The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can see why you are worried, but you're right - it may not come to anything that affects you.
Seems to me he has the right to contact his family if he feels he should - this does not mean that YOU have to have contact with them though, if you don't want it. The only person whose actions you have control over is you - however, you DO have that control, and can choose what you will and won't do. If you keep this in mind, you should be fine.
Well I can certainly relate to the enmeshed family issue. I used to be totally driven by it on the holidays. I think it is very very very difficult to work through those resentments. Nevertheless I do put them out there. I do work on my resentments towards the A's family they help me set my boundaries.
I also work on that I have no control over the A's actions. The A spent much of the week helping his mother move. Normally I would be obsessed with each moment he is there and how she gave us and him nothing. Detaching is painful. She had a 2 bedroom apartment it was tiny you'd think it was a mansion. She had 10 people helping her. I stayed well away. I know my limitations these days. For me as a codependent it is very very hard to admit I have limits. I am limitless with others. There is so much I can do at work, in any situation. I can exhaust myself in a second.
Taking care of ourselves is so so hard. I know also how it is to deal with family coming in when you least expect it. The A's family are now suggesting he go to work in the mines. I know his mother is in denial about his illness but this takes the cake. He is 47/48, has two major illnesses, one of them is skin related. Who starts a career mining at that age with major medical limitations? I would go off in a cloud of smoke but I say very little, I go straight to detachment. I hear that stuff and I go wow "detach quick". I know also if I had had some al anon recovery when I met those people I would have set these huge concrete walls in place before now. We do what when we can...
Whatever boundaries you have be glad you have got them. Be grateful for them. I know for me in my own disease my boundaries go out the window. Alcoholics are tremendous people pleasers. I think one of the reasons it is so so hard for me to be around it is that I am an inveterate people pleaser myself. Observing is very very difficult for me. I want to be in the fantasy. Oh everyone else is having a wonderful time packing for this woman who has known she is moving for months. It is one huge party and togetherness bash and I am missing out. I really want to be in fantasy that if I give up my boundaries I will be happy I will feel connected and I will feel included. I know without a shred of a doubt that I will feel resentful to the point of dropping to ashes instead. I act in my best interest now but I always always acted in my worst interest before so this is new behavior and it is extremely awkward. I am not good at it but I do it anyways.
I am so so so glad for you that you can come here and talk about it and explore your issues. Mine are complicated as I pursue plan b. I let myself be completely subsumed in this relationship, unentangling myself is very very hard.
Just live one day at a time and try not to upset yourself over things that have not happened.If it does you have your Alanon tools and can come here.I don't believe that God wants anyone to suffer.He may not have put your husband there but he will help you through it if anything comes up.
Remember you can only control yourself and your reactions.The less you react the better it will be for you and your hub.
