What do I say to this? - Al-Anon Family Group

Mindy · Member

What do I say to this?

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((Mindy))))))))),

I despise this disease and they have a disease, just like diabetes. Would you hate me if I had diabetes? Now it doesn't justify their behavior but it does explain it. Yes this disease robs the families and friends of the people we love. But they are fighting a war that no one else understands, except an addict. My AH fights everyday to stay sober. Yes, he messed up our finances and robbed us of moments together. But at some point I had to let the hate go, lest it consume me. I had to rechannel that energy into my recovery, make something positive out of it. Otherwise I would have lost myself in his disease. I don't know anyone who wants to be an addict. I had to do what was best for me. That was letting the hatred go and letting the healing begin. Keep the focus on yourself and your recovery.

Live strong,

Karilynn

JulieLynn · Senior Member

(((Mindy)))

I do believe they have a disease. I can't really relate it to diabetes but I can relate because of my addiction to cigarettes. I know that it would be very hard for me to put them down. It would probably take a doctor telling me that if I didn't quit smoking I would only live for 6 months. I believe that alcoholics do what they do (which is drink) without intent of hurting other people. I don't believe that because they are alcoholics that this should excuse their behavior but understanding that they have a disease helps me to have more compassion for the alcoholics in my life. Someone told me a long time ago that hurt people hurt people. Alcoholics usually suffer from very low self-esteem and may try and make themselves feel better by putting you down. I have found that with my husband if I am concentrating on his drinking problem and say anything to him about it he will try his best to turn things around on me. That takes the focus off of them and if you react to what they are saying or doing it has worked.

Julie

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

Usually in rehabs there is "family week" where the family is given the opportunity, using the rehab therapist, to confront the alcholic specifically on behaviors and things that have caused harm and problems in the family. For example, it could be "Because you took out credit cards in my name and forged my signiture, I am having to go through with the police and prove that you did this. My credit is ruined. I cannot use my check bank card. The bank is forcloseing on our house. I cannot gain access to our bank account..." Or, perhaps it could be, "Because you stole money from our children's saving's accounts, our son, going to college this year, has no money to go to college with. When I filed the FAFSA, there was nothing I could say to them to get them to give him more money..." In this environment, I would take your first steps toward honestly owning your feelings and sharing them with him.

I would also get more deeply involved with your own life and with your children. I would commit to going to al anon metings; doing things like exercise classes or taking an education class (perhaps an art class at the local community college?) that you've put off because of his disease. It is time to put down roots and establish your own life because he is doing like wise.

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Mindy)))))

That is a great question. I am "relatively" new to the program, and really taking this concept to heart took me a long time.

I was furious at my wife for not being able to communicate and understand me any more. She did crazy things and if I said anything about it she would come unglued. It was so confusing for me.

The phrase "it's the disease, not the person" made sense to me when I realized that I was mad about "things" that happened, and "things" that are said. Yes she did them and said them, but when my children are acting out and I get angry, I can't hate them for acting like children... they are. Some of the things they do or say, I just simply don't like.

The difference is, with a little guidance and patience, they will grow up and hopefully not do those things any more. With an active A, it can likely get worse.

Like others said, when I quit getting angry, I had energy to work on me.

Take care of you!

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Mindy think of it as brain damage. When they are active in the disease they do not have a choice. If A's had a choice do you think they would leave and lose families, their homes, their rights, their health??

This is why they must get to where they feel so awful, they take a stand and know they cannot take it anymore and do their best to get on a plan of recovery.

There was a show on the Discovery Health Channel that they can now do tests to see if you have the markers to be an addict. There are actual genes that make you predisposed to being an addict. Same as the ones for obesity.

You do not choose to be an A.

To them, the drug that they want, is the most important thing in the world. It is their passion. In order to have a chance to stay away from it, they have got to really believe it is not worth it to feel so awful.

It has to be for themselves.

What you might do is write to the A, and then write to the man you love. I have been doing that.

Many, many people have the markers to be A. Some have never touched drugs so have no idea they are a pill or drink away from being addicted.

I could drink and drink and leave it. Not think twice about it. I don't drink at all as I don't see the draw to it. Tastes bad to me.

Are you going to face to face meetings? Do you read literature? That helped me so much. Talking to the A's on here has helped me too, and my own A has really helped me to understand.

His disease has made him do terrible things. Things he is so embarrassed and ashamed about. His guilt eats away at him constantly. He cannot even look at me or talk to me anymore.

I hope you can gain more understanding. It would make you and your family feel so much better.

I do relate to the hate=love frustrated. I get so tired sometimes of being alone out here with all this to take care of myself. I cannot leave as I have all these lives that depend on me. I fight and fight to keep our home.

love,debilyn

Noni · Senior Member

Mindy wrote:

I have finally calemd down to be able to talk to my A who is current;y in rehab He keeps bringing up the "Don't hate me, hate the disease" trying to make me not despise him for his behavior.All that I have been able to say back is that he has had a choce to drink or stay sober and he chose to drink and do horrible things so yeah, I hold him responsible for this and hate him for it. I don't know how else to explain it to him to wher he gets what I'm saying...any ideas?

Before I answer your question - I have a question: if you hate him - why are you talking to him? Why is he still in your life?

My brother and daughter are the As in my life. I can love them - but disagree/not approve of their behavior.

How did I answer my daughter? I tell her how much I love her - and then tell her that I don't approve of her behavior. I then set up my boundary with my daughter and told her that she could not be in my house when she is drunk, high or hung over. (That's my boundary - you might have a different boundary.)

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

((Mindy))

My HP is really taking me down memory lane lately - I have been talking or pm to several people that are right where you are and that reminds me of where I was 3 1/2 yrs ago.

Let me give you a brief background - I had my AH committed to get him out of the house (didn't care if he got treatment or not), he did enter rehab. I had limited contact with him for the next 6 - 8 wks. I was angry - no I was pissed off - He really wanted to save the marriage - I could have gave a flip to put it nicely. I was very much caught up in the anger. I know now that I felt safe in my anger. If I was angry, I felt I couldn't get hurt again.

There is a very long, long story and many, many hours, days, weeks and months of work, and finally recovery for me and both of us were able to save ourselves individually and then finally able to save our marriage. But definitely in our case - we each had to get healthy before we could work on our marriage. We spent 15 months apart before we moved back in together. The first 6 months barely speaking and the last 9 months dating. The first 3 months we lived together was tough, but we learned to take our marriage just like the program One Day at a Time.

Your husband may be really pushing for you to understand his disease, and yes I agree it is a disease, but I also believe that we have been affect by that disease also. And you may need time to work on your recovery from those affects also. If you need time, space, boundaries - it's ok to ask for what you need - sometimes that is the best thing. I believe that my HP knew that I needed that time away from my AH to heal from the anger, hurt and frustrations. You may need that also. You can seek what is right for you through prayer and meditation with your own recovery and concept of a HP.

Take care of you - You are important and deserve to be treated with respect and tender care,

Be good to you today,

Rita

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.