The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Fears are the greatest enemy of our individual potential. They keep us in place in our lives and stop us from being everything we could be. Everyone knows how it feels to be afraid. To be afraid is a normal, human characteristic. In fact, the more you develop your intelligence, the more things you have to fear.
As young children, we don't have all the fears we have as adults. This is because our understanding is limited and our perception doesn?t really extend very far. Children have simple fears, such as the 'fear of monsters' or 'fear of the dark'. As we grow into adults, we lose these simple fears and we develop more complex fears, such as a 'fear of commitment' or 'fear of confrontation'.
The emotion of fear is caused by thinking about what you don't want to happen. In every situation, there is the potential for success and for failure. You will only start to experience fear whenever you think MORE about the bad potential result than the good.
Often this type of negative-focus thinking becomes a habit, and eventually a constant state of worry. Worriers live with a barrage of negative 'what ifs' just below the surface. If you are a worrier by nature, it is generally because you are always thinking of the possible negative outcomes and dwelling on them continually.
To overcome our fears and build our self-confidence requires one essential ingredient: courage.
What is Courage?
Despite what you may have heard, courage is not the opposite of fear; rather it is acting despite our fears. Courage is taking an action when we can't guarantee the outcome. It is risking the worst in order to achieve the best.
There are many ways that you make yourself into a more courageous person. In fact, you may already be showing the virtue of being courageous in different parts of your life; and you might not have recognized it before.
Here are the best ways to act courageously in your life:
Dreaming Big Dreams
The first form of courage is probably the most under-appreciated. It is the act of 'dreaming' for a better life. Before you set a goal, you must first 'dare to dream'. Many people find the practice of dreaming extremely scary. This is because by expressing our dreams, (and working towards them) we are essentially risking failure. If you have ever been labeled a 'dreamer' by the people around you, then perhaps you are very courageous in this way.
Making a Commitment
The second form of courage is making a total commitment to things in your life, to whatever you decide to do. Any one who achieves any form of success in their life will have displayed this form of courage. It requires that we work towards things that often have no guarantee of success. We first commit ourselves to an outcome, and then the outcome arrives.
Moving out of our Comfort Zone
A third type of courage is the willingness to stretch yourself and move out of your comfort zone. It takes tremendous courage to move yourself into a state of discomfort. Moving out of your comfort zone can mean feeling awkward, clumsy, overwhelmed and embarrassed. Sometimes it feels easier to stay as you are than to risk the pain of discomfort. However to grow and develop yourself, it is an absolutely essential characteristic. You need to be willing to move yourself onwards and upwards towards your goals and ambitions. You need to be willing to face your discomfort and work through it.
Stepping out in Faith
The fourth form of courage is the willingness to step out in faith. Much like the courage to make a commitment, the ability to step out in faith is an integral form of courage that all successful people possess. It means you have the courage to begin something - a relationship, a business, a family - without the guarantee that it will all work perfectly.
Of course, stepping out in faith can cause you a lot of frustration and failures. Yet if you are willing to look upon the setbacks as learning experiences and valuable lessons, you'll find yourself less afraid to launch again the next time you need to step out in faith.
Risking Failure
The fifth form of courage is the willingness to risk failure. Often the idea of failing at something is enough to scare us into stopping. However if you are serious about achieving your full potential, then there will be times when you need to risk failure to achieve success.
An excellent way to overcome the fear of failure is to write down the worst possible outcomes in a fearful situation. Once you have determined what the worst outcome is, you can decide whether you?re willing to risk it happening. Decide whether the chance of success is worth having to endure the worst possible outcome.
Facing your Fears
The sixth way to be courageous is to face your fears. Most of us have 'pet fears' that seem to plague us more than other people. Some of these fears are not worth worrying about, however others must be overcome for us to reach our goals. For example, if you are scared of asking people for help, then you are disadvantaged compared to someone who is willing to ask. The secret to facing your fears is to simply keep facing them. As Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote "Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain". This isn't easy and it requires a lot of direct courage, but it is a powerful secret to growing past your fears.
Admitting your Mistakes
The seventh form of courage is the practice of admitting your mistakes. This is a really tough one; and many of us would rather leave town than to admit we've made a mistake in our lives. Often we're conditioned to act as though we have it all together. This of course is a total fallacy, as no person ever has it all together. We are all doing the best we can with what we've got.
If there is an area of your life where you feel you have made a mistake - whether it be in a relationship, a bad career choice or something else - then you must have the courage to admit it. If there is something in your life you're doing that you'd rather not - then have the courage to face it and stop doing it. This is particularly important in relationships, where we often feel a duty to stay in a relationship because of the other person's feelings. If you know you've made a mistake in your relationship, then it is better to end it and move on with you life. It's a tough call to make - yet essential for true happiness.
Don't be afraid to cut your losses; to admit a failure and bail out. Be willing to put failed actions aside and move onto something new. This is a mark of real courage and personal power.
Being Willing to Make Mistakes
The eighth form of courage is the willingness to make mistakes. This is very closely related to moving out of your comfort zone. Successful people are not those who necessarily make the right decisions all the time; rather they make their decisions right. This means that they learn from mistakes, adjust their actions accordingly and keep going. They are willing to make mistakes because they know they can gain a learning experience from every failure.
Accepting Complete Responsibility
The ninth form of courage is the acceptance of responsibility for yourself and your life. As we develop from a child into an adult, there must come a point where we take full responsibility for ourselves and our results in life. If we continue to be dependant on others (parents, partner, boss, the government) for our success in life, we cannot hope to go very far.
You must take ownership of the results in your life. If you succeed or fail at something you must accept that it was of your making. Again this takes tremendous courage to look deep inside yourself and accept. But your true potential is waiting on the other side of self-responsibility.
Being Patient and Persistent
The tenth form of courage is known as 'courageous patience'. It takes guts and determination to wait for results, and to persist when other people have given up. Persistence is the quality that will ultimately bring you success in your endeavors. Once you start towards a goal, remain calm and confident until you get results. Have the courage to follow your convictions through and the results will surely come.
The Payoff
When you take time to practice some of the ideas we have discussed, you will become more positive and self-confident. You'll also gain more control over your life.
A great deal of life's problems can be solved by acting courageously. Many of these suggestions may already be a part of your way of life. If this is the case, then you are already building the power of courage into your life. Whenever you face a challenge, or you feel the fear beginning to rise up, be sure to face it with a deep breath and large dose of courage.
I agree with a lot of the passages but not that children have simple fears. As a child I was fearful that my parents would strike me or each other or one of my brothers and sisters. I was fearful that I would go to school dirty or in dirty clothes or that I might end up somewhere and have no way to get home. I was fearful that the neighbors would see my father drunk and that my father might kill himself or someone else driving drunk. I was fearful once I found out there was no Santa Claus there would be hardly any more xmas presents. I was fearful that no one would remember my birthday and even if they did I wouldn't get a present. I was fearful that other kids would make fun of me because I was poor and because I had to wear corrective brown boot-shoes. I was fearful that other children would make fun of the dirty clothes I wore and find out I didn't have any underwear or pajamas. I was fearful that my friends would see my father drunk or my mother walking around like a bag lady because she was mentally ill.
