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I was in a rage (very worried about these arger surges lately). He was taunting me and I lost it. I had the tv remote control in my hand at the time and I threw it at him. It hit him on the shoulder and the batteries flew out and hit him in the face. He then carried on shouting at me, and I hit him with the towel I had in my hand. I was doing the dishes at the time.
He has never laid a finger on me.
Ah hour before this, he had taken my keys and left me in the house. He didn't lock me in, he just took my keys because he had misplaced his own, it seems. He went out to do his drugs, although he wouln't admit this. I was stranded in the house only for an hour or so. Last week he left and didn't come back for 36 hours. It was a very long hour, I didn't know when he was actually going to come back. I was very upset and angered quickly.
So it escalated. I feel so so awful. I cannot believe I did this. He says hes thinking about getting me arrested, and that he is going to tell everyone....he named the individuals...people in my and his families, how bad I am.
I know I was wrong, and can't explain how I flipped to this.
He tells me I'm psycho repeatidly. I'm begining to think he's right. I think he's better off without me....and not the other way round. This guilt is overpowering me. I just want to run away.
I know we need to be apart and I have been asking him to go, to just leave me alone, but he keeps making excuses.
Pleas pray for me. I am so desperate today. Annmarie
Aw, I am so sorry this happened. I know I have been driven to violence a few times. Possibly you need a boundary around him using your keys. If he loses his then that's his problem. I have had that happen to me too (being stranded) and also him using my cell phone which is my only communication with the outside world and disappearing for days so he is no longer allowed to use my phone. Also he used my car last weekend and left all the beach stuff in it and it had just been cleaned the day before so guess what? He wont be using my car again until it is spotless - I don't care if his name is on it or not!
This is the time for detachment. Don't put yourself in positions where you give away your power or freedom to him. It's ok to say NO sorry you can't use my keys!!! You had good reason to be upset, but now you know not to put yourself in that situation again!
Don't be so hard on yourself and don't be worried about what others think about you, they don't live with him!
I am so sorry you are going through. If you are worried about your anger escalating, have you thought about talking to someone about it? I think we all feel those surges of anger directed at the A at times. How can we not after everything they put us through? Use this as an opportunity to learn from and decide what you want to do. Don't beat yourself up about it. We all slip, and while there is no excuse for physical abuse, it's done. Move on from it. Learn from it. Grow from it. That's how we get healthy.
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You are at the right place with the right people at the right time. You belong here. Beating up on yourself (after he has done his abusing) is not allowed so set it aside for a while cause it doesn't work or result in peace of mind and serenity.
When I got to where you are and I wish it had only been the remote that I threw, my reaction was explained as "I was sick and tired of being sick and tired" and I was ready for a change. It was then explained that I couldn't and wouldn't be able to change her (powerlessness 101), that she blamed my reaction and sick behavior for her drinking and that she didn't see a need to change herself and that she was "okay" and not me...the thing I could change was me!! I was confused (normal for a new comer). I was trying to tell her that what she was doing was hurting and upsetting me but I was feeling guilt and shame. I was taking on the responsibility for something I didn't cause, couldn't control and could'nt cure. I found out this was normal for enablers and also found out I had all the behaviors, thoughts and feelings of the enabler. What I did to make/have things better actually enabled things to get worse.
I needed others who had lived in this crises/chaos lifestyle and had survived it to come out whole and I found them in the Al-Anon Family Groups, its steps and traditions, experience, strenght and hopes, its suggestions and mostly its practice.
Yes I was psycho...I knew it and she knew it. I didn't want to be pyscho that was so far from what I wanted yet that is where I found myself. She needed to point the finger at herself and accept her part in the problem yet she wouldn't do that as long as I was there to accept the blame for it. The terrible thing you did is only one terrible event in all of the terrible events you are living with. It is not "The" big event only one of many that have happened, are happening and will continue to happen unless you find help...inspite of him.
