The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am normally Ms Super dooper people pleaser martyr at work and in most social situations. This issue with the A's mother has been difficult. I have to say this normally I would be in there, hypereactive, fixing, trying to fix, taking care of everyone but me.
This time I have stayed out of it so much. I am doing the same at work. There is a huge crisis there. I've offered nothing. I've done no rescuing (at the same time when I work I do my job not under do it or overdo it). For me this is so so huge. I have got myself to the point of death "fixxing" others.
The A's brother has gone back on alcohol tremendously. He now lives over a bar. I fear that he will kill himself. At the same time I do nothing. I say nothing to him. I do not go over there (he lives just down the street now) and rescue him, cook for him, offer him the world. I respect he will take care of himself. Most of all I take care of myself. Everyone elses' problems and issues are no longer the mandate for me to kill myself with rescuing, enabling and fixxing.
Nevertheless I find this discipline of taking care of me totally foreign, utterly strange and of course restorative to me. I no longer exist in a sea of resentment and craving. When I am rescuing I am in some kind of craving state wanted to be accepted and known. Now the only person who accepts me is me.
If you can accept yourself maybe that's the greatest!!
I have a 36 yr old son who is diagnosed with bipolar/schizo affective and also involved with drugs and alcohol. It has been the hardest thing ever to detach there ... but so far I have been able. I am limited in my knowledge and ability to help him. I have decided that has to come from a power greater than me. That is hard but accepting my limitations and working with what I do know is becoming a little easier.
I haven't quite totally accepted myself yet, but I'm better.... one day at a time.
Sounds like you are doing great; and I understand the feeling of walking on strange ground here. It's a new way of life for us and can feel uncomfortable at first. Taking care of ourselves is new territory for us caregivers.
Keep coming back! I'm glad you are here and posting.
Great share. "When I am rescuing I am in some kind of craving state wanted to be accepted and known". I have never thought of it quite like a craving state, but it makes sense to me. If our addiction is the A or some other person in our lives, then I must "crave" attention or acceptance in some way at times in my life when I feel vulnerable. This usually happens when I want the A to meet some emotional need that I should really be meeting for myself. I do believe acceptance or feeling loved and accepted is the biggest for me. Unconditional love. I do believe that is why I have such a difficult time dealing with myself when I've done something wrong. Fear of being rejected is so powerful for me almost to a fault. The slightest things at times that the A says no to I can feel personally rejected. Thanks to HP and this program I'm starting to be able to pinpoint when this happens and deal with it quicker. Your post has reminded me to recognize when I'm rescuing and why I'm choosing to rescue. Am I in a craving state trying to get a need or acceptance fulfilled that I can do myself. Thanks for sharing your recovery with us.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
