The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is no longer good enough to cry peace, we must act peace, live peace, and live in peace. So, today in one of my meditation books, there was a novel idea presented to me. To summarize: Some people will never be happy because they **choose** not to be. Essentially, they believe that they are **unworthy** of happiness. They blame others for their bad times, but they won't look at themselves and see what **their role** is. Rather than free themselves to absorb the Divine Sprirt, they keep themselves in patterns, and thus nurture their belief of unworthiness.
I've shared with some of you that my mother is coming down this weekend. and when I read this, all of the sudden it was Ding! Duh! Of course! Any time that something good would happen in our home--and there were some good times in our home, even though dad was drinking--Mom never felt good. It was always what is discussed in ACA meetings as "Impending sense of doom" and rather than enjoying the good times for what they were, and enjoying dad's sober times for him being sober, she hated. She blamed, shamed, manipulated; conned, connived, whined; she did like the morning meditation suggested, and kept herself a slave to her feelings of low self worth. And as I prayed some more, I realized that alot of this had also to do with her up bringing--her family was also violently alcholic, violently addictive, and anytime there was anything "good" she "didn't deserve it."
I've also seen this pattern in myself; anytime anything good has come my way, some how I "don't deserve it." Any complement is "too much." Any sense of kindness is "over bearing." I remember I shared at a meeting where the subject was "recieving love" that for me it wasn't simply taking complements: I spent money I didn't have to buy, for example, pizza and pop for people I didn't like, just because of how lonely I felt, and how badly I wanted their "friendship" (you gotta be pretty low to spend money on people you don't like for a relationship you don't wanna have, bra); I shared how scared I was for anyone, including me, to transition into another phase of life (for example, to move to another city, or for me to go to graduate school) because, after all, how long had it taken me to feel safe enough to show you who I REALLY was here? and you want me to do it AGAIN? Are you nuts?!; I shared that it scares me for people to have any negative emotion against me (you're mad at me?! you're upset with me?! OMG! OMG! OMG!), simply because I still feel that, somehow, if I can gain your approval, I can also gain your love, even though I know from my OWN experience just because I love the work of, say, Earnest Hemmingway doesn't mean I think highly of the person he was (an alcholic with a womanizing side! ).
All of this still applies, and it's painful still to share with you today. But the interesting thing is (and I'm greatful to see that it's a sign of growth! ) when I share it with you to day, I can say "How common, though, that is, Sarah. How normal, though that is." And I can gently love myself into reassurance. I can gently give myself some credit into knowing that, you too, probably seek love from people that we in Al anon call "dry wells," and you too have gotten burned once or twice. It's relieving to remember that I am not alone with the feeling of "You mean you're leaving me? Why are you leaving me? Why don't you like me any more? Was I not nice enough? Did I not do enough to gain your approval?..." When that's no where near the truth!
So, having said all this, do you sometimes sabatoge your own happiness? Do you know someone that does? How? Why?
My experience was that all my esteem came from external sources. As a young man I did drink. It did lower my inhibitions (I didn't find out till much later in life that i was really an introvert). Alcohol allowed me to become outgoing. Booze or drugs never became a problem for my life. But ADDICTION... that's another story. I've lived with addiction & obsessiveness my entire life. So.... booze made me more outgoing. The more outgoing I was, the more friends I seemed to have. So... having many friends helped my poor self-esteem. I finished college & didn't have a ton of people my age, level of intelligence, or a QUANTITY of people with time to kill. Next addiction... WORK. Work hard, get praise, get raise, raise self esteem. Lonely... next addiction, get WIFE (who's very needy/addict) - get self esteem from being a self-sacrificing provider (No, honey - you don't have to work... just stay at home & smoke dope, note the remaining anger?)... then came a HOBBY... and actually... into recovery... I came an addiction to the recovery itself. AlAnon & two different support groups (I haven't felt any recovery for three weeks... got to find some... got to get some). RECOVERY was an addiction/obsession for me. I had to learn that it was time to live.
