The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I'm on the phone with my A last night and talking about him getting a place to stay, paying bills, etc. and he says I don't want to get a place...how long do I have to be good before I come home! This really pissed me off, I guess the idea of being a foregone conclusion (of course I'm going to take him back...) really pissed me off! I am actually VERY happy with him living somewhere else and only seeing him on weekends. I think I will probably eventually get to the point where I prefer not to see him every weekend. I like my space. I like actually being able to be in control of the things going on around me and that are affecting my life. Like the trip I have planned. Like being able to go where I want when I want with no guilt. Like being able to raise my kids the way I want.
There was talk of control earlier and I know we love it that's why we get into these relationships but I think like Jerry said, not all control and manipulation is bad! Especially self control in determining my destiny rather than waiting for the next brick to hit me in the head. I don't know if I will take him back or not but him assuming I will makes me resist it harder!
I know my spouse is "here, let me fix this mess---quick!" He is so impulsive, impetuous. He thinks things can be solved/resolved like a bargaining chip at a business meeting, and that's as long as it takes. Geez.....
He cannot grasp the concept that it will take ME as long as it takes ME to get well ! And that it takes a lot of effort and time to earn back my trust in several areas of our marriage. He didn't just break it in a short time! But like I said, it seems as if he has no concept. As far as liking my space---oh yeah!
Mine has ADHD tendencies, but won't get help. My counselor said I can gradually lead him to go get help by pointing out to him how it affects our relationship and it is now starting to affect others in the family. OR she said I could get away from him "once a month". Boy, did I get a 'deer in headlights look' ! ! ! Twelve getaways? That would take a lot of WORK and planning. I have hard enough time planning trips to the market and day trips with my daughers!
I always took the A back. He could push that abandonment button very very well. I never took care of me. I never took time out for me. I never took care of me. I was always way way way too eager.
I realise the A has been playing the I'm moving to be near my mother stuff to try to make me feel insecure. I turned it around on its head and said Oh if you are going to go to the silver mine leave the truck behind I paid for it. Since she wants you to go so bad she'll buy you one.
He's astonished. Before any mention of a split up, any mention of separation I was jello. Now I'm not. That is what plan bing did for me.
I know right now the worst thing in my life wouldn't be if he left. The worst thing would be continuing to live with him, his drugged out brother, his washed up friends who are the point of alcoholic collapse for ever. That would be the worst thing I would never be out from under it.
I also think I want a life where I am included. I never go anywhere with him. No day trips anywhere, no trips to the beach with the dog nothing. He has tons of money to buy drink though. He has tons of empties lying around. I get the rough end of the stick. I get to pay if I want to go somewhere. Well now that isn't enough. I want a boyfriend husband who wants to go out somewhere with me. Not who I have to pay for.
So if you have always taken him back in the past I think he's likely to think that's likely now.
The A I live with is good for like 10 seconds then back to normal tantruming and meanness. Who needs that? I could look forward to a lifetime of that. I already had 6 years. Then he starts obessing on something like we are going to be evicted. Lucky for me I know eviction law, if the landlord doesn't give back the check he can do whatever he wants with it. He always wants me on tenderhooks. Only now I am not on tenderhooks. Now I am on the way out the door and I don't care what happens to him anymore either. He can fall in a ditch for all I care.
Recovery means to me: taking back your life. Being in control in the way you want to be. Doing what is best for you and your children. It's your life. Take no prisoners.
You do what you need to do, regardless of what everyone else feels about it. You're doing fine. I'm proud of you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
