The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I did get away for Friday and Saturday night. I almost changed my mind at the last minute, got really sad Friday at work and canceled the reservations where I was going to go. I just wanted to be home, whether AH was drunk or not, there or not, just wanted to pine away in my bed. It would not have been good.
I got a second wind and ended up going to another little spiritual town, that has natural springs you can drink in seven spots, it also has a wonderful place called Garden of the Gods, with red rocks that are amazingly beautiful. I shopped a little, got some candles and incense, met a really nice woman and we had one of those talks where it was deep within minutes and she told me the best thing to do in a situation like mine was to just SNAP, cut the ties. She said it was the best thing she ever did when she did it, and there is such peace in being alone in your own space.
I cried, and let that sink in a little. Walked around town a little, went back to the motel and talked to a good friend in TX for 2 hours, about other things besides my situation. Then I got up at 4:00 a.m. and just wanted to be with him. I drove home early, obsessing and thinking someone would be in bed with him. There he was, alone. I just wanted to snuggle with him.
I read Debilyn's last post and it just made my heart hurt. How can I leave this man who I have shared so much with? We have cried together, had so much fun together, raised two kids together? It is a weird place to be so in between leaving and staying, so I am doing nothing. Always I wonder if it would save his life if I left, for him to be brought to his knees and finally ask for help. To be whole again, and most of all to be HAPPY. He cries every night now when he comes home drunk, just sobs. Says the devil is after him, is in him.
I am going to meetings all this week, AA and Alanon. I can't revolve around his disease anymore. We hold each other at night and I thank God for the good nights we do have, which are few these days. Thanks for the love and wisdom here. I am feeling better, and it does help, this program. I am beginning to feel joy again, without worrying about what he does so much anymore.
Been there several times, never drank from the springs though. There is definitely something very spiritual about that whole place though isn't there and the people are very deep and friendly (my MIL used to live there). I think that is definitely a place of serenity!
What a caring post. I don't know if I like the word limbo. I have used it alot, but some of the best things in my life have happened just after I was stuck in limbo for awhile.
You know I have felt that way quite a bit lately. The trigger for me to leave that in-between place would not be the trigger for anyone else I am sure. But have faith that you will know it when you see it.
In the mean time, consider this. Limbo sounds like a place where you float weightless doing nothing. You are far from doing nothing. You are growing, and taking time for you, and getting better every day. I can see it.
I think the A's in our lives are in their own version of hell. For some it may not show to the outside, but I have watched my Dad, my Uncle and now my wife take a journey to the same place. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I am glad you can feel the good times, they help me to remember that the one I love so much is in there somewhere.
Take care of you and don't feel like you are behind in your recovery... I did that for awhile, but my sponsor reminded me that is not reality. We are where we are, and we try to do better every day. One day at a time with no progress reports.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Your post and the responses are all supportive Thanks!! Limbo is okay. Patience and being still and listening is trusting in HP and the program and being open minded to guidance from people, places and things outside of myself who doesn't have answer at that time. I need my limbos to meditate and pray and feel good about trusting when I don't know and know I don't know but there is one much bigger than myself and it all that does and that I will be okay. Limbo is where I can hear the experiences and beliefs of others and understand that I can listen to them without "just" doing without understanding. rtexas mentions that limbo sounds like "a place where you float weightless doing nothing." Opposed to what I used to do and use to think about what I had to do (which is everything about everything) Limbo sounds like a waiting room to heaven huh? could be...
I read your post with the picture that you are being a part of the process and solution and that though you hate the disease you are no longer afraid of it. I am touched by your understanding and compassion and your courage to continue with your recovery. I used to follow recovering people like you around when I first got into the Family Groups because it was what you had that I wanted and for their willingness to give it away and teach me I will be forever grateful. You seem to have arrived at that place where it is usual to hate the disease and love the alcoholic.
