son off on his own. It tore my heart out. Thank god he is not a. But he would not get a job or learn to be on his own.
He left and used his own power and now is a wonderful man today.
I remember the pain though.
If you can, concentrate on you.
For me detaching is loving the person and not helping the A. Sometimes it is really hard as they are in the same body.
I was going to say, send food not money. But you are only keeping his disease happy if you do.
But you are the one who will make that choice if you want to.
Be a little kinder to yourself. We are moms ... forever.
My 36 yr old son is bipolar/schizo and had been doing pot and drinking. After several stints in the mental hospital ( temporary thing..5 days at the most), he chose not to come back to my home. His delusions had convincedhim I was conniving against him.
We had a friend in the nearby city and he went to stay with him. Now today I found out he is doing meth also and this friend is ready to kick him out. It was hard, but I wasn't surprised. \
I know that my son will not seek help on his own until he hits bottom. However, i am trying to accept the fact that with his mental illness that may not ever happen.
My heart breaks for him. I can't believe this is the same wonderful boy from before. A lot has happned in his life and he just seems to have shut down.
We don't ever stop being moms no matter what. We love our kids.
Be extra kind to yourself! Progress ... not perfection!
I'm so sorry irish. Today must have been a hard day. Waiting for your child to hit bottom is awful, because all along we want them to do well, but our sons won't do well till they do what they have to do and that won't happen till they want to.
My son also has some bi polar components, but he won't deal with it at all.
It is hard being the mom. I was also feeling like I was detaching when my phone calls seemed hopeful. I have now realized that as long as they sound hopeful they are not getting closer to their bottom. I am really, really scared about the bottom for him but I so want him to get their.
Last night I spoke to him and he was sober. He sounded like he was really worn out. I was glad to hear him sound like that. I know it seems crazy but when I talk to him while he is drinking then his life is wonderful.
I still feel the less I talk to him the better I get. I love him very much but I cannot tolerate the person he is....the disease has him and I hope we get him back one day.
I will be thinking about you and praying for us moms.
Laura, detaching is one thing that is a lot easier said than done, especially when we attempt to detach from our child. I would have done what you did. Don't beat yourself up over this, and be ready for it to happen again.
There is NOTHING I would not do for either one of my children, and that includes helping them until the day I die. Some would call that enabling; I don't care what they call it, it's my baby!!! Some would say you were not helping him. It's all a matter of how you look at it I guess, but seeing my child with nothing and no hope is a situation I would not allow to continue. I promised my children on the day of their births that as long as I have breath in my body, they would have food to eat and a roof over their heads. I mean what I said. There are a thousand ways you can help your child without allowing him to be completely destitute.
Good luck to you and your son. I will keep you both in my positive thoughts.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
