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Well, as some of you know, I had a major meltdown last week, and punched (many times) my freshly painted kitchen wall. That was on Sat., last week. It left a hole, not real big, but knuckle sized. My walls are painted green, so the white drywall really showed thru. And it is in a very noticable place, right by the hallway.
During my meltdown, and hitting the walls, my husband jumped in his truck and left. He is SO smart!
When I realized I had left a hole in the wall, I was mortified. What would he say about that! And I'm the one who thinks he acts out of line, and crazy. I have never hit a wall before, am usually calm, or if upset, I just cry. Am not a screamer/thrower/hitter.
So, I've been waiting for him to say something mean or sarcastic about the hole. This weekend, he says "there's something I've been meaning to ask you". BIG UH-OH! Here we go!
"What happened to the wall there" he says. " Umm-m-m-m I hit it" I said, very ashamed, waiting for the blaming, yelling to start coming out of his mouth.
"Oh, I just wanted to make sure I didn't do it" He says. "All it will take is a little drywall mud, and repaint it, and it will be OK." And walked away.
Hmmmmm. This disease never ceases to amaze and shock me. He usually has a much better memory than I do, even when stark raving drunk. I blame my memory loss on too much stress.
I don't even know what to say that will sound prolific or even intelligent. ROFL
I am sorry but I had to chuckle at his response to what happened. Just about the time we think we have them figured out they go do something sensible on us.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Isn't that amazing? We are so afraid about what they will think, and it sounds like your AH was pretty calm about it!!! I am sorry you had a meltdown. I have had a few this year too, including punching him in the face (I have never punched ANYONE in my life - he was one year sober and I came home and he was just wasted - I couldn't hold back. Of course I was mortified that I had hit him and thought he would hit me back immediately, but he didn't do a thing, he was like a limp noodle). It simply is so horrible the rage that this disease puts in your head.
What I'm beginning to learn that may help you is just to not expect anything wonderful or great, just probably expect the worst. Your expectations get you in big trouble. It is a real weird way to live right now, but I know that if I believe he is out somewhere drunk, he probably is. And I've been right most times, so I have to go do my own thing. As heartbreaking as that is after him being my best bud, I have to grow and explore new things. I love him with all of my heart, (as I'm sure you do your AH), but live and let live. The more you cling and expect, the worse it is.
It is such a growing, painful process, but it is slowly working for me.
GOod luck with your program, and much love and support to you and your family....
Hope that hand is healing up... and you know, walls are easy to fix.
I spend a lot of time explaning that I don't blame her, that she is a good person and that we both have mountainous issues that need to be addressed.
Can you imagine the relief he felt to know that hole he had looked at for a week is NOT one he did?
Everyone reminds me... you are where you are in your recovery, and that is exactly where you are supposed to be. No more, no less.
I think you are doing great in the midst of a really tough situation. I hope you can quickly learn why the rage hit you and forgive yourself for reacting to it. To me, that's all you can do.
"Good judgement comes from experience, Experience comes from bad judgement"
I know alot about the things I have messed up in my life 'cause I had to fix it. LOL
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Don't be too hard on yourself. Once after finding some more of my things missing (pawned) I swear my mind snapped and I walked calmly through the kitchen, stopping to grab a knife and went to the basement to stab holes in his drumset. I even told him ruin anythingmore of mine and I can ruin yours too.
I've never had a temper problem or acted in rash manners, but when our counselor asked me wouldn't have selling them or something been better? I was able to look him in the eye and say honestly, it was the first thing I had done to defend myself in years and I would do it again given the same situation.
I'm not saying it was right but boy did it feel good and even though I am ashamed of myself for it, it is also one of my most proud moments of myself. Strange huh?
Fixing your wall will be easy ... patch, sand, paint. Never hurts to learn something new.
Hmm...... one never knows what an A is going to say that's for sure. You know I'v ebeen thinking about that hole. Maybe you should put a frame around it, decorate it and use it as a learning tool. Everytime you feel the need to get angry or frankly need to laugh at your mistakes, take a look at it. If people ask what it is, tell them A Becky orginal and that you're into abstract art! Call it memory art. I have pieces of art that I have collected over the years and they are all associated with memories.
Love and blessings to you and the family. Kiss the kitties for me.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You know I'v ebeen thinking about that hole. Maybe you should put a frame around it, decorate it and use it as a learning tool. Everytime you feel the need to get angry or frankly need to laugh at your mistakes, take a look at it. If people ask what it is, tell them A Becky orginal and that you're into abstract art! 
Call it memory art. I have pieces of art that I have collected over the years and they are all associated with memories. 