Through this long saga of the A's mother moving I have been praying to see the moments of recovery.

I see them.   Apparently the new husband asked the A to move to wherever they live.  He is considering it.  Before I have to say this I would be mortified he did not consider me in it. I would think oh this shows how much I mean to him.  I would be so desperate to be included. I would have been in the middle of this awful moving mess proving I was super human. I would have worked all night at the hotel and be there day and night helping pack.

Now in recovery I think well you can go.  Good for you but I am not going anywhere near that woman ever again.  I am not so desperate to be "included" I kill myself.

I lifted not one finger for that woman.  I did ask his brother if he needed some help when I knew he was being kicked out on his ear. That was it.  He found a place.  He is moving tomorrow. No doubt it will be a horrible complicated exhausting move. I offer nothing.  I don't offer to help although it is in there hanging in there I should.  I say nothing either.  I am finally getting to the place of stopping killing myself for people who do nothing for me.

I have to say before I would be in a puddle by now. This has been a tough week for me.  I have had to sit on a lot of unpleasant associations. I have tremendous resentment against this woman. When I hear how she went about moving making everyone in the world help her and more it makes me angry.  At the same time I had the recovery not to get involved. For me that is incredible, incredible stuff.

I also have enough recovery not to help the brother move. The brother has never done zilch for me.  When the A was sick he brought one bag of groceries that was it. That was a turning point for me the A's sickness. He still has a major major medical disorder. In fact he has two disorders.  He has major major skin issues, he has to wear sun block all the time. What does the father in law suggest he do.  Mining.  That is one of the toughest jobs around.  When the A mentioned this to me. I said Oh and then he went into a huge diatribe about how he could do it. So I left well enough alone. Before I would be up all night worrying he was going off to be a miner and worse he was leaving me.

Now I know after all the shit he has put me through, all the grief, all the rage, all the agony of feeling totally abandoned and left out, whatever he does I will be ok because I have al anon among other things to do.  I also have chosen to detach from people who drive me crazy.  I am afraid to say it but this new husband does not sound much better than his wife in terms of being able to give the A anything.  Nevertheless that is his problem not mine. I have my own little pot of problems. They are considerable. They deserve my attention. The A no longer gets 200% of my attention.

So now the A is saying how much is up for him. He is grieving his father's death again of 11 years.  His mother gave him some stuff of his fathers to have.  He is grieving his mother leaving. I am sure there is tons up.  I am also sure that I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself to his needs. I am not killing myself trying to  make his life better in order to make my own life better. I have my own needs. That doesn't mean I am not sympathetic. I do not say to his face of course how relieved I am that she is gone.  I say nothing about her selfishness. I say nothing much at all.

At the same time, today for the first time withstanding yet another A crisis, I am in my own corner. I did not abandon me when he created a crisis.  Or rather I should say his mother created a crisis.  I did not abandon myself to her either as I did for so many Christmas's and every other single holiday that I endured around her. I did have a tremendous amount of resentment and issues but I dealt with it as it came up.  I took care of me rather than took care of everyone else but me.

That for me is a first.

Maresie.