The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Recently I started back to the local meetings in this area. However I am still plagued by the decision I have made to divorce my A/addict. ( just moved here to finish degree, commute was too expensive).
Background - We went throught the drinking 10 years ago, I left and came back a week later after he promised, he sobered up and stayed sober. Waited 2 years before having another child since I worried about his relapse.
He turned into a meth addict instead. This has been going of for aleast 6 years that he admits. I caught him 3 years ago, threw him out and he promised to quit so I let him come home. Now after many fights, begging him to quit, begging him to work, asking him to leave the home, and almost loosing everything, June 30th I filed for divorce and had him served after I left the house since he was unpredictable.
Since filing, he has begged, pleaded, cried, cried, swears to be off the drugs, cried, got a low paying job (he used to make 50G/yr), cried, goes to church sometimes, cries, call and tells me I am horrible for not coming home, cries, cries infront of the kids, lives with his sister most of the time, cries, letting our house rot in the country, cries, turned down his old job starting at $45G since he is an emotional mess, and cries some more.
No, he is not still attending meetings, he went for a couple of weeks and says he does not need them anymore.
Now I am expected by him and his family to go back already since he is in so much pain. They have all been very important to me, and great support when he was using, but now I am horrible since I do not want to be married anymore.
So let me ask you folks. Since he is suppost to be clean and is holding a job (that still cannot support a family) am I suppost to go back?
He was not himself on drugs, so therefore all the horrible treatment, hurtful things and pain I have endured should not matter since he is clean now?
Does it really not matter?
Was that really not him saying all those horrible things?
Does AA say they are still responsible for their behavoir when they are users, or not?
Hi..Im an A also....and your share sounds a lot like mine a number of days ago...in my wifes position..
She would leave..Ide cry and make promises...and beg..She would come back..and after a short time ...Ide start up again...
Three or 4 different times this happened...before she had an awakening...
I was left on my own....and to make a long share short...I hit a bottom...got sober for me...and six months later we got back together...
Are we responsible for our actions when we are in that drinking or using state...?
I remember saying to many a judge.."But..I was drunk your honour!!" And He would say "You picked up the drink Bucko..." and your actions went from there..."
All the best to you...
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Giving to others, from the heart..is what its all about..
Going back is a personal decision and not one to be made lightly due to someone else's pressure.
After all YOU have to be the one to sleep with him and other such personal things...things difficult and nearly impossible to do with a man you do not love.
When I left my first husband, I cut off his family, I did not want them interfering with my decision. After all, the addict was crying, begging, pleading ENOUGH for a hundred people...sigh.
The best thing I did was follow my lawyer's advice and stop all contact with my first husband, after I left.
He said when he called to not answer if I had caller ID, or hang up. He told me to WRITE HIM A LETTER that all contact had to be made by letter, email, or through my lawyer. NO discussion! Anything having to be discussed about the our baby had to take place in writing. It is easier to stop reading a begging letter than to cut off real life begging, LOL.
WHAT A RELIEF! I finally had a chance to think, without being brainwashed and pressured.
When I finally cut him out of my life and got rid of his pressure and pleadings and guilt trips I could see how happy I was without him. Hey, that is the POINT of their harrassment after all! They want you to be so brainwashed with guilt trips that you don't have a chance to think.
Maybe your husband is really a nice guy though and you REALLY love him, only you know if that is true.
But the point is, cut yourself off from all of the pressure, pleadings, beggings, tears, and guilt trips so you can discover how YOU really feel. Maybe you DO love him enough to give him anther chance.
When I was separated from my husband now, I too cut him off. Only I discovered that I really DID love him enough to try again when I got some peace to think about it. I never regretted it either. We really loved each other at one time, the stuff you see in movies...we waited a long time for that. So, we both hesitate to give it up...sigh.
Only you know if you have that sort of love for your husband.
Give yourself time to think. Make sure if you go back it is because you really love him and you guys have a chance now that is he is recovery. Make sure it is not just prolonging the agony of a breakup since you just went back out of guilt.
I agree with Isabella. I had to cut off all contact with my A/CH husband. I can think more clearly and without pressure. If he does call me, I screen the call and call back when I have had time to really think about what I want to say. My A tells me that he isn't using cocaine anymore. I just have a hard time believing anything he says. If it's really true, it's probably only because he can't afford it without a job! That's not recovery.
Take care of YOU! Artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
There is the little voice in my head that tells me that if he can't hold a good job (like he use to) and control himself, he is not really in recovery.
He stays with his sister (a Dr., in a $1/4 mil. house), with her family all around him. With very little expendable cash, and people to keep him company and busy, what would he do with temptation if it was really there?
He tells me that if the divorce goes through, he will never marry me again. That sounds like manipulation.
He also says that he would get a better job if I stopped the divorce, if he had hope. I am tempted to do it just to see if he would do what he says or not. You know the old saying about given enough rope.
Is he really in recovery if; he will only rise to his best if I say there is a chance?
Doesn't he also have to make up for his past actions as part of recovery? Just stopping drugs and complaining about paying the minimum wage childsupport is not making up for all the support I gave for so many years.
Is he really in recovery if; he will only rise to his best if I say there is a chance?
Whether it be a person in Al-Anon or a person in AA, true recovery comes when a person decides to recover for themself.
My A went into recovery when his wife was pregnant. He did not want his child to grow up with an alcoholic father. He put 7 years into AA, had a sponsor, worked the steps, went to conferences and a lot of other AA functions with the family, sponsored others, worked the local hotline, met other struggling AAer's for coffee at 3 a.m. to help support them thru a hard time.... then his wife asked for a divorce and withheld his 2 daughters from him.... he fell off the wagon big time and is active still.
We, and they, must have the right reason for recovery... wanting it simply for ourself.
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Only you can make the decision whether or not to go back. As to what AA says, there too, you are encouraged to stand on your own. He is very new in sobriety. He needs to prove that he means business. That he is serious about living in an orderly, organized fashion.
It is up to you how you want to live your life. You filed for divorce once for a reason. Perhaps it is important that you go back and write about why you filied in the first place. That may give you reason to let him earn some sober time before allowing him the privledge of being with you. You were with him in the dark times. Let him be there for you in the light times.
