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So I sit here at my desk wondering why I would think our seperation would be any different than any other ridiculous argument we have ever had. Why would my reasons for wanting to seperate or my ideas about what a destructive force the drinking has become all of a sudden make sense to my AW?
It didn't make sense that I fixed the water to the frig instead of cleaning house. It didn't make sense that I cleaned house instead of working on my car. It didn't make sense that I worked on my car instead of going fishing.... blah blah blah...
I know she is sick, why do I keep expecting what I say to make sense? Why do I expect her to take responsability for herself and make a decission about working a program, or seperating?
She is taking an apartment testing to see if I will stop her. I had to tell her twice today that she should not be disapointed when I don't say or do anything to stop her. She is an adult and this is her decission... not mine.
It was my decission to want a house full of sober people. How we do that is now up to her.
Even to someone who is incapacitated to some extent, that is pretty cut and dried.
So all week its been .... I am putting a deposit down, if you want to stop me now's the time. I am switching on utilities, tell me that you love me and want me to stay and I will. I go to sign the contracts at 4:00, this is it or it's over.... last chance....
Really not a tasteful comparison, but have you ever seen Steve Martin's movie "the Jerk".
This really isn't funny at all, it is heartbreaking for me. But for some reason that scene when he is saying he doesn't need anything but his dog "shithead" just came to mind. Maybe HP was just trying to help me remember that this is dramatic, but not mortal.
Don't know, but I hope she heard me say that I am not stopping her from doing what she wants to do, because I am most certainly not.
I hope you all have a great day!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Awwww Texas, I know this is hard hard hard right now. When I first moved out 1 1/2 months ago I couldn't get out fast enough and I was really resentful. Maybe still harboring a little resentment for spending my 4 day weekend cleaning and moving all on my own! BUT that aside I know the initial seperation is VERY hard and then it's hard to know what to say and what not to say what boundaries to put in place regarding seeing the kids, who's paying what bill and what to do if no one is and I could go on and on like this. BUT let me tell you it's VERY easy to get used to the peace and SERENITY and stability of being alone.
Speaking of alone I told my AH the other day that I used to be resentful that I always got 'left' with the kids like they were all my responsibility (maybe still a little smidgen resentful) BUT I said I sure am glad that I have them to fill up my time and thoughts because otherwise I would be TOTALLY ALONE (as he is). So its a burden but also a blessing. That was important for me to see because that was one of the things that really bothered me that he never assumed that he had any responsibility to deal with the kids it was always assumed that I would take care of EVERYTHING. Now I do but I sure am glad I'm not all alone and sad and bored with myself.
That'll hit her within a few weeks I bet the loneliness of it all.
I am sorry for the trouble you are having! I know it must be painful to watch the one you love walk out the door, but there will be peace and serenity at home now.
My a husband has been sober for a couple of months--but even sober he still doesn't see things in what I think is a rational manner! I keep thinking one day he will, one day he will understand--the light will come on and all will change. I know--crazy of me!
I just hope you continue to have peace with your boundaries and she doesn't try to hard to make you feel bad or guilty. Take care of you. I wish you luck.
You sound so strong. You hit the nail on the head when you said this is dramatic but not mortal. I know it hurts really really bad, but this could be the best thing you have done (in love) for her. She will be alone to face the disease. I read I think in Getting Them Sober, what is more important, your relationship or them being alive? It really makes you think....
I am so proud of you for your stick-to-it-iveness today. I know your heart is breaking. Stay strong and it is NOT the end of the world, though it feels like it is. I keep telling myself that, too. It is just change, and it is so uncomfortable. It may be a great change for right now, just today. I so admire your boundaries, it is not in me just yet to set them so I see your progress and it really really helps. Thanks for that, and hang in there.... you and your sons and your wife are in my prayers today...
Woah! Heart wrenching emotional drama! This too shall pass. Keep focused on your goal and ignore the rest. It is much like kicking a dead horse though isn't it. Get sober then and we will talk about it...how do u keep from retaliating with that line? Your strength, courage and patience are so admirable. You are going to be just fine.
One thing that was said to me after I'd been in the program for a while by a very honest alanon was -- you can't work this program to get them sober. No matter what you do, say, act or react will make them want sobriety. It's so hard this powerlessness, but we are. They have to want it, no matter how much we want it for them. Allowing them to reach their bottom is painful to watch. It takes a lot of love.
One thing I see you doing isn't much different from what your A is doing. She's saying if you want me to stay all you need to do is... and then you are saying if you want to stay all you need to do is... Please take this in the kindness that it is offered. As hard as it is, turn it over, take care of yourself beyond what she does, allow your HP (and hers) to take care of those things that you can't.
You said, "I had to tell her twice today that she should not be disapointed when I don't say or do anything to stop her." Remember that actions speak louder than words, you don't have to tell her this, let your actions speak for themselves.
I know this is so hard for you. You and your wife are in my prayers.
I admittedly had to smile when I saw the subject line, although as you said, it's not really funny.
I can see an Alanon in that scene..."All I need is my serenity, a bit of strength and a load of detachment" ...and maybe this ashtry.
I agree with Luna, you don't need to say anything. Not speaking says it all. Remember, this is her journey. The less she gets from you, the more she will stand on her own and know that these have been her decisions.
Keep it up! Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
(((rtexas)))) you are doing a great job, of taking care of yourself, and the family, in my opinion.