I suggest that you get to as many face to face Al-Anon Family Group meeting over the next 90 days, claim the seat you have already earned there and listen and learn. Take the suggestions you hear from those who have been where you are at right now and are no longer affected by it. Work the steps, especially the first three, get as much literature as you possibly can and read it daily, Find a Higher Power...one that you can surrender the fight/problem over to so that you won't try to figure it out, look for a sponsor, a female person who's recovery gets your attention and who's changes are appealing and prepare to ask them for personal support, and practice, practice, practice what you learn. If you find after 90 days that we don't have what you want...you get a refund on your miseries and get to try something else for help.
This is what was given to me and worked. This is what I have given away to others and it still works. This is what my sponsees give away to their sponsees and others and it works there also. It will work for you if you work it.
Your addict has made the decision to continue using. Your addict is not stupid, unaware or innocent regarding what is happening and what his part in it is. He would rather use and abuse than fix and clean his side of the street. He will manipulate and control in order not to have to deal with responsibility and that means putting the blame all on you and threatening you with whatever, legal or illegal to increase your guilt, shame and fear and therefore bring you back into the enabling behaviors that support his using thinking, feeling, motivation and behavior. He needs you to do that...he needs someone to do that cause he cannot and will not be able to use forever alone. If he tries to do it alone he will either get soooo bad that he will go for help or he will go insane and/or die from the chemicals. Again you are not responsible for this as long as HE is making the decision to use and abuse drugs. This is the progression of the disease of addiction. When I stopped enabling my alcoholic...she got worse until she went for help and got sober. Sane sick people usually go for help normally. Alcoholic/addicts are not sane just very sick and you need to be insane and just as sick or sicker to live in it.
My alcoholic wife beat the hell out of me without laying a finger on me. She abused me (her disease really) to the point that I lashed back worse. I wasn't telling her she was abusive and sick...I was telling her I was sick and tired of it, that I knew and knew that I knew that the alcoholism was killing us both. I got to acknowledge that before she did. I stepped away to save my life (which is something sane people do automatically) and she continued to drink and try to find other enablers to replace me. None of them could save her either. I met a few of her sustitute enablers and they were pissed at me for letting her go...mostly because they accepted the responsibilty and all the craziness and illness that came with it.
The story you told here should also be told in a face to face meeting. Look in the white pages of your phone book under AL-ANON FAMILY GROUPS and call the hot line if you haven't already. There is a real live person on the other side of the phone that can relate to where you are at and what you are going thru.
If you have the ODAT Al-Anon daily reader take a gander at page thirteen. This page was given to me as a gift from an oldtimer when I was a newcomer. It saved my mind and helped change my life. Use my favorite slogan if it might help you in a pinch. It is "Don't React". If you want me to email you page thirteen ask. If you don't have a Higher Power at the moment I will share mine with you and you have to let me know before hand.
You've got to forgive yourself and let this go, no matter what he says. Then you start over. Don't guilt yourself to the extreme over this, please, it's like letting him verbally abuse you then beating yourself up for your reaction. A double whammy.
Now I'll tell you what I've done in the past. (so you'll know you're not alone ) As I accused my A of thinking he must be Jonny Cash (ie. the man in black) I chased his Arse off the deck, around cars and over a half acre w/ a long handled scrub broom. If I could have caught him, I'd have beat the crap out of him. I should also mention this was at 3 a.m. Talk about psyco-woman -- it was written on my forhead, and I probably had glowing eyes LOL.
What I'm getting at is that we all have lost it. It's why I love step 2, "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to Sanity." I know I had reached a level of insanity that made me wonder who I was.
Whatever step you are currently working on stay on that step and don't try to jump to step 9, If you have to, add this incident to your 8th step list. Making ammends before you have worked the steps, for me was like giving my A ammunition.
If you can think of this as part of your fifth step -- admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Again, I don't know where you are on your step work but I hear your desire to have this shortcoming removed (step 6&7). It's all possible.
