The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's finally hit my A that I'm serious about him choosing rehab or moving out and I haven't shown signs of waivering. He wanted to "talk" last night, but I told him I prefer to talk about things when he was sober. (Cause of course he had been at the bar, after work, for 3 hours)
So, this morning, I put things plainly, that after 6 years of this roller coaster, I didn't want alcoholism in my house or my life anymore. He said he wasn't going back to rehab...that it ruined his life before...and I said, "it just ruined your drinking." But then he started with "how about if I just don't go to the "club" anymore. And I'm sure you all know that the "club" is a cheap place in our town to drink...private VEt's type of place. I, however, said,"Sorry, it's rehab or nothing."
We went through it all...Blaming me for being too controlling, Blaming me for caring more about my business, Blaming me for changing. Blame Blame Blame
Then the denial....That it's only been bad for 3 weeks, that I'm blowing things out of proportion, that there's nothing wrong with having a couple beers after work. (hahaha...since when is 20 a couple?)
Trying to throw guilt my way. Like how I didn't celebrate his birthday this week. Like how I use him like a boy toy. (he's only 7 years younger)
On and on and on he went, trying to keep his life with me and his boozing all together. I remained calm and collected. I simply said, "you can't have us both."
And then off he went, to the Steeler tailgate party at the "club" already this morning.
So sad, but I feel empowered. And all that I've learned from this program, that I basically only work from this web site ( I do not have time for F2F meetings), has been a tremendous source of inspiration for me. He said he would leave in a week or so...and I'm confident that he will. I'm also confident that my life will be more peaceful. Lonliness is a concern for me, but I have my kids and their activities, and my business is growing and flourishing. An A does not add to any of this...they just suck the life out of you emotionally, financially and spiritually.
I love my A with all my heart. If he agreed to rehab, I'd stay by his side. But he's sticking with his best buddies Coors Light and drugs, so they can support him now.
Good for you for setting boundaries and being prepared to stick with them. Forcing someone to choose rehab seems like it may not work. Tell an A to do something, chances are they will do the opposite. (IMO) Setting a boundary and sticking to it seems more productive.
In time you will learn the difference between being alone and being lonely. When my A was active, I was lonlier with him than without him. That was a moment. When he went to detox after he relapsed, at first it was really hard. I missed my husband. But I wasn't uptight about coming home anymore. I wasn't afraid to walk into my house wondering what I would find (he would trash the place, be passed out, etc.). Then when he came home in March and then relapsed again. I had enough. I asked him to leave because I just couldn't do it anymore. He went to a friend's place from rehab. Oddly enough, me forcing him to leave had nothing to do with his recovery. He got confused with his meds and alcohol and for 2 weeks was barely able to walk or talk. He was forced into recovery, because his body was saying "Enough!" Now he's in recovery, back to doing the things he loves, working a mental health program and loving living again.
Remember: your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if your A chooses recovery or not.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You have made a very hard choice. Good for you for standing your ground and facing all those fears I know so well. Reading your post reminded me how cunning this disease can be. It alays seems to know the perfect thing to say to hurt my feelings and makeme feel guilty when I know better.
"Negotiating" reduced drinking rules with an A is pretty ludicrous, kinda like "negotiating" with a brick wall to be "less solid" (i.e. the wall says, "how about if I only act 6" thick instead of 8" thick"? lol)
Keep your chin up, and keep working on you....
"He's either gonna drink, or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Way to stand your ground! I am very proud of you. Please keep repeating to yourself,
You did not cause his drinking, you cannot control his drinking, and you cannot cure his drinking.
I know you are. My A was very stubborn about leaving. He got very desperate at the bitter end to stay. Then, he got the most drunk I had ever seen and literally came crashing the house with the car. About a week later totaled the car.
I had to stand my ground. He was not wanted there plain and simple. By his next paycheck he had to leave that day.
I am certain right now, you feel as through you are being held captive in your own home. I am sorry for that. It won't be forever. I still want to encourage f2f meetings. One hour could be set aside. As my sponsor tells me, there isn't an excuse one why I cannot go. I can get a ride if I don't have a way, I can take my children if I don't have a sitter, etc.
Alcoholics go to any length to drink. Them just like us have to go to any length to recovery.
Well I think it is a tough tough job to take a stand.
I do not have alcohol in my house and do not entertain it. Of course I am not always at my house (I work at night) what goes on when I am not here I do not control, or I don't even try to control.
I think it is phenomenal you can see the "snow job" I never can. I always just lose my boundaries around it.
For me personally I hae been around alcoholism most of my life. I know that now. I have to work really super super hard not to be around it. I have to set tons of boundaries. I use this board religiously but I have to do other stuff for myself. I go to therapy (it helps) I go to other groups. I think it really helps to put a lot of effort into getting support. Sometimes that is harder than other days. Sometimes it means continued diligence at getting it. If he does leave, I would encourage you to get as much support as you can.
moment. When he went to detox after he relapsed, at first it was really hard. I missed my husband. But I wasn't uptight about coming home anymore. I wasn't afraid to walk into my house wondering what I would find (he would trash the place, be passed out, etc.). Then when he came home in March and then relapsed again. I had enough. I asked him to leave because I just couldn't do it anymore. He went to a friend's place from rehab. Oddly enough, me forcing him to leave had nothing to do with his recovery. He got confused with his meds and alcohol and for 2 weeks was barely able to walk or talk. He was forced into recovery, because his body was saying "Enough!" Now he's in recovery, back to doing the things he loves, working a mental health program and loving living again. 