The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have learned that just because an A gets sober doesn't mean that everything is magically changed. My A still struggles with old behavior patterns. He's stubborn and strong willed. He gets into these power struggles with me or with other people over issues that could be better used as compromises. I have learned through working this program that when he gets into power struggles over everything and becomes oppositional on each subject he feels powerless over something in his life. Something he can't voice and talk out; because doing that might be too normal or feel to vulnerable or weak.
Currently we have an issue about him taking a job working 4-11pm. I have already expressed my feelings that I've done this over and over for the last three years. I'm no longer interested in doing the split shift thing. I see the benefits and the pay off for him. Home alone all day, gets to do whatever he wants, then goes to work before everyone gets home and misses dinner, clean up, bath time, and above all the most important things in life like spending time with the kids, helping me deal with them on big issues, or just redirecting them and being a role model of what family should or shouldn't look like. He pushes, I pull. I don't feel I can budge on this issue. I want a life too. Having him home the last couple of weeks has been great. We have been able to balance the work load between the home and kids, and I feel I'm getting me time. At some point again today I'll have to maybe say it in a different way that doesn't sound controlling or mean, but says lets compromise. I know I can only put it out there, after that its up to him. Choosing my battles feels difficult when the A gets into a cycle of battling every issue. I'm still learning how to have boundaries but not just surrender and sucumb to being trampled on and doing everything he says. I don't really feel like battling this issue today, but its important enough to me that I will. I'm hoping for a compromise. Thanks for letting me vent.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
You have a right to express what you need in your relationship. It does not mean that you don't want him to succeed.
If there was one trait that I could pick and have it "poof" dissappear... it would be the lack of understanding and ability to compromise.
Over the years I find that our ability to make decissions together on just about anything is gone. That is so distressing. Over finances and with the children is the hardest.
Now I am having to give myself some quite time, settle on what I think is best for me and talk with her about it. 9 times out of 10 she will fight me because it is not her idea... At least I know I didn't make a snap decission while in the throws of battle. LOL
Keep on trucking.... You are doing so great.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Aloha Twin and you got a reaction out of me with your share...for a moment there I thought you were my wife on this board. Maybe your husband/alcoholic is just afraid. period.
Could it be that you are also? I don't know and one thing I learned about mirrors in recovery was that often times what I saw others struggling with were exactly what I was doing also.
I learned something about 8 years ago from a friend not in recovery but who had worked in the system. He told me that, "The art of all negotiation is to arrive not at a yes or a no but....maybe." What a gem and that is one I use today in my family.
I certainly didn't like being in your husbands shoes. It felt nasty and I didn't like it. All I wanted to do was do my job without her inventoring my intentions, thoughts, past mistakes, value system and lack of understanding plus what ever she was holding back in fear and restment. I battled every issue because I was overwhelmed with fear and panic and I didn't know how to solve it and didn't know that I didn't know. I was suspicious of being manipulated and resistant to commit to others needs because I didn't know how or what was in it for me. I wasn't bad...I was scared.
I hated being trapped in your shoes, feeling put upon and set up, trapped and unappreciated, living in suspicion and mistrust and looking for freedom from it all for just a while. I hated trying to figure out how she was winning and getting more than me and "doing her thing" while it was costing me so much and would cost me more.
I learned that compromise means promising together and that the promise should contain stated consequences if it doesn't work whatever they come to. I learned that compromise mean't doing my part without looking over my shoulder at how she was or if she was doing her part with out a manual or rule book in my hand. I learned (from my sponsor) to focus on and know, "What is my part in anything." Cringe....She had my f u l l attention how was I to focus on myself.
Thank HP for my friend. "The art of all negotiation is to arrive not at a yes or a no but at maybe." Maybe?
