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Someone posted last week about A's and druggies getting on a moral high horse or thinking they know better what to do in all situations etc. I just wanted to revisit that. My A last weekend took the kids to the beach (first time he's been alone with them anywhere ever that I can remember) and calls me to say that I shouldn't be having the 12 year old cook for the others because she doesn't make vegetables for them. At first I was outraged that he would question my grand mothering skills (LOL) and then slightly defensive and then I remembered that post so I said.......
I don't think that it is your place to tell me what is good or bad for them when you can't even take care of yourself. When you have a house with power and running water and can have them come over then you can feed them whatever you want, until then I don't want to hear it. I felt pretty good about that.
You know, I'm glad I posted this because just thinking to myself about when was the last time he took all 3 of them somewhere and I was alone? Makes me realize that I don't think he ever has. Pretty sad huh? ----another reason I like being seperated more than living with him------
I remember being so affected and defensive and reactive to statements the alcoholic and addict made that caused me to rise up in anger. I hated it!! I hated loosing the peace of mind and serenity just when the phone rang or even when it didn't because I was living in my pain and resentment all the time...even when it wasn't necessary. I was sooooo sick. Then one evening at my home group meeting one of the members mentioned reading something from the AA "Big Book" a previous edition from page 449 where a doctor named Paul discovered that, "And acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today." When I got into the acceptance of my situation and that I was powerless over everything and everyone around me I didn't need to fight it anymore. I didn't need to justify, defend, argue, blame, stay on the phone, play the victim, dance with rage or react to "triggers" that relieved me of my sanity even when I didn't want it to happen. I hated being controled at any and all times by events outside of myself so I adopted the slogan "Don't react" as one of my prime slogans. With it I can stop myself from rising to the occasion. I learned from my sponsor that when I get angry at any person, place or thing I give control of myself over to that person, place or thing...that I have not accepted. This is what I wanted soooo bad because I hated being under the control and being the victim of __________.
Yeah people and especially it seems the alcoholic ride a high horse and it can only be with my permission that "I let" them get to me. I didn't have to "one up" her, I didn't have to "win" the arguement. I didn't even have to argue at all. I learned what I later called a "sneaky" tatic with the alcoholic when she called which was to ask her if the call was going to be one of "those" types of calls; "scrappy, crappy" calls or was she looking to take some of "her" anger out on someone? She never said that it would be that type of call, (who would?) and I told her that if I thought it was I would hang up (no threat just information). I set the boundary and I prealerted the alcoholic as to how I would respond, (I kept my power for myself). The anger and fear started to go away and this is what I do today in all aspects of my relationships. I don't do fear very well. I get aggressive. I don't do anger well, I get more angry. I don't do openmindedness and respect very well when I feel I am being attacked. If I just react I feel I am always being attacked even when it may not be true and the other person gets put on "egg shells" without suspecting what they are "doing wrong". Yes I can do the very same unacceptable things to others that I am afraid of having done to me.
Thanks for your share and the memories of what it use to be like, what I have learned and what its like today.
You go girl!! That gradiouse attitude that A's tend to get when their using drive me crazy too. My A has gotten so much better in taking the kids out for a day or just to school, but when he was using I never trusted him to drive them anywhere and he never offerred. Keep up that positive mental attitude.
Living Life One Day At A Time,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I thought I had down the mode of being cool, calm, and collected and I think I got it back after losing my temper big time twice this month. First it was with my AH earlier this month when the anger,resentment,etc. that I stuffed for years just came busting out of me (no kids around). Honestly, it made me feel better to let it out on him though I did feel bad about some of what I said. Then, a few nights ago my sister called me up and proceded to blow up at me big time over something trivial that happened at the business we help run. I was shocked but it was the second time she's done this to me. Before I sat back,upset and near tears because she was screaming at me with a tone she has never,ever used toward me. Well, this time I was right back at her only because I figured this was a fight we needed to have. She belittles me in front of the young workers, she has become condescending and patronizing, talking to me as though I were a child and as though I was stupid. This is deep seated - we are the adult children of an alcoholic mother. My sister is vaguely aware that her bitter feelings toward me and our older sister stems from the fact that we left her alone with our 2 younger brothers to cope with hell. And she was only 12 yrs. herself. The truth is that our sister and I left home to go to college and we not only didn't understand alcoholism, we also thought our father would be there taking care of them. What he did though, was leave the kids alone with our A mother when she was drunk - he'd go for a drive or something. So my screaming sister still holds anger from all those years ago and has never gone to Al-Anon and sees no reason to since the active alcoholism is no longer there. What happened during our young lives is not my fault or anyone else's. My sister's anger still exist somewhere down in her whether she recognizes it or not ( I think she does) and it shows itself in the way she treats me. Well, I blew up at her the other night and screamed back at her which she never expected from me. I would not let her talk over me and after she let me know what bothered her about me at work, I did the same. This call ended with me telling her that now that we knew how our behaviors bothered us, we caould call it water under the bridge and turn over a new leaf the next day. Then I told her I was hanging up - and I did. Now, I am definitely not saying that the way I've screamed this month is the way to go - it isn't. But for me, this spitting out was just a way to finally get it over with (rugged as it was). I told someone close to me that from now on I will not engage in any "talk" like that again and that no one will get to me like that - "let's piss her off and watch her flip out. Just what we want to see". I can remain cool, calm and collected and go on about my business without being dragged down by other people's misery. And I mean it. But I love my sister and one day she and I will have a long, good talk about those old days and I will hug her and let her know how sorry I am that she suffered so and that I love her......jaja
