The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After giving it some thought about my part in the things going on in my life (thank you Christy ) I've come to a few conclusions... the biggest one is the day of my last post I was finding it very easy to blame my A. I spoke the truth, I am in many ways the way I am because of the affects of my A but (this is a good but) He's not the reason I continue to be the way I am. That is definately something to work on. It's much easier to point the finger at someone/something else than it is to work on yourself.
Another thing, I know my post sounded so cold regarding my A. When I spoke of him crying, please understand this was the crying in your beer kind of cry....something that just turns my compassion to stone. Again something I need to work on, he's sick.
This weekend was interesting. My A showed up for my daughters soccer game, the first time this season and it's about over. He went on w/ us to the bowling alley for a while. hmmmm don't know what to say other than I just did my thing but found it hard with him there. On the way out I told him of our plans to go to the theme park and if he wanted to come he could, he said he didn't think he'd be up to it. Which was fine by me. Then he called later saying He'd go, to pick him up on the way. Okay, again I planned to do my thing -- it would be what it would be.
The weather was great, my brother and his wife were tons of fun. We all got to split up and do things we wanted. My daughter loves the coasters, my son the traditional rides, especially the vintage car ride . My brother asked his wife to take all the kids since she hates coaster and he convinced me to try the "Borg Assimilator" -- YIKES, okay, now my daughter couldn't ride this one. You sit in it then it reclines so that you are lying flat and it takes you up a hill head first on your back -- you cannot tell when the drop is coming and it does all kinds of twists and loops of which are over water and you are lying facing down and the only thing holding you in the seat is the harness. It was AWSOME .... I've never been on a ride like that, it was so cool. So the kid came out in me and my brother and I took off to do several other coasters ... we had a blast, the kids had a blast and I think my A did too, but it was a little long for him.
After, we all had dinner together then headed home. On the way home the kids started hollering they needed to make a pit stop....This is where I said a little prayer, "God your will not mine" Since my A left, my children have not been to "his place" (which was our place for seven year and then our rental house for 5) The kids know the house, but they were little when we lived there but had often been there when I cleaned it to re-rent it. So I took a deep breath and just pulled up and cut the car off and we went it. That was an experience. This is a really nice house, I put my heart and soul in to remodeling it (all the way down to the studs). Now the A has made out that he is "just getting by" ...... not true. So I let the kids ramble and we step out side and I just said I'm ready for this to be over....and I am. I also told him I would not back down about the kids coming to him if he were still drinking. That our "pit stop" didn't change that. One thing I'm grateful for is that they are two yrs older and not 6/8. Age makes a difference.
When the kids and I got home, I told them if they wanted to talk they could. Not too much was said, my son said flattly "I don't feel sorry for him" -- I asked him had he been feeling that way, he said "no, but I really don't now." My daughter asked if he was seeing other women. All I could say to that was your father says he's not, but I don't know what he does with his time. Then I ask them both that from what they saw, could they see why I didn't allow them to go over there. (meaning the two dozen beer cans on the counter and an empty liquer bottle) they said yes. Then I asked them if they understood that their father had no intentions of coming home....that about broke my heart. They are facing their own reality, but I have to let them.
So my conclusion to all this, is as I back away and start my life the A wants more contact.... he's already e-mailed me twice today and says he'll be at the soccer game Tues. night. But he only wants to keep it where he's comfortable, the double life kind of thing. No more. So I have to work my program twice as hard, to keep myself sane and to help me keep taking the right next step. This no longer has anything to do w/ him, it's got to do with what is best for me.
Keep me in your prayers, lol, we have a boyscout camp out next weekend, the A plans to attend. So sad, it's all for show or affect.
Well, let's face it... it's easy to blame them for everything. I did to for a while.
I found that blaming my AW was harder to do when I realized that blaming her was hurting my feelings. Did I say that right?
This may get a little sexist for a second but bare with me. The pain I feel from her being in pain is worse for me than the pain caused because of her addiction. I didn't feel that way with my ASon. Didn't feel that way about my Dad either, or my Uncle....
So long story short, I had to really look for my peice in this early on, because my sanity was leaving me. Leaving me because I accepted the responsability for making her happy and was really trying and it was not working. I had to know why.
The things I was doing to try and be her prince charming was allowing her to get sicker. The very first time I read the Merry-go-round named denial, I knew it.
I think noticing your part in the circus is very healing. Made me mad at myself for awhile, but after I recognized it, I was able to understand and just forgive myself for being ignorant of it. You know?
I think you are doing great and as always, my opinions are just that, mine. Just thought I would throw that out there. I am so glad you are part of my new family!
You really made me want to go ride a roller coaster!!! That sounds like great fun! Hope you and the kids get to do alot more of that!
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
It sounds like your A has come to the conclusion that his kids need parents. But he doesn't realize that a sober parent is necessary. And possible. And since the concept of being both parent and sober is painful in every sense of the word, he's trying to control his outer world--his inners are shot.
I'm so glad that you had a good weekend. Aren't brothers great ... mine can get me going even when I feel stuck in reverse. Not to mention get me to do things I prolly would not do without he knowing he has me covered. LOL
Your conversation with your children shows me how special of a Mom you are. And how special your kids are too.
) I've come to a few conclusions... the biggest one is the day of my last post I was finding it very easy to blame my A. I spoke the truth, I am in many ways the way I am because of the affects of my A but (this is a good but) He's not the reason I continue to be the way I am. That is definately something to work on. It's much easier to point the finger at someone/something else than it is to work on yourself.
. My brother asked his wife to take all the kids since she hates coaster and he convinced me to try the "Borg Assimilator" -- YIKES, okay, now my daughter couldn't ride this one. You sit in it then it reclines so that you are lying flat and it takes you up a hill head first on your back -- you cannot tell when the drop is coming and it does all kinds of twists and loops of which are over water and you are lying facing down and the only thing holding you in the seat is the harness. It was AWSOME .... I've never been on a ride like that, it was so cool. So the kid came out in me 