The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I got a difficult case handed down to me this week at work and without getting into details it is bringing up some strong feelings in me not just of my A but another relationship I had several years ago. This family I'm working with has a father who is an A, not in recovery just dry with dual diagnosis of OCD and BPD. I'm not fond of BPD people, they are draining. I can remember early in my career I fell in love with a man who had mental health issues, but didn't have the overt signs of it. He looked realitively normal, came from a good family, didn't drink or do drugs. Later I realized he had some BPD issues that really hadn't surfaced too terribly. The relationship ended badly, during this time of being in a relationship with this person, I got several families that had BPD, Depression, A'ism, you name it I had it. I was at the height of my Codependency and just didn't realize it, I thought I was doing what the "job" asked me to do. Give above and beyond because I'm a good person doing a noble job for my community. My needs of being needed got met daily. Then the relationship ended and I went to therapy and uncovered this word "Codependency" and that I was that word. I cried.... didn't want to be codependent, for me it meant weakness and being sick like my clients. Now I have a much different perspective on Codependency and have come to understand that so many people have some codependent issues, some more than others.
Some days my work feels like it mirrors my life. Some days its hard to do my job and seperate out my feelings from the family's experience. Today was one of those days. I know I'll make the right decesion with regards to the child's best interest. Today is one of those days when I think about how unhealthy I was years ago. The pain I felt...the love I lost. My friend was not a healthy man and could see that I was not healthy either. I just didn't really realize it until much later. Thank HP that I found this program and that I have not given up on myself and my recovery. Its the struggles I have encountered that have brought to where I am now. So for that I guess I have to be thankful.
Hope everyone has a good day.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I am breaking silence here just to say... I have the greatest admiration for people like you who work professionally with people and families suffering from addictions and their affects. I don't think I could do it and maintain any kind of professional detachment. My daughter works in this field and dealt with people a LOT like her ex. on a daily basis... addicts, criminals, manipulators, liars. She not only didn't get pulled into their issues, as she put it, "with me for some reason they don't even try". She just has this "don't EVEN go there" aura about her I guess!
I freely admit, I mainly just avoid getting involved in any situation that might pull me in to codependency. I don't trust my engines to pull me out if I get too close, so I keep my distance. Maybe that's cheating. But in my early sobriety, I didn't go to parties, or bars, or around people drinking... I never considered it to be cheating, just smart. I'm also not a policeman, a fireman, or a soldier, nor could I be. But I admire those people for their ability and desire to do a tough, often thankless job, and most of all, their tenacity to do the job regardless of the circumstances.
My hat is off to those professionals who work the front lines. May God be at your side, and never lead you where His grace cannot keep you.
I am with the Sax man on this one. That has got to be one of the toughest jobs on the planet emotionally. Those people are so blessed to have someone of your spirit on their side.... weather they know it or not.
I hope you can find some peace with that portion of you that hurts in the face of this case.
I know that you and your HP can find some good in it, some healing there that was biding it's time.
Take care of you, and thank you for what you do!
-- Edited by rtexas at 15:29, 2006-10-19
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I think it's normal for certain things (triggers) to bring up old feelings. It's obvious you recognize exactly what it is and that's great. Remember, it's just feelings, not your reality anymore, a replay of old stuff.
I have certain triggers too that create a flash of what I call memory panic (lol..I have a bunch of my own names for stuff).
My next thought is "settle yourself, that's all it is". I can't allow myself to fear a memory, I need to live in the NOW.
Take good care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
