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Went to f2f tonight and a guy asked me how long would it take you to trust your husband again? I thought and at first said it would depend on the situation, if he was a few hours late getting home is one thing, if he doesn't come home all night that's another. But then I said before I can trust that he's doing the right thing and not wrong, possibly never. I will always have that thought in my mind that he is about to drop the ball. If he was an hour late getting home and didn't answer the phone it was research time. I don't think I will ever get to the point where I believe that it won't happen again and fully trust. I said I have learned that I can trust that whatever happens to/for/with him is meant to be and will work out for the best but I can't say that I trust him as an individual. Any other thoughts on this subject?
I asked myself the same question so many times. My A/CH H lied to me about so many things. I don't trust him and I'm not sure I ever will again. When I was still living with him at our house, I had to keep my purse and anything else of importance well hidden. Sometimes I even slept with my purse under one of my pillows! At one point, he started telling me that he shouldn't have to "earn" my trust back. It was MY problem that I didn't trust him! We had this conversation many times. He still doesn't get it.
For me, once the trust is gone... the marriage just isn't the same.
Take care of you...
Artygirl
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
I know for myself it wasn't a matter of learning how to trust my a, but rather realizing that he has the disease of alcoholism that could and eventually in his case did rear it's ulgy head again. I learned to lovingly detach and allow him his choices and embraced the opportunity to allow myself choices for me. Learning how to make healthy decisions for myself as well as finally gaining the understanding that his disease had nothing to do with me personally.... that the disease of alcoholism doesn't take the time to learn names or personalities, it simply cuts to the throat and destroys anything in it's path that doesn't learn how to take care of themselves. Acceptance has taken me a long way in my journey. Today I still have moments when the ulgy disease of alcoholism rears it's ulgy head in a conversation with my ex ah but it also only takes me a moment to recognize what it is I am truly dealing with and relax my defense system enough to not take him personal which gives me the space to walk away gracefully without berating him or getting ulgy myself.
I've been thinking about this issue the last few days. not so much about my A because I know now from watching with open eyes that he lies to everyone, and looking back over the years it does not matter if he was sober or not. Last night we had a conversation and he flat out said "by nature I am a liar". I do not believe I could ever trust him again, lying is his adrenaline drug of choice when he is not using anything else. There is something about telling a lie that completes his cycle of addiction, it is not a byproduct of it.
What I have really been thinking about is how to trust ANYONE again. I know that everyone in my life has lied to me at one point or another about something. Sometimes for good reasons, sometimes not. What I am trying to do now is make a short list of who in my life I can trust completely, who I know even if they lie to me it is not for thier own gain or for my pain. There are people I can believe would never lie to hurt me. In my situation my A is not one of them. Sad as it sounds I am happy to know I am growing by accepting this and will hopefully find a balance between giving people a chance and protecting myself.
Trust is a great subject!! It is something I never did well or at all for all of the reasons stated here and then the consequence of not trusting for me was isolation, loneliness and all the other emotional, mental, physical, moral etc etc things that result. Then I had to confront the issue with my program sponsor and counselor. What happened was that I learned that I should not trust others for something that they cannot come thru on. I can't trust my alcoholic to behave non-alcoholicly (?) (Can't trust my spelling) I should not trust her to tell the truth when she was too afraid to do so or was feeling much to much guilt and shame to even face that by herself. She lied like hell and I found out why she did by looking at the reasons why I lied to others. So how do I trust myself? The good old forth and tenth steps help. I look at the amends I have made in my life and behaviors I no longer use to duck responsibilty and accountability. Those places where I need improvement such as procrastination? I trust that I will usually fall into it and that it is more rare for me to be prompt. I get to practice change and when I change for the better my self trust grows. I do this with others also. When a person in my family of orgin or my Al-Anon Family makes positive changes I get to expand my trust in them.
I have a few sponsees that have made major recovery gains and on who I can trust to be equally supportive of/for me as our relationship continues. I have other sponsees who have made minor/complacent changes and while I have hope that they will grow more I would not put responsibilities or expectations upon them that they could not come thru on. I know from the experience of our relationship what I can rely on and not.
