The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
after spending the last few hours reading all the other posts i realised i was in the right place. I had tears in my eyes through most of it as i saw similarities in my life in so many of them...
I am engaged and supposed to get married next year. before my A proposed to me hes was sober for just under a month.( we have been going out for 7yrs). For those 7 years we have been through many attempts to sober up, and i thought he was finally giving it his all.
He proposed knowing very well that i would only say yes if he stayed sober...but surprise,surprise...our engagement was a celebration and he wanted to get drunk to make it feel like a real party.
So afew weeks after our joy...it all came crashing down.
When he first started going to aa it was amazing.he would come home feeling so strong and so focussed but now he has decided its not for him. he doesnt want to hear people telling him that his life isnt on track. So he wants to do it on his own.(which by the way...isnt working.)
Apparently, the drinking isnt his problem.only my reaction to it is a problem.
He thinks that if he is given the responsibility to make his own decisions, then he is sure he wont drink...but with that responsibility he now allows himself to drink at least 3 times a week, and also anytime he is angry, or the sun is shining, or the clouds are out...theres always as reason.
Anyway...i have finally had enough and told him today to move back to his mothers for a while so i can figure out what i want to do with my life. so i know that right at this moment, he is drowning his sorrows at the pub!
Guaranteed, he will call me in afew days crying about how much he misses me and that he will quit drinking. I am trying to push him to hit rock bottom. then maybe he will realise.
Arty, I am right where you are. In fact, my latest posts read just like yours...It's so eerie. You are doing the right thing and sound strong. Keep reading and posting on this board and you will find wonderful support and answers. I can't say I work the steps or attend f2f meetings, but I have learned so much from reading "Getting them Sober" and other books recommended here.
Remember this: you let your HP work it out for you and let his HP work it out for him.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great strength, experience, hope, wisdom and humor (good for the ).
From experience: you can't make an A hit rock bottom. Only they know what their rock bottom is, and it's probably not what you think. There were many times when I thought my A had hit rock bottom (crashing his car, loosing his family, having seizures from detoxing at home) and it wasn't even close. They have to find it for themselves. I was so Some As do it without AA, such as my father-in-law. However the common thread seems to be they all have some kind of program, be it a church, mental health, or AA.
It seems like you have set some boundaries and have stood by them. That's great, as you are farther along than I was when I found this program. I say this to every newbie that comes here as a way of reminding myself too: You must not loose yourself in their disease. You recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses recovery or not.
Try and get to some f2f (face-to-face) meetings in your area, or join us for are online meetings here. Come join us for open chat too, they've been really helpful to me. Glad you found us.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
In Alanon, we don't give the alcoholic ultimatums to force their sobriety because it doesn't work. Just as you said he is probably in a pub with his sorrows. I think we all know this but there is always that part of us that thinks we cn manipulate and control a situation. Simply put, we just aren't that powerful.
You have however set a boundary for yourself. The second part of setting a boundary is to follow through. A's are like children in some respects in that if when he begs to come back and you allow it, your boundaries from here on will mean nothing. He will assume that your boundaries are weak and mean nothing.
May I suggest when he does call you back with his promises that this time you assume talk is cheap (again). Give him the dignity to prove it to himself (and you) for a few months.
He alone must make the decision. There is absolutely nothing you can do to make him quit. Just as he can't force you to be an alcoholic, you can not force him to find sobriety.
Alanon's 3 C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Change it, and you can't Cure it.
Keep coming back friend Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I think you will continue to be amazed at how similar we all are on here, and how much you can related it to your own set of circumstances.... I would encourage you to read, post, and share what's on your mind.... Nobody has the knowledge as to what you "should or should not do", as far as marrying the A is concerned, but you owe it to yourself, and your future family, to know full well what you are getting into.... One book that I would highly recommend is "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews. That book helped save my sanity (at least), and will answer sooooo many of the questions running around in your head.
You ask if this is all crazy?? The answer is yes... and the fact is, the alcoholism around you has made you sick. You, like all of us, need love and support from fellow people in recovery, to get back to a position where you trust your own judgement, and can look at situations for what they are, as opposed to what we want them to be.
I wish you good luck and good health.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
All I can add to what has been said is - I ignored all the red flags that my husband's behaviour was sending up, before I married him. I loved him, thought that was enough.
This is how I found myself, at the absolute low point of our marriage, with two children who were starting to show the ill effects of growing up in an A household. I was completely financially dependent on him, had no income to speak of and no way to support myself and the kids if I were to leave. My self confidence was shot, I had no faith in myself and in my judgement. He was verbally abusive, unfaithful, and was blowing all our money on his drug addiction. He was starting to become physically abusive, and threatened to kill himself or me on a regular basis. I was trapped, good and tight, and had walked right into the trap with my eyes open.
Take your time, don't allow yourself to be rushed into a marriage that is not what you really want. Love is great, but healthy recovery is essential.
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Some As do it without AA, such as my father-in-law. However the common thread seems to be they all have some kind of program, be it a church, mental health, or AA. 