The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Life has been dealing my husband some real blows in the last little while.
His mother died in early August. Since the death he has been finding out some very disturbing things about his sister, who had been living with her and looking after her. There is a lot of money missing, for instance ten thousand dollars of checks written in the week before his mother's death, that his sister won't say what they were for. My husband has a lot of guilt and unresolved feelings about his mom - many years of drinking to feel guilty about.
His other, favorite, sister, who he tends to lean on in family emergencies, has serious problems of her own. Her husband, one of the world's really great guys, was in a car accident last year, and has sustained brain damage to the point that he has had almost a complete personality change. She says it's like living with a teenager, he lies, pushes her authority, etc. They were retired and really happy - now she is married to a stranger.
My husband just recently took a new job with his company - he decided he was too old to continue working in the field and has taken a desk job. He started this week - has no idea what his duties are, doesn't know what he is being paid or what the hours are, has not been around the shop for some years and is no longer familiar with everything that needs to be done. His boss is out of town, everyone is on his back to get stuff happening, and he's swamped and overwhelmed.
And, two nights ago, he got a phone call from his sister. His dad, who has been in a home for years, senile and physically in very bad shape, is dying. They are taking him off his feeding tubes, he is not expected to last the week.
I'm doing my best here, trying to stick with my program, not take it personally when my attempts at comfort are rebuffed, not fret over whether this will throw him over the edge and make him start drinking again (he's been sober 3 1/2 years), just trying to be loving and suportive without getting dragged into the depths of despair with him, but it's hard. I keep wanting to 'fix' this for him but of course this can't be fixed - it's horrible, and that's that. I'm stumbling around, saying the wrong thing all the time, wishing it would all just go away but of course it won't. Oh, and he's coming down with a bad cold.
Not much anyone can do, but I would appreciate your prayers and postive thoughts.
Oh lin, I am so sorry you and he are going thru all this.That is ALOT to deal with.I will certainly put him and you in my prayers.
I know that I would also be trying to help and fix, it's hard not to.But that would probably just add to the stress he already has.Just let him know that you understand and are there if he needs you.Then take care of you so you can be.Give him space.Stay close to your HP, ask for help and strength.
Stay in the day,try not to get into the 'what if's'.
I'm praying now for you and your hubby. Sometimes when there is absolutly nothing that we can do to "help/fix" it the best thing to do is just offer to listen. Then do just that, just listen.
hello lyn , u got it . Just give him lots of hugs expect nothing back.So far he is doing good pray he will stay that way. If your like me in crisis I tendedo hover around trying to anticipate his every whim , my hsb says he hated it when I did that . hehe Now I just let him know that if he needs anything from me to let me know and stay out of his way when he is in trouble and that seems to work for us.
It will all work out just the way its supposed to . Will pray for you both Louise
You know I read your piece yesterday. Then I went in and dealt with a huge amount of stress at work. I really dealt with a lot of dysfunction and craziness and did not take it on.
Then I came home and dealt with the A going crazy over his mother leaving town for ever. What a dramatic lot they are. His mother should be so so grateful for her health, she isn't. She still wants everyone dancing around her.
I am so impressed you are not running around trying to fix the world. I have made myself so so ill by doing that. I took such great solace in your words. I know they helped me get through the night without resorting to why me? Why not me?
Thank you so so much for sharing your process it helped me tremendously at a vulnerable moment.
Hugs Lin your husband has a shopping trolley full of problems at the moment. Don't know whether it will help but if you can use the analogy of the trolley to try and persuade him to just deal with one item at a time it may help to stop being so overwhelmed. Thinking of you also because you are going to get the stress piled on to you at some level. Luv Leo xx
When it rains it pours doesn't it? Sounds like you've got your handsful. Remember you're doing the best you can. There were times when I thought hubby would relapse with everything that was hitting him at once too. He surprised me. I hope and pray that his sobriety continues. He's probably a bit angry at the world right now, and that's ok. Take some time do something nice for you in all this chaos. I took my "Piper Day" i.e. mental health day, and it did me a world of good. The problems were still there when I got back, but stepping away from them for a few delightful hours to be with old friends was just what I needed. Sending you extra prayers and comfort.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thanks so much everybody - you have no idea how much your responses help. Or maybe you do!
abby, you're right about the "hovering" - that's exactly what I do. Usually have a 'sad face', too, just to make it more irritating....
I'm really working on stepping back - he knows he can call on me for anything, he knows I'll listen whenever he wants to talk, I'm bringing him a cup of tea now and then and that's about all I can do.
Tensions have eased around here the last day or so, I really believe we are feeling the effects of all the prayers coming from here, my f2f, and his program buddies. The situation hasn't changed at all, but the despair is lifting.