Trust him as the man you married or trust the disease and what it is doing to him? My AH is in recovery and has 5 months sobriety. I've always trusted the man I married. I will never trust his disease. Having said that, I don't look for bottles anymore or do all the crazy stuff I use too. The first month was hard because he was sick and some of his symptoms mimicked his drunken behavior. But as I went to my meetings and AA meetings with him, I came to realize an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. Nothing I can do about it. We are also very independent people. I think that has helped us more so this time around, than when he first went to rehab 2 years ago. I've turned him over to his HP and that's all I can do.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kittty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I think the problem here is not so much that we cannot trust, but that our definition of "trust" sometimes has very little to do with reality. Reality is, no one can ever trust anyone else to never ever hurt them. That's not what trust is, not what it's for. Even the most trustworthy, the most loyal, the very best person in the world will hurt you sometimes. They will say or do something that gives you pain, if they are honest with you - nothing in life is all roses. If nothing else, someday they will die and leave you. Pain is inevitable in human relationships.
This doesn't mean that we don't have relationships, then. It means that we accept the possibility (the certainty) of pain, and grasp the good that loving another person gives us.
So the question we need to ask ourselves is not "Can I trust him?" but rather "Is it worth it?". Is the joy that I am getting out of loving this person right here right now worth the chances that he might bring me pain, when I look at the possibility realisitically? If it isn't, then it seems the person who we can't trust to look out for our best interests is not the A, but ourselves.
So the question we need to ask ourselves is not "Can I trust him?" but rather "Is it worth it?".
Hi everyone, My name is Erin and I'm new to this fellowship. I really identify with so much of what all of you have written on this subject of trust. I'm going through all of it right now. My A/CH husband has recently relapsed and is in throws of his disease. It's amazing how quickly all of the craziness comes back and extends to every aspect of our life together.
I'm going through so much pain right now... feeling betrayed, offended and ridden with distrust. I really know and understand that it's not about me, it's all his own sh*t that makes him act and react the way he does, but I really can't help but feel personally assulted.
We have a three month old daughter now. When is it going to end? Anytime I've started to feel like we've reached a point of normalcy, like things are really ok - he has some time, he's handling life and so am I - then things come crashing down.
He's a few hours late - I worry. I feel less capable as a mother when I'm ridden with angst. When he doesn't come home at all... I just hate him right now. I feel as though he has choosen the drug over his wife and child. I can't look at him without picturing him cuddled up with his pipe and lighter in a crackhouse somewhere. I'm disgusted with him. So when the question comes to mind "will I ever trust him again?" I come to the other, even more baffling question "If I can, is it even worth it?"
I really just want to revert to my 16 year old self where I had no real responsibilities and was taken care of, myself. I need help - I need hope.
Hey Erin, I know EXACTLY what you mean I often prayed for it to just go away, my husband was a binger so months of normalcy would go by and then one day he's just not there on time. I not only hear you I feel it!
Thanks so much for saying that lin. That was exactly what I needed to hear. Is it worth it? I guess the point is I know I can't trust him completely EVER but is it worth it to be with someone you can't trust? Thanks!
That's how I am dealing with my daughter (who has been clean and sober since November of last year). In January, she asked me when I would trust her again. My answer was, "don't know - I just know I need time - and a lot of it. I have seen you use for nearly 10 years, I won't be able to trust again overnight."
What has helped me is the fact that she trusts me.
Now, when she gets scared/frustrated, she comes and talks to me about whatever IT is. I stay calm and help her see different options to deal with IT. She often comes up with additional options on how to handle IT.
I let her know how proud of her each time she deals with an issue without reaching for alcohol or drugs. Even if she picks an option that doesn't work out - I still tell her that I'm proud of her for trying to work through IT.
I have to admit that I am still scared that a problem or issue that will come up that will cause her to use again, but I keep that to myself. In the meantime, I appreciate each day - one day at a time. I count each of these days as blessings (for her and I).
