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my Abf's friend comes out of rehab next week. He's trouble and my instincts tell me to keep well away from him. But seems he's this great buddy, and he will be around. I have to get used to it!
Anyway, I've been really nervous about this for the past few weeks and have not handled it very well. I've been arguing, picking (seems I do this when I'm afraid, nervous). He doesn't seem to care that I don't want this man around my home. Theres no consideration for my feelings (why am I surprises by this!!).
Last night it escalated. He told me he's had enough of me blah blah blah....for two hours. I tried to say nothing but he can be very nasty at times. I went to the other room, he followed me....If I did he shouted and I was worried about disturbing an elderly neighbour. He was sober...hasn't drank for about three weeks (maybe he's rowing so he can get away to the bar this weekend...he likes to be able to blame for driving him to drink! I don't try any stop him when he does go drinking!)
In the argument and barage of usual insults, he said he was going to move out and get a place with this friend. I agreed this was a good idea......really this is not a bad idea.
This morning was awful. I got away as fast as I could.
My head is a mess, my life is a mess.......thanks for being here....I need you today! I don't know how I can accept this man (his buddy) around me when all my insticts rebel against it. (He is real trouble, and has trouble chasing him at the moment.) Thanks for listening AM
I am sorry you are living in this mess. Try not to take it personally it sounds to me like he is ANGRY at the world and sometimes I understand when they dont drink that happens. He is probably taking it out on you since you are the closest person to him. Dont make any moves until you are absolutely sure it is what you want.. Set boundries but be sure you are ready to stick to them. I know that I have set boundries only to cross them myself.
Take a deep breathe and keep posting hopefully this will get better for you soon one way or the other.
Sounds like you've had enough of your boyfriend as well. At some point you need to ask yourself: What's my quality of life like? What am I doing that is in my best interest? Am I lonlier with him than without him? Do I deserve to be treated like this? If this was anyone else would I put up with being treated like this? Am I afraid to be on my own? Do I not think that I deserve to be happy? I'm not telling you to leave him. But someone once kicked me in the you-know-what and asked me these same questions. They were hard questions to ask myself.
The dry drunk syndrome can be just as awful as an active A. Realize it's not you. It's him. Tammy's right, don't make any moves until you are ready. But if you set some boundaries, be prepared to enforce them. Otherwise they mean nothing.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
thank you both, he almost had me convinced it was all my fault. The rage is incredible. I know the signs....he's dying to drink but is angry mainly with himself, with me and just about everyone else in his way. Karilynn, your questions are so right and I know I have to answer them for myself. I am doing that. I was on my own for quite a while before I met him, and I know I got used to my own ways. How did that ever change!!
I was ready yesterday just to walk out, escape, just get away. That was the mayhem.
I needed grounding, focus today. Thanks for helping me.
I would imagine he will be drinking all weekend anyway, so I may get some time to myself. Then he will be remorseful next week again.....and on and on the cycle goes!
I'm sorry you are dealing with the rage. It makes you feel so guilty, and crazy, and it has nothing to do with you. It is so hard not to take it personally. The A is mad at the world, himself, and is miserably. Mine is that way too, complains about everything. It is draining. The world and local news is bad enough without having to hear complaining from your partner!!! We need some joy in our lives.
Maybe you could get away for a while, see a friend or do something alone if you are ready. I know when I began taking these small steps this year I have grown from it already. I don't mind being alone, and it gives me some time and space away from the chaos.
I hope you have a better weekend, you deserve to be happy today and this weekend.
Well I have definitely been there with the A's rages. They can go on and on and on. Youd think after 6 years I would learn to get out of the way of them.
I have also had it up to the gills with the A's friends. Of course I have been there and done that about them. I am so so grateful for the opportunity to be here and know it is all not "me".
I would agree don't make moves till you have a move planned out. I have done that and paid for it. Think plan b. Plan b's are good to work on.
I do think you have your finger on the cycles and that is so impressive. And you have your finger on the boundary issue. Again very impressive. Give yourself a pat on the back for that.