Try to be gentle w/ yourself, what you did wasn't right -- but it wasn't terrible. It was a reaction. Removing yourself for a moment to calm down and get a way from the taunting might help. Could you set up a plan for the next time this happens?
I had my own version of throwing the remote .... I still sometimes feel a little guilty and even more bewildered that I could lose myself to the point I would do something that would never be in my nature at a "normal" time.
I damaged his property after finding he had sold more of my things. He told people, it stings but I got over it. I told some people ... they actually said good for you, about time you stood up for yourself. I got over that too.
Don't beat yourself up over it, accept it happened, keep working on and taking care of yourself to find the peace you need.
Is there a way for you to join a health club or a YMCA? Both of these offer exercise classes and I have found exercise to be very helpful in managing my anger. Especially kickboxing.
Do you journal? Journaling I have also found to be very helpful here.
Lastly, do you have a councelor or a sponsor? Someone who could help you identify your triggers?
I didn't give permission for him to take my keys. I hang them on a hook and he just took them. I didn't know until he had gone!
I'm struggling on step 2 I think. I know I have no control etc, and am usually quite good at boundary setting. This just has been dragging on for a week, and I guess I was worn down.
Jerry, I don't have reader you mention, but I will get it.
I don't really go to face to face meetings very much....it's been a while. It's just a matter of finding time I know. I will focus on this now. AM
Yeah I agree I definitely need to join a gym and have been putting this off a bit. I will do it now though! Not so sure about kickboxing.....I think he would be really worried if I started this!!
I do journal, quite a lot usually but I haven't at all for the past two weeks....maybe there's a lesson for me there too.
I don't have a sponsor. I did have a councelor a few months ago, but that finished too.
Just reading this has made me realise just how much I've actually stopped doing....definitely time to refocus!!!
My dear it is okay. Those feelings are so normal, and that's what everyone told me here when I lost it also. I threw his cel phone at him, it hit the wall instead and broke. I actually punched him this year because he decided Jan. 1 he could drink a "couple" again after one year of sobriety and on Jan. 10 I came home to find him slumped in a chair, dead drunk. I have never punched anyone in my life.
Another time this summer I was so mad he was so drunk I PUSHED him as hard as I could as he was standing next to the bathtub. He hit his head and automatically I felt horrible, I could have killed him if he hit it hard enough, he was just so weak and fell like a wet noodle.
I felt so so guilty, Annmarie. I have NEVER been a violent person and no one has made me feel so mad at them like that ever. Why was it happening?
Through this program my rage is gone. I haven't felt that in a long time... but it is taking getting away from him, I have been going to meetings almost every night or doing something to get out of the house and take care of myself. I read, read, and read more Alanon books or Getting Them Sober. I pray and pray for HP to take away my need to control and my need to fix him, for me to be happy in my today, to take my power back to take care of myself! It is helping, very slowly but it is.
Don't feel guilty, you are there, it happened, now move on. But do try to go to face to face meetings and listen to what people say. There is so much to learn there, and here, really.
It is so strange to me that this disease ripples to everyone in the family and makes them just as crazy if not crazier! That is the reality of it though and WE need help. Help to treat them with dignity, as human beings. They are sick. I read somewhere that this woman visualized her husband as in a hospital bed, and that helped. It is hard sometimes though because they taunt us and push our buttons. Detaching is still so hard to do but it is working for me, little by little.
Hang in there dear one... and try to do something nice for yourself this weekend.... I will be thinking about you!
I sooo know how you feel.I had a couple of those rages last year.I knocked over a huge plant (that I love and it has taken awhile for it to recover),turned over dining room chairs and threw things in his direction,tho I tell myself it was not AT him.Things were broken, potting soil all over,it was a mess.On top of that I was SCREAMING at him,that I hate him and wish I could get away from him...........
Then the awful guilt and embarrassment.I was so ahamed the next day.I was concerned that I was going nuts and I wondered where all that anger came from.