I asked my Higher Power... He provided the mental health & the spiritual strength I've needed for all the friends I need, a good job that I'm doing well with, a spouse who is there with me to share my life, hobbies/not obsessions to stimulate my mind, & continued recovery. I still get to deal with life's troubles but they don't cripple me as they did before recovery.
My self-esteem comes from my Higher Power... everything else I get or what I can offer are pure gifts from Him. Any gift that I have is a gift from HP. He can take away my spouse, my health, my job, my wealth, but will never take away the love He has for me. External sources can/will dry up - HP's love is everlasting.
It is no longer good enough to cry peace, we must act peace, live peace, and live in peace.
Wow, Tiger, what an inspiring post! AND I was just in the bookstore last night and read that quote above! Gentle love to oneself is such a great thing to explore. Shambala is a great type of Buddhism that teaches bravery also, to be kind and gentle but with the strength of a warrior.
It sounds like you are growing and growing in self-love. That is so great to be able to say to yourself, this is normal!!!! We are OKAY, we are in good hands.
Yes, I definitely sabotage my happiness, always. It is just natural for me to want to hurt myself knowing what I am doing is wrong. First it was alcoholism with ME, then I found recovery. Now it is smoking a TON of cigarettes, not exercising, and not eating, obsessing about AH. I have made a conscious decision today (and asking HP for definite help on this) to quit smoking cold turkey today, and begin my exercise and self-care. I will breathe in meditation instead of smoke. I am just making myself miserable, and why? Because AH is drinking? That is so stupid. I know what I need to do to make myself happy. I need to exercise, to do something every single day for me and for someone else, to go to meetings. It is a foreign thing to take care of yourself and love yourself, but when you do, it is a wonderful thing!!!
Anyway, thanks for your inspiration, have a wonderful day!!!!
Of course I sabotage my own happiness. After all, we are here to be caretakers of everyone else, right??? I'd hate to count the times something really good has come my way, but I can't allow myself to feel happy about it cause I'm always waiting for the "shoe to drop". Afraid of what's coming next. Never "expecting" something good cause I "know" I will end up being disappointed.
I still struggle with this each day, but with my HP and Al-anon I am slowly recovering.
I was asked by a counselor one time who told you that you were bad? Who told you that you didn't deserve anything good in your life? Who told you not to try cause you would fail? The only answer I have found to these questions is that "voice" in my head. I honestly can't remember anyone actually saying these things ... perhaps I simply told myself that was what "they" were saying by their actions.
At any rate, I am glad I have my Al-anon and my HP (who I choose to call God) to walk with me one day at a time and take the time to see and hear a positive voice within me.
I have also sabotaged my own happiness. I stayed in the relationship with my A hoping and using my own will to try and control him and will him into recovery. I had other oppertunities to have healthy relationships with others in my past. I think some of it was that I had low self estem, I never have thought of myself is pretty and could never figure out how someone as wonderful as them would want someone that had so much baggage. I had people tell me all my life in one way or another about my outsides but not many about my insides. I felt I was always being judged on them one way or another. The way I now see it like this I am a wonderful person inside and out, everyone has baggage but it is how we deal with our baggage and live our lives, respect ourselves and learn to make ourselves happy and complete. I know now in time the rest will work itself out in my HP's time. I am learning when I feel good about myself I am much happier and I convey that to others in my words and in my actions. Good topic thanks for sharing it!
Some people will never be happy because they **choose** not to be. Essentially, they believe that they are **unworthy** of happiness. They blame others for their bad times, but they won't look at themselves and see what **their role** is. Rather than free themselves to absorb the Divine Sprirt, they keep themselves in patterns, and thus nurture their belief of unworthiness.
wow... this really describes my A/CH husband. He's the son of an alcoholic. Interesting.
...artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
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) when I share it with you to day, I can say "How common, though, that is, Sarah. How normal, though that is." And I can gently love myself into reassurance. I can gently give myself some credit into knowing that, you too, probably seek love from people that we in Al anon call "dry wells," and you too have gotten burned once or twice. It's relieving to remember that I am not alone with the feeling of "You mean you're leaving me? Why are you leaving me? Why don't you like me any more? Was I not nice enough? Did I not do enough to gain your approval?..." When that's no where near the truth! 