Sometimes, separation is very painful, but necessary. I know earlier this year, when my AH walked out the door, and was gone for 7 weeks, and made no move to contact me, nor I him, and I wasn't even sure where he was staying, and I didn't go looking for him, was the hardest thing I've ever done. But it had to be done. I had begged him before to stay, on other occasions when he walked out. This time I didn't. I didn't call and ask when he was coming home/coming by/didn't he love me....etc. And that made a world of difference, I think.
Well, he didn't get sober, I don't even know if he gave it a shot while he was gone. But, I did use the time to my advantage. I got a lot of rest, I read everything I could get my hands on about alcoholism, Al-Anon, AA. I studied the posts on this board, I talked in chat, I went to meetings online. I tried very hard to concentrate on myself and not on him anymore. It was hard for me to do that when he was home, and I was constantly worried about saying or doing the wrong thing. Even a wrong look from me brought down wrath from him. I lived in constant agony of a barrage of words from him berating me for something or the other.
So, I let him go. And eventually, after 7 weeks, he decided to come home. I do not know what he did during the time he was gone. I assume he stayed with the A couple he is friends with. They always let him stay there, and welcome him as part of their family, and they just all drink and drink together. One. Big. (Un)happy. (un)Family.
I don't see it that you are doing what she is doing. She is wanting you to stop her, but you are setting boundaries for you and the kid(s) that you don't want drinking and the chaos that surrounds it in your home. You have an 11 year old, that I know of, and your wife doesn't seem capable of being a safe parent right now. We gotta take care of our babies first and foremost. After all, you are not forcing her to move, she is doing that on her own. She is trying to make you feel bad for her moving. I know I have been VERY quilty of (in the past, before Al-Anon taught me better) trying to make my husband feel sorry for me. I thought then, he would change his ways, or his mind, or whatever. Things don't work that way, do they?
When this is all over, and she has her apartment, give yourself some time to rest. The first night in your peaceful house, make yourself a nice dinner (or order in!) and put on whatever music relaxes you. Take a bubble bath (well, guys can take bubble baths too!)....just make sure you rinse the flowery-smell off before you go to work in the morning so people won't look at you weird. Make a cup of hot tea and take it to bed with you. Read until you fall asleep. That's my recipe for a calm night.
Keep up the good work. You have been more than nice to her. Now it's time to be nice to you.
What it sounds like you're really wondering dear is "I thought by being a recovering person our lives were gonna get better. I thought by being a sane person in the insanity, things were gonna get calmer. I thought by being the 'adult' in this situation things would get okay again. That I would have my wife back. The kids would have their mother back. That we would have our family back."
A proverb from a Buddist reading: A king challenged one of his wisemen to define wisdom and to differentiate between it and knowledge. "Sire," said the wiseman, "Knowledge is the understanding of experience and it's worth in a situation," The king took this in and replied, "So does that mean that man is on the same level of beast of field and bird of sky?" "Not at all, sire," his wiseman responded, "Whereas beast of field and bird of sky learn from their experiences and use them for their gain, their experiences are limited--they will use their gains for their living. Man, however, has the option of using his experiences to learn about himself in a way that he can better himself and serve others."
What pain it sounds like you are in, rtx. What pain I hear, also, your family is in. Your wife seeks someone to stop her from her insanity, failing to realize the only person she can truly depend on to stop her from herself is in the mirror. Your children have already lost their mother, and now are losing her again. She, like the animal's that the king's wiseman spoke of, is using her knowledge in a very limited manner--since she isn't getting the responses she wants from the person she wants them from, she'll go to a different place, be with different people, and attempt to get the responses she wants from them. It's important to realize that she may not get the responses she wants, dear rtx. She may never get what she wants. But now is not the time to focus on her (which is like asking the dutch boy to hold back the ocean with his finger, isn't it?)
Now, believe it or not, is the time to embrace reality, bitter pill as she may be. Like the wiseman suggested, wisdom shall come of this. You shall see how this experience will broaden you (in time, of course). And you shall see that of all the things to happen, this was not the end of the world. And, as bump found out when his beloved spouse went into the homeless shelter, it will give you time to work your program, attend to the other priorites in your life that have been pushed aside because of the alcholism, and to learn what my sponsor has often said to me: "For every human problem, there is a spiritual solution found in the steps via your higher power."
I am sorry you are having to go threw this. I have had personal experience with my A leaving but my A was asked to leave by me. I just try and remember when I have a really bad day and the walls seem to be closing in on me I try to and do something extra special for me. Even if doing something for me is something seems out of reach. I know that is when I need to do it the most.
Hello Rt , wow talk about insanity ? any doubt that this is a 3 fold disease , mental , physical and spiritual . It truly is sad that things have to be happening this way and I feel for you but perfectly understand your decission . I did the same tho after a separation it was sober and AA or stay where u are I am going to be okay.
Some people tell me that was control , maybe for me it was the biggest and hardest boundary I had ever set in m y life I knew I could not live with active alcoholism again . Period I had no motives that was bottom line for me.
Hang in there believe it or not This Too Shall Pass. Louise
You gave me a huge laugh. I "got" the topic line right away. I'm a huge Steve Martin fan. I've been thinking the same thing as I've been separating and packing mine and my A/CH husband's belongings! A little humor is a welcome thing to me these days!
Take care of you...
Artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
Make a cup of hot tea and take it to bed with you. Read until you fall asleep. That's my recipe for a calm night.