I'll tell you where it came from.It came from me being so emotionally depleted and physically exhausted from trying to be everything to everyone.I was getting nothing back,just giving,giving,giving.My sister had died and immediately after my mom got sick.I was trying to be the best daughter,my other sisters are A's and not dependable so of course I was going to come to the rescue.I was trying to keep up all the housework,yard work,bill paying,handling the money,plus a full time stressful job.On top of that my AH had met someone online and wants to separate.You know, something's gotta give.It did.
I also beat myself up for a day or so.It was an awful feeling.I had been so proud of the fact that,no matter what, I was always the stable one,the reliable one.I could not face the fact that I might not be so perfect.But once I realized where that rage came from and decided not to let myself get there again,it has not happened.
Today those same people still just take and give nothing back.But I have leaned on my friends,alanon, and MYSELF to give back to me.I don't allow myself to be depleted anymore.I quit that job,took 3 months off.Now I have another job more suited to me, no stress.I stopped trying to be everything to everyone.My husband handles his own money and his own bills.He even buys and cooks his own food.We are still separating and I'm getting ok with that.
I think when a person who does not normally lose it, loses it, it is a sign that something is wrong and is not being dealt with.So in a strange way, it's a good thing.It gets your attention when nothing else will.
Forgive yourself.Your A has no right to judge.Maybe he never rages or threw anything at you,mine didn't either.But they give their share of abuse in other ways.Not saying the rage is their fault.I accept responsibility for mine.It happened, and I apologized to my husband.There's nothing else I can do except make ammends by not letting it happen again.I don't want it to happen again for my own sake, I don't want to feel that way again.
Take care of yourself, it is so important when living with alcoholics or addicts.You have to put you first.It's not selfish, you can't give anything when you are empty.Put the oxygen mask on yourself first so you can help the others, right?
Yes it is ok to laugh - Ann Marie - as you have read so many of us have reacted to the disease and our A's in unhealthy ways. Growing up in an alcoholic home, people screamed, hit & threw things. I kept the throwing trait in my household. I have had to work hard to control that urge. And to forgive myself for my past behavior.
Remind yourself also that it is PAST behavior. You cannot go back and undo what has already been done. All we can do is apologize for unhealthy behavior and take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again.
As far as the keys - I might suggest finding another place to keep my keys. For me my life is all about what is safe for me. It doesn't matter that my AH has over 3 yrs sobriety. I still have a Plan B. If he relapses, I have an exit plan with cash, keys & a few friends that I can call at any time day or night to go stay at their house for a few days. Also the majority of the time, my AH & I don't ride in the same vehicle. That way either of us has the option to leave whatever function we are attending if one of us feels uncomfortable at anytime. It is about what makes me feel safe. Maybe you can make a Plan B for you. It takes a big load off of my mind.
Be gentle with yourself - I'll bet almost everyone here at MIP & Al-Anon has had one of those "melt down" times when the stress of living with active alcoholism/addiction has gotten the better of us.
Take care of you!! - You deserve it,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
wow lots of good information here. I am like you. I now get angry suddenly, don't have a history of this and it is humbling. I am trying just to feel it, even thought it makes me crawl out of my skin and act on it, which fuels my anger.I try to think it's just a feeling and will pass. it was also helpful for me to go to a search engine to find anger management techniques, and I found a lot. Those involving physical movement (mine, not objects around me) help me in the moment most. Be kind to yourself, too. -----Jill
I went tostay with my sister for the weekend, just to get away. I'm okay now. I apologised for my part in what happened, and he did for his. So for today it's okay.
I have learned so much from this incident. I am quite fragile at the moment, and know I have to start attending meetings again regularly. I have a lot to think about this weekend.
Thank you for being there and for all your kind words and loving support.
) As I accused my A of thinking he must be Jonny Cash (ie. the man in black) I chased his Arse off the deck, around cars and over a half acre w/ a long handled scrub broom. If I could have caught him, I'd have beat the crap out of him. I should also mention this was at 3 a.m. Talk about psyco-woman -- it was written on my forhead, and I probably had glowing eyes LOL. 